


Symmetry

by Sombereyes



Category: Mai-HiME, Mai-Otome
Genre: Drama, F/F, F/M, Friendship, Futanari, M/M, Multi, Other, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-09-29
Updated: 2013-10-01
Packaged: 2017-12-28 00:03:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 67,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/985227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sombereyes/pseuds/Sombereyes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A striking search of romance for two lonely souls. They're so different, can they even find love? One is an abnormality, different from standards and norm. The other is an obscurity, yet another piece for an unyielding puzzle. They may never find conformity, but together they make sincerity. Shizuru/Natsuki pairing. futa type theme. Not a pwp.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1 revamp

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: I've honestly have never tried to make a "futa" fan fiction. I've always thought it would be fun, or exciting to do, but I've never really had the courage. For the past few months, I'd been fleshing out the idea, and now, with something in place, I'd like to try writing one. I'm doing this to test my creative limits, and I decided it would be a good way to give my inspiration a kick start. I am warning everyone though, that this idea is one that I know I will struggle with, and that's precisely why I'm doing it. That said, if you don't enjoy futa, and the basic idea of what that would entail, I would suggest you turn around and run like the plague. I can't guarantee the quality, but I shall do the best I can. Don't be alarmed if I crash the two worlds a bit, but you won't see any super natural fun here.
> 
> On a side note, I may compress multiple chapters together when I update, that's for my sanity, if nothing more. Consider it a new writing style. That, and the updates will be longer that way. That said, on with the fan fiction. Please, read and review. I hope you enjoy this first installment.
> 
> I don't own Mai HiME, Mai Otome... you know the drill.
> 
> A/N #2: We're going to play a little game... that game is called fix the clutterfuck! A.K.A Edit all of the spelling errors and other stupidity I have floating around in stupid places...

Prologue  
(POV, Natsuki's Father)

It was an early morning, one fateful day, in the middle of August. The sun hadn't even begun to greet the sky when a small baby was born. Blotchy, a small tuft of midnight hair peeked out of the blue receiving blanket. Her eyes, when she chose to open them, were blue, just like all infants. It was the morning of the fifteenth when a baby known as Kuga Natsuki had been brought into this world.

As a newborn, she never thought of herself as different, and perhaps that had been a good thing. Even as her eyes changed from soft blue into stunning emerald, Natsuki was always a good baby. Still, with age innocence wanes out. There would inevitably come times in her small life when she would take notice of particular things. She would realize she didn't fit the mold.

We feared when that day would come, honestly.

Kuga Saeko, the mother of the child, did everything she could to dote on our daughter. That is, if you could really claim Natsuki to be a female. I couldn't. I'd always thought of her as a son, she did have those particular qualities about her. I had hoped she'd look like a boy, lord knew she fit that personality perfectly. She didn't look male, my daughter forever the enigma. At any rate, we always tried to do for her, as any loving and nonjudgmental, parent would do. It wasn't easy. Parenting never is. Even so, I felt as if I'd failed her in some tragic way.

Her face was feminine, her voice just like her mother. She grew her hair out, although, I inwardly wished she'd cut it short. It made her look even more like a girl, it helped her fit in, I suppose. My daughter was a tomboy at best, and I dared never to muse the worst. When Natsuki was a little girl, we did our best to shield her from the realities. She took private classes, away from other children...we knew she'd be safe that way. Perhaps we sheltered her more than we should have.

She had a few neighborhood friends, but we never allowed sleepovers. I'd like to think Natsuki grew up in a happy home, at least, in the beginning. She was for the most part a normal, if not intuitive, child. She made the same embarrassing discoveries all children do, although, the ones she had were quite confusing. Imagine her shock when she ran into my bedroom unabashed one morning, only to find that I was still getting dressed. Most little girls would have screamed, giggled, or at least blushed...they'd be curious later on, surely.

I would have expected that, but Natsuki, she wasn't a normal little girl.

It was a difficult road as a parent, trying to explain exactly why she and I looked the same. Why she didn't look like mommy, or other girls in some areas. It was difficult, and at the time, I realized, my struggles as her father had only just begun. Saeko, my late wife, cared deeply for our daughter, and had done her best to make Natsuki as womanly as possible. At the age of six, Natsuki lost her mother in a fatal car accident. Her passing was difficult on both of us.

That's when the rebellion began, and Natsuki, even more rebellious than before, bent the moral codes, tearing the very idea of gender away from her form, throwing it out the proverbial window like baggage. She'd dress like a girl one day, a boy the next. She'd play with makeup, and then, she'd go play in the dirt. Natsuki tried to be everything at once, and for a few years, it wasn't simply due to being happy.

It was as if she didn't know who she was, or rather, who she could be in the future...I suppose I'm getting ahead of myself.

Emotionally, over time, she lost me too. It was my fault, I admit, for being so hard on Natsuki. Up until that point, I'd been happy to allow Natsuki to decide everything, I hadn't been a very strict father. If she wanted to play rough, I was the one throwing her in the air, or letting her jump on my back. In a way, Natsuki was everything I needed. She was my son, my pride and joy...and yet...without meaning to be, she also became my little wallflower, afraid to leave her father's side. When she was about ten, things got worse.

Saeko had wanted a baby girl more than anything, and, Natsuki looked more like a woman than a man. She would grow up with breast, I was sure. She would have a figure I couldn't simply conceal, so I made a choice for the both of us.

She hated me for it before, and I'm sure she still loathes me, even now. I remember it like it was yesterday, it was the first time we ever had a fight. A bad one at that. I sent her away to an all girls school. Only the faculty knew of the situation, they didn't like me either, I'm sure. I was a disgrace as her father, but I thought I'd be doing the best thing for her. I-I couldn't raise a daughter on my own. I wasn't cut out for that, and Natsuki, she needed more help than I could give. She'd lost her mother, and I wasn't the type of man who could simply let Saeko become a memory. The academy had dorms, and Natsuki would be given her own. I could leave her in protective care, womanly care, and I thought she would be alright.

That's what I had hoped, that she would become happy.

I'd made that wish, with all my might. Weekly I'd get letters from my daughter, on occasion, a phone call. She'd yell at me, saying she didn't want to be there anymore. I almost gave in. Back when she begged me to send her to an all male academy, I tried to think about how I could make that possible...I couldn't though, not really. Natsuki would be out of place, and it would only get worse as she aged.

I knew that, and so, I left her in the academy.

I also set up a trust fund for when she graduated, I did the best I could. It wasn't enough, I realized that when she told me to get out of her life. She was twelve back then...I hated it...but I complied. I never contacted her again, and stayed out of her life. I awaited letters that never came. I cried over the loss of everything I couldn't protect, and I felt like a helpless man, my daughter the victim of a broken home by default. I moved on, slowly, and very painstakingly so.

It was the only choice I had, so I took it.

I remarried, as if to regain some form of happiness. I wrote Natsuki about the wedding, and received not a single reply. When I had the joy of becoming a father a second time, I wrote Natsuki again, to tell her about her newborn sister. Natsuki never contacted me, never called, never cared. Years have past since then, children grow in leaps and bounds. Natsuki is seventeen now, in an entirely different world. She's not the child I knew, that much is simply fate. I wonder how she is...all the time. I worry about her, yet, I can't force her to come back. I won't dote upon someone who sees me as unimportant. I won't welcome someone who may tear apart what little family I have, I won't lose what I've got.

That still begs the question though, one I've always wondered. How is she doing? I doubt I'll never know. I wish her the best of life, she surely has the best of my pocket book...

Chapter 1

Natsuki sighed at the fact that her dorm room was smaller than an average room.

She wanted, no, needed a bigger television set. She couldn't complain much, she assumed, since she had the entire place to herself. Most rooms held multiple girls, at least two or three. Some rooms held upwards of four or five, but Natsuki's room was her own. She liked the solitude. She could play her video games in peace, study without interruptions, host poker parties until the cows came home, and no one, not even the headmistress dared to say a word. She'd lived a good life in the academy walls. She loved it really, having grown up in the system for nearly her entire life. In her mind, she belonged here, and her eyes darkened as she realized that soon she'd be leaving campus for good.

She didn't know what she should do, life in the outside world was fast approaching. The flickering of her violent game didn't offer any solace either. "Got you again Kuga!" A voice shouted, garbling in victory.

Natsuki rolled her eyes at the horrible sound. "Damn it Nao, get a new microphone." She was going to go deaf one day if that kept up. She knew it. Nao's sorry excuse for a mouthpiece had been on the fritz for the past year. She disregarded it as her character flashed to life again. "I'm sure if you ask, Aoi has an extra, she'll at least let you borrow it."

"Like hell she will." Another voice chimed in. This time, it was Chie. "I've got Aoi's. She and Mai went out again singing, so I nabbed it while she's out." The sounds of clicking could be heard as the girls all mashed buttons on their controllers, an all out warfare going on. "Nao, you slime ball. Get back here!" It was over before Nao could retaliate, Natsuki took out both girls from range, and with that the round was over. "Geez, I'll never win at this, will I?"

"We play more than you do, it's to be expected." Natsuki sighed, bored and hungry. "You guys going to come up? I've still got that left over pizza in the fridge. We could watch some freaky movies and game all night."

"I'm sorry, I can't tonight." Chie softened, she knew how lonely Natsuki got. "I've got to finish typing out my resume. I've asked the headmistress to find me a job placement as soon as we graduate. That's going to come sooner rather than later, and I'd like to go wherever Aoi goes. She turned her stupid thing in this morning. I haven't even checked mine over."

"Why not just stay here and work in the kitchen." Nao shrugged, the microphone squealing for a moment during her action. "I've heard they're going to give Mai a full time job. There's a few other ones opening up too. Can you believe that?"

Actually, they could. That's what made everything so annoying. "Mai's different, she's worked in the kitchen as an aid for a few years now. It only makes sense that they'd hire her." Mai had skills the school could use. "I'm not that lucky. Have you seen what I do?" They knew alright. It wasn't any secret that Natsuki had caused two fires during her times as a student, both while attempting to feed herself. "There's no way they'd let me near the kitchen."

"You have a point, but you two really should talk to the headmistress, see what she says to do. I've gotta go get this done though, so I'll be back on later, if you two are still playing." Chie sounded eager to leave, and after she said goodbye, she ended the call.

That left Nao and Natsuki alone in the voice channel.

The two of them were best friends, rivals to a point, and even went so far as to cuss each other out on any given day. Their relationship, though odd, was special. Nao was more adventurous than Natsuki though, and had plans that evening to sneak out. Nao only stayed on the call for a few more minuets before leaving to get ready for her date. Natsuki felt badly for the poor sap, but she turned off her game, and her television, sitting quietly in the motionless room.

The campus was filled with things to do, and she grabbed her key before exiting the room. She wandered the halls, knowing it wouldn't do much good. This area was the recreational side of the school. There was the pool, the sport fields, club rooms, gyms, and plenty of other amenities. Most students never got bored, Natsuki though, she was another matter entirely. Early in her life, she was a troublemaker, but now, she simply couldn't have cared about how perfect the walls looked.

Even if she could, she knew it was no longer worth it to make graffiti. She didn't want to scuff the floor, and try though she might, she simply couldn't break any more windows. At least, not intentionally. These people were good to her. Always welcomed her, cared about her, at least that's what she'd thought.

Her idle mind ran wild with memories as she took a narrow passage through the dooms. If she went across the sky walk, she'd find the residential area for the teachers and other faculty. Students weren't allowed down that path, but often, they'd try to sneak in. She'd opted not to cause a ruckus today as she took the stairs down to the lower walk. It too, was high off the ground. However, it led towards faculty offices, and that was her goal. She knocked on the doors, ones that once donned a gold plate stating whom could be found inside.

Unlucky for Natsuki, it was not who she'd been expecting. "Miss Maria?" She scoffed, although she thought she knew better. "Um h-hi. Where's the headmaster?"

"She is no longer under authority here." The woman was elderly, but she was not feeble. "If you have something of importance to discuss, I'll be happy to try and assist you." Natsuki nodded dumbly, confused about what was going on. Miss Maria been here longer than most of the other faculty, and as a house mother, it was her job to watch over the students. With grace, and a stance that screamed ladylike, she moved to the side, ushering Natsuki to take a seat at the table and chairs. "What can I do for you?"

"Mai, she got a job here, right?" Natsuki asked, her voice unsure. Miss Maria rolled her eyes when Natsuki began to fidget. When wasn't she restless? "She'll get to stay here, right?"

"The faculty do stay on call." Miss Maria nodded, and then took a sip of her tea that had been sitting there before the student arrived. "It would be inconvenient not to have them do so. Miss Tokiha will begin to move her things next week, after our current chef has left her room."

"Do you have anything I could do around here?" Natsuki wasn't very good at being a professional at anything, but she knew she didn't want to leave the walls just yet. She refused the idea of being alone, without the comfort of the place she knew so well. "Anything at all, please?"

Miss Maria sat there for a moment, looking at what had been one of the most rebellious students she'd ever met. The way Natsuki's eyes, those of emerald, sparkled in hope. "We don't have many jobs available." Miss Maria began carefully, Natsuki was...fragile at best. "The ones we do have, you simply don't qualify for. We need teachers, and now, a headmistress. I couldn't possibly offer you such a position."

"What's going to happen to the school?" Natsuki asked, a slight tremble in her voice. "Did Headmaster Shamrock quit or something? Go get her back...I'll bet if you beg her, she'll do it."

"You've got it all wrong." This was quite a predicament, but one easily solved. "I had her removed from her position for improper conduct." Holding up an elegant, yet slightly wrinkled hand, she continued. "I know what you're thinking, cease it this instant. It isn't any concern for the alumni here. The new vice principal shall arrive here shortly, and when she does, she will have gained an instant promotion. We will simply find a new person to work under Miss Fujino."

Natsuki's eyes about rolled back in her brain. "F-Fujino!" She shuttered, both shocked and appalled, she remembered that woman with a vengeance. "You mean the tyrant who teased anything that moved! Is that the Fujino you're talking about?" It didn't come as a surprise that Natsuki had known of the young woman. Natsuki quivered a bit, worrying her lip between her teeth. "She can't possibly be the headmaster, think of what she'll do."

"During her time here, she ran as the head of the student council. She gave the students hope, and many loved her for her achievements. Her father is a wealthy man in power of quite a number of companies, and he donated a large sum of money to keep this school running. She is well educated, prim, proper, and a perfect woman to take over the administrative position. The fact that many students already know of her, will only aid in her success here at Garderobe. They will find her an example to follow, and I doubt you could find better than her."

"If you want the kids to learn how to make someone blush so hard their cheeks catch fire, then yeah, she's good." Natsuki shrugged. "But, she's such a player. You don't want everyone picking that up."

Miss Maria lifted an eyebrow at that, coughing slightly. "It would be welcomed far more than you and your mischief." If she were honest, she was fond of Natsuki, her heart went out to the girl, Natsuki's entire life a mystery for most. The girl had to keep herself away from others, her truths concealed. Try though she might, Miss Maria knew there was no way to groom Natsuki into an upstanding woman. Kuga Natsuki was still an oddity after all this time. "Natsuki, you know it would be a bad idea to work here, what with your situation and all, this is a place only women work. You've grown up well, but you can't really want to stay, can you?"

"Playing mommy again?" Natsuki growled, she hated when that old woman used her first name like that. "Fine then." She huffed, crossing her arms over herself like a petulant child. "I've got no place else to go, and dad sure as hell doesn't want me around, not with his new family. He'd probably get pissed the first time I forget to put the seat down, the jackass. They're the normal ones, I'm...I'm just not." Natsuki sighed, she couldn't explain it right, but she knew she had to try. "I belong with Mai, and Nao...and Chie and Aoi. They're the only ones who care." She closed her eyes, tears threatening to fall, for even the briefest of seconds, though she dared not show it. "You guys care, he doesn't. He never will."

It was a misunderstanding, she knew that. Still, in all of her years of working as a Headmistress herself, and then, a housemother for several decades, she knew how hard it was. She could comprehend the struggle a child went through, the confusion, the abandonment. Natsuki had all of it, and it was a torrent that raged far worse than most. Maria Graceburt was many things, but she was not by any means an unfeeling woman. "You've never had an easy time of it, I'll give you that." Maria began, her voice strict and with meaning. "However, through everything I've seen out of you, and I will say you've been quite a thorn in my side over the years, you aren't a person who quits. You never give up, you're never afraid of anything, so why now?"

"Why not now?!" That was the better question. They both knew it, the nagging feeling was something everyone went through. It was the struggle of being young. "The entire time I've been here, I've been raised to be a girl, to be perfect and all that crap. I'm not a girl though, not completely, not like the way you all want me to be. Where will I fit in? Who would hire me? Better yet, who would grow to care about me, perhaps even date me? No one that I can think of. I want a future where I can at least wake up every day and be content with myself. If I can't be happy, why can't I just be me? I can do that here, I can be safe here, it won't be out there, and you know it."

Miss Maria nodded, she knew quite well. "Very well." Miss Maria sighed, she really wasn't overjoyed to agree, but the fact was, Natsuki made very valid points. If it was a show of the heart, or a feeling of obligation, she was unsure. "If you can tolerate being around Fujino, and be prepared to work alongside of her professionally, I will let you work underneath her, as the vice principal. However, make no mistake, this isn't a game. You shall do your work perfectly, and to the letter, do you understand." It was an order.

Natsuki knew it too, and she thanked the heavens it came. "Yes ma'am." She nodded.

"Good, then get out of my office. I don't want to see you until next week." The tone was aggressive, and Natsuki scurried out of the room quickly, she's been happy to receive such luck. "That child, always such a migraine." She grumbled in defeat as she sipped her tea once more...

A week went by fast when one considered all the things that needed to get done. Natsuki had always been a smart student. Trouble, always, but as a student her grades were always high. It was her saving grace all of these years. She could cut class, did it often, and her work would always come back done. It was in high enough standard that she passed her classes, more or less. Now though, while new students rushed to move in, she felt herself buckling under the same pressure. She hated the amount of books she'd collected over the years. Her entire life had filled her old room, making it cluttered.

She would be moving into a place far more comfortable than before. Natsuki felt momentarily giddy before sighing at all of her boxes. There was a full bathroom, not simply a shower. The kitchen was beautiful, the sitting room large, but comfortable. Here she was one floor above the offices. Her faculty living space, and one of the largest dorms no less. There was one thing that confused her though, one thing that made her uneasy.

There were two bedrooms.

"Don't you think that's a bit weird." She groused, as she took in both rooms. It couldn't have been a guest room, since both were equally furnished to standard. "I mean, who else would stay up here?"

Mai slapped her forehead when she put the large cardboard container down for a rest. "Natsuki, this is the headmaster dormitory. This is where both you, and Shizuru will be staying. I thought you knew that. I'll be sharing my space with three of the other kitchen staff. We bunk up in groups I guess. Then again, with how big this school is, I can see why they need so many people." Mai paused a moment, her eyes surveying her confused friend. "You mean you didn't know?"

"Hell no!" Natsuki shouted, not minding in anyone could hear her. "I was never told that, and did you have to call her by her first name?" Natsuki felt her belly doing flip flops. She didn't like this, not one bit. "It's so sickening that you do that." She went on, trying to release her pent up annoyance.

"She's always wanted us to call her like that before. It's not any different now." Mai simply assumed Natsuki knew that little tidbit. "Besides, I thought Shizuru liked you. Now the two of you can be friends again. We can all be like back then, it'll be great."

"We weren't friends, Mai." Natsuki decided to just carry the boxes into the room she was standing in front of, slamming them down a bit rough upon the desk. "What she used to do to us, man that was just torture. Her smile soft, her innocent gaze, and then, when you're least expecting it, bam! Just like that, Mai." She turned to the girl while pointing to the now partially battered box. "Sexual innuendo's, and not only that, but you can't escape them. I'm going to be living with the pervert that tops the charts." She turned to leave the room, there were more boxes she had to carry. "It's not fair Mai, just not damned fair."

The carrot-top went after Natsuki, following her back to the old student dorm. Only things left to carry were small, and easy to manage. "She liked you, ya know."

"I do know!" Natsuki sighed, running her fingers through her hair before she pulled out the ponytail it was in. "I just...she played with everyone, like we were her toys or something. Always made fun of us...I'm not cute Mai, I'm not, and I never will be." After she had replaced her ponytail, catching the loose stands that had fallen out from before, she looked away from her friend, her eyes finding the floor. "We were just a game. She took so much pleasure in seeing me all weird like that, it just, it sucked. I didn't know if I was coming or going, if she gave me the time of day, or just thought I was her pet."

"It's called flirting." Mai chuckled under her breath as Natsuki rushed back out of the room, boxes in hand. Mai decided she'd do the same, and then catch up again. When she reached Natsuki's new bedroom again, she saw the woman before her sitting on the bedside, looking lost, even a bit withdrawn. Natsuki had an image she kept up in front of everyone. A tough one, she was a woman never to upset. The cost was a dear one, and anyone who schooled with Natsuki, knew that. "I'm sorry." She sighed as she came and sat next to her friend. "It's easy to forget how much you liked her. I'm just not used to the whole lesbian thing, you know."

Natsuki nodded, but said nothing. It was her perfect cover, and she'd worked for years to maintain it. Many questioned her sexuality, but those closer thought of her as gay. It was easier than trying to explain something far more difficult, something as private as her gender. "Shizuru, she really liked you too. Sometimes I think you were stupid, not telling her about how you felt. Personally, I think this is a good thing. You'll be near her again, those feelings, they can come back, and you...you'll be alright." Mai was trying to be helpful, Natsuki knew that, but she still couldn't think of anything nice to say.

"Lets unpack this crap." Natsuki finally said after a few more moments. "Then we'll go deal with moving your stuff into your room."

"It sounds like a plan." Mai smiled happy to have the much needed distraction. It took hours though. They''d started not all that early in the morning, but it seemed forever and a day when they were sorting through things. Saving most of it, but trashing the rest. The entire song and dance took all day. The moon was kissing the sky as stars twinkled merrily. It looked like little glimmering gems upon the thickest blanket of black sea. It was beautiful. So much so in fact, they gazed at the sight a for few moments before saying goodnight.

Chapter 2

Natsuki's body was stiff after all of the lifting she'd done that day. First it had been her things, and then, it had been Mai's. 'She didn't tell me she was on the other side of the building, geez, what a pain.' She was tired. Her figure begged for sleep, her mind hoped for solace. She felt torn, but a shower sounded like a good idea, and like a robot, she methodically turned on the water, and undressed herself. The top half of her, that part was always easy. Everyone expected her to have breasts. It was what she should have, apart of who she should be. She was toned, a little muscular, but she didn't look like a man. She didn't feel like a man. She felt lost. Confused with herself every time she took a shower. Apart of her became used to doing things that others wouldn't have to do. Her life split in two directions, and yet, very ironically, as long as she was in the privacy of her own world, she didn't mind.

If she was alone, it didn't bug her when she stripped down the rest of the way. It didn't upset her that she was different. In fact, she could arguably say she belonged this way. This half life that was hers, and only hers to know about. She looked at it not as an excuse, but rather, an explanation. Why she felt like drinking beer and walking around in boxers all day, thinking that wasn't such a bad idea. Why she liked to collect panties and bras, she looked at them as a form of art. She was alright about standing to pee, something that she'd picked up from her dad as a little kid. Her mother hated when she did that, but to Natsuki, things like that just made sense. It was alright for her, being in between the lines of social normality. She knew others bent the laws of normality, she wasn't the only one in the world...

She'd just accepted her life to be like that, not normal. Not bad, not good, just not normal.

What was normal? She couldn't say she knew...but she knew she was a deviant from it. It was in her core, her soul, to be that way. One gender, or the other, it didn't change that fact. That rebellion she took such pride in. That attitude she'd work so hard on building, the foundation of her complexities. She'd come to love that part of herself, that defiance that made everyone else see her. Natsuki wanted her voice to be heard, wanted to lash out at those that angered her, wanted to prove she too, was little more than human. For what it was worth, she'd done it. Her entire life, she'd done strictly that. The full length mirror on the wall showed her the truth. Something she'd like to consider as a physical affirmation of who she really was. The person on the inside.

Not a man, not a woman, just Kuga Natsuki.

The water was hot as it fell upon her like rain. She felt beautiful when she closed her eyes, she couldn't see anything, her mind blissfully null of anything for once today. It was times like now that she loved the most. Times when she was free from worry. Natsuki knew, however, that it was a fleeting situation at best. She would not be alone for long, and privacy would become a very special thing, one she may not be able to acquire. 'You loved her back in the day.' Natsuki thought to herself. It wasn't all that long ago. A year wouldn't make much difference, at least she hoped. 'What are you going to do when she decides to invade every bit of privacy you've worked hard to protect, Natsuki, you dolt. She'll find out.'

Her eyes snapped open, and she cursed under her breath. She found her shampoo and washed her entire body with it quickly, she wasn't in the mood for all of her upkeep tonight, of which she'd have much of it. That was her nightly ritual, but, she just couldn't do it. She rolled her eyes, sighing as her entire body smelt of lilac. It wasn't her most favorite scent, but she knew it would do in a pinch. She was thankful the bedroom door locked, or she feared she's never escape Shizuru and her teasing. The pit in her stomach grew the more she thought about the woman, that blasted Fujino Shizuru. With that, she strode out of the bathroom as if she owned the place, a tigress that owned her kingdom like the devil she could be. Her room was all ready for her, the work of the day paid off, and she crashed into bed. Uneasy sleep took her away that night into a dream that she wished she'd never wake from.

In fact, Natsuki slept like a log. She hadn't heard a thing the next morning. Someone came bursting through the door with luggage. She couldn't have cared. Someone packed the fridge, she didn't stir a bit. When racket came from beyond her door, muffled voices, footfalls, and the slams of doors...it did nothing to disturb her.

"Thank you, for all of your help today." Shizuru bowed formally as she took a look at her room. It was already prepared for her by the time she arrived. "It will be quite the load off of my mind, now that I know I have a place for rest."

"Don't think anything of it." Rei answered a modest look upon her face. "I'm just glad you got here on time. This entire transfer is going to be insane. Besides that, I can't leave everyone waiting. Do me a favor though, if you will." When Shizuru nodded, Rei smiled. "Great! Listen, just don't tell Una about this. She'll be pissed if she finds out I'm still retaining my position at a different school. She was thrown off the board completely. Stripped of every title she had, and let's just say, she's still sulking."

"I won't utter a word about it." Shizuru promised. "Ara, this room is just beautiful." She said, mostly for herself. "The view is simply gorgeous." It was then, that she thought a bit, a new question seeking interest. "Tell me, do you happen to know who the new headmaster will be? I simply must know who I'll be working alongside."

"I'm sorry, I don't know." Rei thought a bit about all of the candidates that Maria had interviewed. "You know how that Graceburt is, she's picky about everything and everyone. I'm sure she's in the office though, if you care to greet her." She gave Shizuru a pat on the back and a soft smile. "I've gotta be going though, so I wish you good luck. This place gets pretty crazy, but I'm sure you can handle it."

"I shall see you another time then." Shizuru smiled back, but did not reach out to do anything more. "Have a safe travel." She called as Rei went out of the living area and then meandered down the hall. The fridge was stocked, the room was cleaned to perfection, and everything seemed to be in place. This was her life as a child, now, it was her life again. It hadn't changed a bit, and yet, she felt odd, being on the other side of the dorms. She disregarded it, the idea of lunch appealing.

It was then she began to bustle about the kitchen, her heart beating a happy drum, though, she simply couldn't place why.

Chapter 3  
(POV, Shizuru's Mother, Suzume)

It was a bitter cold morning the day I felt labor pains for my one and only child.

December, what a wonderful time of year, what a blessed time to receive a gift of a child, when the seasons are at their prime. It is a time for a new beginning, the cold of renewal. It is such a pure time of year, just as I wished my daughter to be. It was the nineteenth that day. Shizuru was going to be an obedient child, I was most assured. I had heard stories of difficulties while giving birth, to my relief, I hadn't had such a horrible time.

She was such an obscure babe, her eyes were a darker color than blue, murky and untamed. She grew into a pair of blood colored eyes, so enchanting, and slightly unnerving. Fujino women had to be strong, powerful, and commanding. Perfect to a fault, and least I forget, the proper woman, one who could devastate any man.

Shizuru had it in her, even as a small child. She was always so independent, so free. I was always proud of her. Her father and I were happy she became enrolled into an academy for girls, one with high prestige and honor. She chose the place, her words were "It would be most fitting for me, mother, if you'd allow me this chance." My heart sang with a wealth of emotion that day.

Shizuru comes from a strong bloodline, we women we are not weak, we do not conform to our men. Rather, I'd like to think the Fujino women pick suitors who are there for our benefit. Something rather odd, I'm sure. Men rule the market, mostly, it seems. We however, do not follow the same little tune, oh no, that would be tragic. Shizuru was a smart little cookie, and she was bound determined to follow a path much like I had.

I could only feel happiness for her.

Shizuru's childhood, while mostly successful, also gave rise to a bit of a shock. One, I'll openly admit is not an issue, but, it would clearly be considered the worst situation ever to be held. She would not be courting any man. Not a single one would catch her eyes, and then I realized the truth, what blasphemy it was. She, a woman much like myself, was very unlike me. She sought out the company of another woman. She didn't seek out any man, and her eyes shimmered in regret when she told me she'd failed the family. It was a saddening experience for all of us.

I couldn't understand her reluctance, even to this day, I do not understand her whims.

Shizuru will become a better woman as she gets older. I will be proud of her, regardless of her choice on a suitable companion. It does not ease my despair though, that I shall not be gifted grandchildren. It makes me ache, knowing that she will not understand the happiness of a man, and that I will never comprehend her joys of a woman. It is a quandary that boggles my mind, but I simply must digress, my lovely child has become a young woman, she has hopes, dreams, so many things. I wish her well, although I may not ever see things her way.

Still, there are other little matters that complicate her life. Matters I will never speak on, I will not give her retribution, it would make her weak.

She left home, fled back to school. To run it, protect it, and raise the newest generation of strong women. How could I not be proud in her career of choice? She will be able to pick a proper suitor there, I hope beyond hope. Only powerful women, ones with pure intentions could possibly walk those halls, correct? A formal engagement, even if it would be put off several years, yes, even at that point, it would be a wonderful idea. There has not often been times when Shizuru will take my advice, however, my parting words to her were urgent, pleading for her to take away a bit of lesson to be learned.

"Shizuru, you must think carefully about the next few years." I'd told her. "People your age are young, and many want to be wild, to be free. You do not have the luxury to be so, dear one. I need you to understand, for your own good, to find not a fleeting trinket for your whims. Instead, search for the one whom you'd never part ways from. Seek someone you must have, or the world be damned."

It is solid, truthful, and for one such as my daughter, nearly impossible. That poor young woman, a lady in waiting...


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Firstly, I just wanted to thank you all for the words of encouragement and wonderful reviews. I'm so excited that symmetry is being enjoyed by you guys. I surely enjoy writing it. That said, I've received a few questions that I thought would be best answered here, since I can't replay to those who are labeled as Guests. Firstly, Natsuki is the only futa character thus far. That may change, that may not. We shall see how it pans out with the storyline as it progresses. Secondly, Shizuru will be the headmistress, Natsuki will be working under her. I hope that cleared some things up. I hope you enjoy this next installment.
> 
> Don't own Mai Hime/Mai Otome.
> 
> A/N#2: Next set of edits.

Chapter 4  
(POV, Maria Graceburt)

These halls have been protected with my watchful gaze for nearly forty years now...

I've had a fulfilling life. I graduated from this academy myself, and the young age of eighteen, and I married young. My late husband, who was ten years my senior, wasn't a man I loved. I married him for convince, and because my father had told me to. I never had any children of my own. My husband wasn't a family man, and our rather insipid marriage ended merely a few years after it started. He passed, and I was left a widow. I was lost, and I felt alone without a man around. I admit, I was a weaker woman back then. In those days, I was a blond haired, blue eyed bombshell, oblivious to the coldness the world offers.

I don't know why, I hadn't loved the man, but without him, there seemed an emptiness in my chest.

I couldn't tell you why I returned to Garderobe. I believe, I was searching for something. Part of who I had been, when I was younger. I traced every hall, sat at nearly every bench, table, and sofa in the common areas. I watched the youthful students swim in the pools, play in courtyards, and cause havoc for all in their path. I was jealous of them, and their carefree smiles. Was the grass really that green on that side of the fence?

I knew I'd never find out, unless I searched for the answer.

I worked as a janitor at first...a house keeper, we called them. Still, the duties are much like household chores. For some reason, the students flocked to me, I felt happy that they did. I remember fondly when they'd ask me to sew a button, or to tie their hair in a braid. It was nice, having someone who thought I was important.

It wasn't many years after, when the mother of the house, the very one who raised me, passed away.

She was so old, and she stood by her students until the very end. I had admired her, and the pillar of strength she'd been in my life. I realized, I wanted that. I dreamed to make a change. To guide those who had nothing. To protect the fragile hearts of all young girls who enter these lonely walls. My house mother was an inspiration to me, likely the most important person in my life. I knew I wanted to be just like her. At first, it was difficult, learning when to become strict, and when to be soft. Even now, I find some students to be quite the chore.

However, in my many years of working in the walls of Garderobe, I've never had the opportunity to meet someone quite as rewarding, as Kuga Natsuki.

It was a cold day in the middle of fall, the day I'd met Natsuki. Her father was dressed in a wrinkled sports coat, seemingly out of place as he sat there in the waiting area. His daughter wasn't much better, if I recall. In fact, I do believe it was the first time I'd ever seen a child like her. Natsuki was wearing a suit. I do not choose who may and may not attend this academy. However, I would like to think my authority has served the academy well. My voice always heard, even if not accepted as law.

That said, meeting Natsuki for the first time left me, puzzled.

Her test scores were mediocre at best, and her manners were lackluster. Her choice of clothing would be problematic at best, and at worst, it simply wouldn't do. I'd sat there for quite some time, looking at this rather odd girl. Her father seemingly impatient as his foot tapped away at the floor. I'd known she would be accepted, there was no real reason to deny the girl. After her father signed the paperwork, and fought with his child for the umpteenth time that day, he left her.

Natsuki was a child made of stone at first, I'll admit.

Most students cry, seeing their family leave for the first time. It is an emotional experience to say the least. She didn't do a thing, except told him that she hated him. Even then, her words were cool and calm. It seemed she was filled with shame, as if she'd never said those words in her life. You could see her father's shock. Her anger in vexed waves, her eyes as cold as they could come. He walked away from her, and Natsuki didn't look at him.

It was then, that I'd taken her to her room. For weeks, there was nothing interesting to note, nothing promising to speak of. Natsuki's grades improved, but her social life hadn't. Partly, I'd assume, would be simply that she wore her track suit all the time. Teachers would question it, students would laugh, Natsuki wouldn't change. I didn't scold her for it, but I wasn't fond of it either. Still, the track suit was the lesser of two evils. I didn't need skirts causing undue stress. Natsuki, at the time, couldn't sit properly either...and her secrets are very personal ones.

The track suit was only the surface of a very deep ocean.

She was merely ten at the time of her arrival. At that age, she was the cause of many issues. Broken windows, paint on the walls, toilet paper on the trees, and that was only the start. Natsuki was slippery, and extremely smart. I came to realize early in my time spent with Natsuki, that she held different gifts. All of the math in the world would never make up for her insight. She was, and will forever be, one of the most brash people I've ever met. Her anger aside, she's soft, gentle even, in the way she thinks about life. Her ego, while seemingly large and boisterous, is indeed quite small, hidden well.

I am a housemother. My job isn't to be strict...it is to be wise.

These girls are young, and they aren't under parental supervision. Here at Garderobe, I play a surrogate role. It is my job to keep stability among the ruckus. For Natsuki, I found becoming her friend worked better. She seemed to listen to advise, rather than an order. I didn't mind. I enjoyed our time playing card games, she enjoyed the person to talk to. She'd tell me about her classmates, Mai, and Nao, how much she enjoyed their company. She ranted about Shizuru, who was in the class above her. She'd cry when she realized there were differences that she couldn't explain.

She kept it hidden though, very well. She'd told no one, even though I insisted she should begin to open up about herself.

Her complexities hit hard when she began to grow hair on her face. That was the beginning of growing pains I hadn't been ready for. She refused to speak with her father, and he hadn't minded enough to try to win her back. He was a sorry man, giving up on Natsuki as he had. It was a time she needed him, or any man for that matter, that she could have related with. I was thankful her voice didn't deepen much, that her appearance, bar a few cosmetic things, stayed very much feminine. It didn't stop her from having puberty though.

Even now as an adult, watching Natsuki grow into such a person, she hasn't spoken a word. She can't keep herself hidden forever though. I bide my time for that milestone, knowing that with Natsuki, it will pain me greatly. Yet another troublesome situation her father dumped upon my shoulders. As far as I'm concerned, Natsuki's been an orphan since the age of twelve. The very age her father stopped contacting her. It must be my burden to bear, simply because no one else will. If she must be a migraine for somebody, than it shall be me.

Perhaps though, it is for the best...

Chapter 5

She grumbled when she could no longer sleep.

The sun, now blinding, sat at just the right angle to pass the blinds. With a curse, she sat up from her bed. She rubbed the side of her face, thankful, that yet again, she wasn't like the men in her family. She didn't grow a beard. There were small, rather annoying patches of stubble. Something akin to a pubescence boy, she'd assumed, but it wasn't anything to complain about.

She was lucky it was mostly unnoticeable. 'Should have taken care of that last night.' She thought as she stretched.

Her list of things to do today seemed endless. Fearing the worst had already come, she'd set to getting dressed. Peaking briefly at the clock, she knew she was going to be late seeing Miss Maria. 'Crap!' It was already half past twelve. 'Good job, dumb ass.' She sighed mentally, the old woman would be cranky, and Natsuki couldn't stand another lecture. 'Of all the days to sleep in.' It was a weekend, she never went to school on the weekends. It was her favorite time to skip. 'Can't skip work though, can you? Hurry up.' Her clothes were a monstrosity, she'd soon discovered. She didn't own anything formal, nothing appropriate anyway. Her black slacks were baggy, and her shirts weren't tight fitting either. She knew she looked a mess, but there wasn't anything she could do.

As she burst out of her bedroom door, she saw the last person she wanted to see. 'Shit.' She'd thought it, before the reality even registered completely. Their eyes met for a second, just enough time for their breaths to catch. Time froze blissfully, yet Natsuki could already feel the torture. The look of Shizuru, sitting there calmly, as if she wasn't surprised by the events. Crimson orbs burned, Natsuki realized, and it was an inferno she needed to escape. "I'm busy." That was her only reply. Her first words to the girl she hadn't seen in a year.

They were ice, so merciless, and yet, so fragile.

Shizuru nodded, as if she couldn't care. Always calculating, her mind never stopping. Natsuki gulped, knowing she'd said the wrong thing. It wasn't a greeting, she didn't want it to be either. 'She's not saying a word...' Still, it wasn't a fight. It wasn't anything. All they'd done was pass ways. It shouldn't mean anything, Natsuki knew that, but she couldn't accept it. 'She's not even phased.' It was as if time sped forward again. As if it hadn't even stopped, she rushed out of her shared dorm. She'd almost ran all the way to the office she'd be working in.

Natsuki's was much smaller, and as soon as she hit the thick oak door, she'd burst through it, slamming it behind her. 'Shizuru...' Her mind couldn't wrap around it. That had been the girl, the upperclassmen. Her tormentor. The one that took a pride in upsetting her. 'I was just a game. She didn't even care.' It was a grim reminder. She wanted to feel something, a spark, a warmth in her chest. All she felt was an emptiness. She was void of anything. Shizuru's face hadn't shown a thing, and Natsuki hated it. "Damn..." Her shaky breath cursed. "I can't do this."

"Natsuki, you've arrived it seems." Natsuki could have sworn the old bat had eyes in the back of her head. The hearing of an expert huntress. Nothing got past that woman. It was infuriating. When the small side door, the one that led into the headmasters office opened, Maria Graceburt stood still. "I was beginning to think you'd sleep all day." Natsuki was still quivering, and Maria felt partly to blame, not having warned the young woman that Shizuru would be arriving today. It took a few more moments before Natsuki fully collected herself, Maria watched the entire time. "We've got to get you into some better clothes."

Natsuki nodded, her heart still racing. "Not going to let me wear my track suit?" The taunt was weak, the only front she could muster. "We know I fit in that."

"I doubt that would look favorably among the students. They'll begin to talk soon enough as it is." Maria seemed amused by such a thought, Natsuki having a taste of her own venom. It was something she wished to see. "I've decided that with your measurements, and particular situation, a skirt or dress would be out of the question." She walked over to the closet that would normally hold coats or supplies. Inside were several suits. "We should fit you in something like this." The masculinity couldn't be mistaken, part of that irked Natsuki.

"If I do that, won't most people think odd things of me?" There were blue, white, and black ones. All very colorful. The ties were high quality silk. "Besides that, this is all very expensive."

"My late husband was a tailor." Miss Maria began as she picked a few choice sets. "These are bits and pieces of his line. They were things he'd never had a chance to put on the market, and I've no use in them." She'd held each one of them up, taking a view on the color contrasts, something she knew Natsuki cared very little about. Finally she came to a colored jacket she liked. "This one, it'll conceal you." She said, almost assured her answer would be right. "With it, you'll wear these." The pants she'd gave Natsuki were tightly fitting, made for a slim woman. "It may not be the most comfortable, but it will do. Get changed, and I'll return in a few moments."

Natsuki sighed doing as she was told. She hated the feeling of being squished. The light blue shirt was little more than a halter top, meaning she'd need to find a new bra later. The pants were tight, she'd have to tuck herself to fit right in them. The blue overcoat was likely the best part of the package, and also, Natsuki's saving grace. She left it open for now, happy that it at least hid her bra straps. She looked good, she'd had to admit, her midnight tresses falling freely, hiding some of the golden trim her jacket had. "I'm done." She'd said loud enough to be heard, and when she faced her housemother, she sighed a bit. "It's going to be tough fitting into these pants day after day." She said softly, a blush tinging her cheeks.

"I'd assume it would be." Maria nodded, the irony just beneath the surface. "Still, it'll be foolproof. No one would suspect you of anything. You're apart of the faculty now, and you should do well to remember that." There were papers neatly stacked on Natsuki's desk. "Those are the legal documents you need to sign before you can work here." She pointed at them. "Get it done promptly." The books stacked on the shelves were in meticulous order. "The student's files are held on the top shelf. The one below that are the records for book keeping, and the bottom holds guide books. In your desk, is a list of the things you will do daily. I implore you, familiarize yourself with the routine."

"You got it." Natsuki shrugged, her eyes on the thick paperwork. She wasn't the best in her law class. "So, this is my contract?" When Maria stated the affirmative, Natsuki signed it, without reading a single word. "There, finished."

"You'll never change." She sighed, talking the papers from her. "Really Natsuki, you must take this path with a firm grasp that it will not be easy. The students will question you, the teachers will riddle you with paperwork, and the hours are endless." It was with this, that Maria shook her head softly, letting Natsuki know of her disappointment. "You can't act without thinking carefully. Now, I know you, and that you think you can mow down any struggle head on, but this isn't like before."

"Then why did you let me have this job? If you didn't think I could do it, why am I here?" Natsuki knew she was being cocky. A small part of her loved having the thrill of difficulty. Another part of her was just itching for a good fight. She was at her limit right now, and she knew it, but she also had to wonder. "Why set me up for failure?"

Miss Maria thought on that, but she didn't answer it. "I'll leave you to your work. If you need me, you'll know where to find me." Her exit though swift, was not unlike the woman. Her particular job, seeing after the students, wasn't at all simple. The woman was always on her feet, as least, that's how it had seemed.

Without much else to do, Natsuki meandered over to her desk, opening the top drawer. The leather book had yellowing pages, the script hard to read. Natsuki felt defeat wash over her, a new life flashing before her eyes. 'I don't want to report to her, damn it.' Every morning, she'd have to speak with the new headmaster. She knew she'd be working closely with Shizuru, but her tasks seemed to revolve around it. 'Prepare the meetings for the day, confer with the chefs about the meal program, deliver the headmaster her breakfast?' That was all simple enough, she'd agree, but then the list went on. 'Check the books, patrol the halls after first bell, deal with the tardy passes.' Natsuki could do that, she wasn't bad at math. 'When the headmistress wishes it, retrieve her lunch. Then discuss the books, students and administrative staff.' Natsuki shuttered at that, and the list didn't end there. She'd be spending most of her day with, or around Shizuru.

It was without thinking much on the matter, that she put down her instructions and went through the side door. The one leading directly into Shizuru's office. It wasn't a surprise to see the woman there reading over a thick, dark blue tome. Likely it had to do with her new position. Shizuru was elegant, the purple dress she wore was simple, conservative. Her eyes downcast, she likely hadn't even noticed that Natsuki entered.

"Headmistress." Natsuki's voice was clipped. Her hands clenching at her sides. "I've come to greet you." It was forced. So much so, in fact, that Natsuki sounded angry.

"I see, you have indeed." Shizuru's expression didn't change as she gazed up from her book. Her eyes burned into Natsuki's form again, her lips tightening into a thin line for merely a moment. "It will be a pleasure working with you." There, she said it. She uttered the fist acknowledgment, the first acceptance, that Natsuki was indeed before her eyes. That the woman would be her co-worker. "I hope we can get along well, Natsuki." Shizuru struggled with the name, although it hadn't appeared that way.

Natsuki could see it in her eyes. The twinkle of something Shizuru hadn't wanted to say, or rather, she hadn't been ready to say. "Whatever." Natsuki bit out. "We'll see how it goes."

"As unruly as ever." The woman of fawn tresses sighed. "Natsuki, we've no other choice."

"Don't call me that." She began to sweat, her heart started to race again. "Kuga will be just fine."

"We simply must get along, Kuga." Shizuru smiled. It was a sad little wane that couldn't find purchase. "Quite the memory, isn't it."

"If you ever say my name like that again, I swear I'll-"

Swear you'll what, Kuga?" It was that voice. That sultry, undertone. One ever so subtle, that at first, Natsuki hadn't know it was a come-on. She was so much younger then, so much more naive. "You've nothing but empty threats, act on them one day. I assure you, it'll be most fortuitous."

"I doubt that." Natsuki shot back. "I don't want to be anywhere near you, so lets get something clear right now." She wanted to face Shizuru down, she dreamed of damning the woman for all she could be worth. Still, Natsuki knew that was something she couldn't do. "What happened back then, it can't happen now. None of it, or you'll be in big trouble."

"What do you intend to do?" Shizuru asked, she was quite amused with Natsuki's fury. It was nice to know the girl was still so easily provoked. "File for sexual harassment?"

It was a suggestion Natsuki took without thinking, her temper getting the better of her. "Y-yeah, that's exactly what I'll do." She stuttered under the pressure. "Got a problem with it?"

"Surely I don't." Shizuru smiled, and then, she returned to her book. "However, if that does happen, I'll give them reasons to believe such a claim. I might as well do it, if I am to be blamed for it."

"Damn it! Don't come near me." Natsuki growled. "I hate you..."

"I know." Shizuru sighed as Natsuki stormed out of the room. "You always have, after all."

Natsuki's miniature rampage lasted only a few minuets before Miss Maria caught up with her. She'd heard enough of the conversation. That was the worst possible way it could have gone, she knew. Yet, it was likely the only way it could have transpired. Her sympathy for Natsuki knew nothing of boundaries and pretense. It was her right to protect all of the students, Miss Maria had decided that long ago. Natsuki just needed a bit more help than the others. Somehow, even now, she couldn't turn the woman away.

Maria ushered Natsuki into her bedroom, leaving her there for a moment before returning with a small plastic box in hand. "Go clean up, you'll feel better." She instructed firmly.

"There is no way I'm staying with that tyrant." The room she was in right now was small, but at least it was safe. The furniture was delicate, yet worn and dated. "I mean, literally, it wasn't even five minuets before she started." It was the first time she had ever stepped into Maria's room, but she was thankful for the hiding space. She ranted while in the bathroom, shaving cream smeared across her face. "What's her problem anyway...stupid, insensitive, conniving..." Her muttering was interrupted when Miss Maria snapped her fingers. It was a good sign to shut up.

Maria was just happy enough to finally hear the fury ease into normal anger. "I did warn you." The elderly woman was sitting on her bed, only barely listening to Natsuki's rant. "You can't run from your problems forever, not even the Headmistress."

"If she catches me like this, do you have any idea what she'll do?" Natsuki was frantic, all pretense for modesty lost for a brief moment when she poked her head out of the door. "Look at me. I have to do this every other day. Do you get it? It won't just go away. It always comes back." Miss Maria had to admit, there was something quite absurd about Natsuki needing to shave every few days. "And it isn't the only dead giveaway either."

Though the humor was grand at a time like this, Maria knew better. "I would assume, she'd think it was adorable." She didn't even smile, knowing how upset it would make Natsuki. "Shizuru has always been fond of you."

"Yeah, she thinks I'm a squeaky toy." Natsuki turned on the water to rinse out the sink, and to wash her face one last time. "You don't get it. No one does. I can't ever get close with her. If I opened up my heart, she'd break me. That's just the type of person she is." Water dripped from her face as she looked at her own reflection. "Besides, would she even like a person like me? I haven't even told Mai."

"You've told Nao?" The question seemed almost hopeful.

"I didn't tell Nao anything!" The shout echoed in the tiny bathroom. "She thinks I pack."

"That you what?" Maria asked, as if she'd heard something wrong. Natsuki rolled her eyes, knowing the term was likely not in Maria's vocabulary.

"Nao knows I like girls. One day she ended up sitting on my lap." Her face was on fire, even though it had just been in cold water. "So now, she thinks I pack...you know...cramming something down into my pants...I sure as hell didn't correct her either. God, that day was hell on earth." Natsuki didn't bother to mention how turned on she was at the time. How nice it had felt to have someone that close. She was almost happy it had been Nao. It was a saving grace the redhead didn't startle easily. "I didn't want to tell her that I normally tuck instead. She just caught me at the wrong time, that's all."

"You should tell them." Miss Maria spoke softly. "Honesty is a quality that can't be forgotten. You've known them for years, do you have such little faith in them? Would they really abandon you now?" These were questions Natsuki asked herself all the time. To hear them have a voice was unsettling. "Nao is such a troublemaker, but so too, are you. You've been the dynamic duo for years, and the brunt of most of my migraines. Don't you think, just maybe, she could harbor feelings for you?"

"Nao isn't my type." It was easy enough to see they would never work. "Besides, she's not the one that kept me up at night. You can't replace a woman who makes you think of every little detail. Fujino pissed me off so much, but she was so beautiful. Nao and I, we're the best of friends, I couldn't replace that for the world." There was an undertone there, and it wasn't lost in the quiet room.

Miss Maria knew that feeling well. "Yet, she could never become more, is that it?" Natsuki didn't even nod, her eyes spoke everything when she sat down in the rocking chair across the room. "You need to go back to your own room, Shizuru will show up there eventually, but you must face her. No matter what you fear she may find out, that will be a good thing, Natsuki. It will mold you, shape you. Even at my age, I still must face my struggles. If I didn't, what type of person would I be?"

"Probably someone a lot less anal." Natsuki smiled softly, that glint in her eyes. Then, her face fell again. "I've always wondered about Shizuru. When she left, our group changed so much. Nao stopped being such a bitch to others. Mai loosened up a bunch. Chie and Aoi, they were always together before, but Chie has become a lot more responsible since Shizuru left. It's like she's afraid to lose Aoi now, and she doesn't dare play around like she used to." Natsuki couldn't explain the happiness she'd found. Now though, she wondered if she had really been happy in the first place. "We'd all built this little bubble around us. This little safe zone, and my room just happened to be the central point for everyone. When I saw Shizuru today, I felt like mine had just shattered...I wasn't safe anymore."

"Emotions don't work the way we always want. We wish they would, that they would bend to our command." Miss Maria agreed. "However, could we really be people who cared, if such a thing were possible?"

"I get your drift." Natsuki said standing from her seat. "It still sucks though."

"Indeed." The woman replied exasperated, ushering Natsuki to the door. "It does, on occasion."

Chapter 6

It was anyone's guess who started the fight first. No matter what began the mess, round two started as soon as Natsuki stepped foot into their shared living space. It exploded when she brushed Shizuru off, acting like the woman of fawn tresses was some horrible disease. Now, the dorm room was nearly silent, save for the heavy breathing. "I told you, I'm going to bed." It was heated, angry. "I don't want to see your face right now." She was pinned between the wall and glistening eyes that froze her in place. "Let me go, Fujino." Her order went ignored. "I'm warning you."

"You cool down your temper, and I may just let you go." Shizuru breather hotly into Natsuki's ear. "We have to face each other some time, and I'd hope sooner rather than later." Her hands may have held Natsuki's wrists down, but she knew the shorter girl could get away, if she really wanted. She licked her lips, temptation was bubbling and she sighed. "Do you realize how long I've been gone, have you even noticed, my Natsuki." She didn't want to let go, and Natsuki didn't want to escape. It was their game. "I've wanted you like this all day." Shizuru was the cat...

"Screw you." Natsuki the mouse. "All you've ever wanted was to torment me, I honestly wish you'd get the hell out of my life." Her voice was a tremble of false bravado. "Then I could go back to normal, I could live my life without worrying about you every second of my day." A year made all the difference. It made the world change over night. She felt like she was going to fall to pieces seeing Shizuru harbor raw desire. It hadn't been like that a year ago. Shizuru teased her, toyed with every emotion Natsuki had...but this...it was different.

It was a need. "You wound me." Primal and untamed. "I've missed you. My heart ached for you in ways you can't even begin to understand. I thought you'd grown up, that you'd forgiven me." Shizuru knew it wouldn't be that easy. "Natsuki, I was younger then, afraid of things, but you were even worse than me." The look in emerald eyes now, it was a glare that was strong. It was filled with passion, anger, hate, despair. It swirled around like an ocean, and Shizuru realized, Natsuki had changed. She had grown up too, just in a different way.

"I cared about you, damn it." Natsuki refused to cry, she wouldn't allow it, but she'd wanted to. Pulling her arms away she overpowered Shizuru, pushing her away. "I had no one when I first came here. I was alone, damn it, alone. Then you came waltzing into my life back then, acting as if you owned it. You used me." She hated these feelings, thinking she'd done a fine job burying them. "Was Anh just a game too? Were we all your damned playthings?"

Shizuru didn't know what to say to that. Didn't dare move as she took in that last name. "Anh left me, Natsuki." How had things become so muddled, so difficult? "Anh wasn't my toy." She bit out. "And you sure as hell weren't either." Shizuru couldn't remember the last time she was so lost, so furious, at what had been said. She stormed off into her room, locking the door behind her. Natsuki did the same in her own room.

"That was close." Natsuki sighed out loud. She'd been so aroused, her pants became unbearably tight. It was so tempting to take Shizuru on the floor right then and there. Her chest felt heavy, when she looked at those eyes. Ones filled with pain and logging. She punched the wall with her fist before falling to her knees. Shizuru was so close, so near, and she'd almost forgotten her earlier years. She would have given anything to kiss her, would have succumbed to any amount of teasing, if only she could have had just a taste of those lips. She felt tired, and so confused. Her heart hammered away as her blood coursed though her vines. She'd felt alive tonight, for those brief few seconds.

She could see the droplets on the floor. The testament of her warring heart. She tried to swallow them back, to force her eyes to stop, but her turmoil kept coming in vast waves. Her tears flowing freely, her sobs following their whims.

The next day was Sunday. There wasn't any class, and they had the day off. The first day of school would be tomorrow and Shizuru shivered as she thought about that. 'I have to survive past today first.' She reminded herself early that morning. She hadn't slept well, the echos of Natsuki's words wouldn't leave her mind. It felt like the weight of the world was crushing her. How could she explain her fears? How could she begin to apologize to the poor girl. They'd known each other for years. They had more history than Shizuru dared to recall. When Natsuki first entered the academy as a kid, Shizuru had already been there. She had friends, and the classes were easy for her.

For Natsuki back then, it was all struggle.

It had continued to be a struggle, if Shizuru remembered correctly. 'So what happened in a year? Why would she change so fast?' She didn't have the answers. Part of her, a selfish and angry side of her, didn't want to know either. She'd been raised in a greedy manner, though she herself, wasn't such a person by nature. She simply asked, and she received. She hadn't wanted for anything growing up. Natsuki wasn't so carefree. The nagging at the back of her mind told her something she didn't want to accept. 'Natsuki has moved on, and you weren't part of the plan.' It was true, Shizuru supposed Natsuki would have moved on from back then. 'But so quickly?' No...she hadn't.

That explained the anger, the distrust. The tremble in her voice, her lack of resistance. 'She thought it was a game.' Shizuru reminded herself. She knew she was a private person. She liked being mysterious. She enjoyed flirting too, she liked being playful, carefree. She wanted to pretend to be that way, to have a few moments everyday where she could let herself go. It may have seemed mean to some, but it wasn't like that had been her intention. 'But, in the end, you still hurt her.' She couldn't deny it, and wouldn't try. 'I was hurting too.' It was her best defense.

She too, had been hurt. The entire morning, there weren't any sounds coming from Natsuki's room. Shizuru knew she'd had to have been in there, but she didn't dare try to fight the angry woman within. Instead, she went back into her room. The phone at her bedside looked regal, and she shook her head, trying to clear her mind. Her fingers pressed numbers in memorized pattern, one she'd held dear. The line rang once, twice, three times...

"Garderobe, Shizuru? Was that really necessary?" The annoyed voice on the other line greeted her. "It isn't every day I get a call, least of all from you."

"What would you have me do then?" Shizuru's mocking tone died as soon as it fell from her lips. "It was necessary though, I work here now. Surely you know that Haruka, I thought I informed you."

"Alright, what happened this time." The voice grew dull quick, almost bored, as if she wanted action, and wanted it now. "I know that tone. Don't even try to lie."

"It's nothing important." It was though, and they both knew it. Shizuru wouldn't have called her otherwise. "I was just wondering when you and Yukino would be arriving. It is-...I find loneliness setting it."

"Where's your delinquent friend of yours? She didn't go off and get herself arrested, did she?" Haruka pressed for information. She was dense, yes, and she prided herself on not making a big deal out of every little thing. This was different. It was a defeatist attitude. It grated on Haruka's nerves, hearing her long time friend like that. "Something happened, now spill."

"She's working here as well." Shizuru whispered, swallowing the lump in her throat. "I just found out yesterday that I was going to take the headmaster position. Natsuki will be working under me. We had a confrontation late last night."

"Tea sipping idiot." Haruka sighed. "That's why I didn't want you involved with her. You always get like that, right after she rejects you." Haruka looked at her files that were strewn across her desk. "We put in the transfer a week after you did. The paperwork is still being processed. Who knows when it'll get done. It takes forever. When I find something out though, I'll let you know."

"Thanks Haruka." Shizuru smiled at that, she could just see Haruka now, likely cursing under her breath as she tried to make her desk look tidy. "You're a real friend. I really can't thank you enough for everything."

"Yeah yeah, I know." Haruka grumbled as she scribbled something away on a notepad. "Listen, I've gotta get back to work, so take care of yourself. Yukino and I will be there when we get the chance."

When Shizuru hung up the phone, the deafening silence took over again. It boomed in her ears, even her breath sounded like a hurricane. She was used to this, she assumed, this loneliness. She wasn't sure why everything had slipped from between her fingers. She made her way to Natsuki's door, it was locked still, just like the younger woman's heart. "Natsuki..." She began, quietly enough that her doleful emotions could slip out of her normally masked voice. "I know you think I've used you." Yet, loud enough that she could be heard through the door. "That you were some game, a passing interest I'd had. That's just not the true, Natsuki. It's a fabrication, built by something. Anything really, but that's not how I feel."

"How do you feel?" The voice was muffled, tired, as if Natsuki hadn't slept at all that night.

Shizuru knew that Natsuki probably hadn't. Rest was a fleeting thing when your heart skipped beats, forgetting you were alive. "If I knew that answer, you wouldn't be locked away, hiding." Shizuru sighed, she felt so weak. "Then again, you've always been that way. Unattainable, though lord knows I've tried." She could almost feel the warmth on her back, as if Natsuki and sat by the door all night. "Natsuki, there wasn't anything between Anh and I. She was a friend, she helped me, when no one else would. I looked into her eyes, and I knew she loved me. Anh knew, she and I, we were on a borderline we couldn't cross."

"You're cruel, Shizuru." Natsuki whispered, venom lacing her voice. "You have no idea just how much." She knew her words were toxic, but she just didn't care. "You don't know what you want, what you're asking. You never have." She felt her strength seeded deeply with anger. "I'm not what you think. You'd be happier with Anh, and I would have been better off, had I not run into you. I hate you." Natsuki's voice began to wane. "I hate everything you've given me. Every once of faith, every shred of hope. I don't want it."

That hadn't been true, Shizuru was sure. "You're lying, my Natsuki. You're not ready to talk to me, I can see that." Shizuru whispered back softly. "I'll wait though, because I can do that for the rest of my life, and I would never regret a thing."

"I can be ready now!" Natsuki spat. "I can be ready any time I want to be, but what good would it do? You tell me that, Shizuru. If you're going to play games with me again, why the hell should I even bother trying to forgive you? Why keep trying to get close enough to trust you? You'll just throw me away, so what's the point?"

"I don't know when it was, that I began to fall for you, but when I had to leave, I realized how much I missed you." It was a failing battle for now, so it was best if Shizuru gave up for the time being. "Seeing you here, it tells me we have a chance, that I have a secondary hope. So, while you throw yours out the window, I'll grasp onto mine. Perhaps, one day, we can meet someplace in the middle." Shizuru knew, she could only wish for a day like that to come.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Firstly, I just wanted to thank you all for the words of encouragement and wonderful reviews. I'm so excited that symmetry is being enjoyed by you guys. I surely enjoy writing it. That said, I've received a few questions that I thought would be best answered here, since I can't replay to those who are labeled as Guests. Firstly, Natsuki is the only futa character thus far. That may change, that may not. We shall see how it pans out with the storyline as it progresses. Secondly, Shizuru will be the headmistress, Natsuki will be working under her. I hope that cleared some things up. I hope you enjoy this next installment.
> 
> Don't own Mai Hime/Mai Otome.
> 
> A/N#2: Next set of edits.

Chapter 7  
(POV, Nao)

Garderobe academy, a school for the rich girls.

Snobby uptight little girls who have their panties in a twist. Normally you start here at about the age of five. That's when most of us get dumped here anyway. On occasion, you'll get some sorry, good for nothing sap, who'll be left here midyear, but it's rare. The girls here come from families who have more money than god. They have more clout than most could even dream of. Some of us, like yours truly, weren't as lucky as everyone else. I was left here as soon as my fifth birthday hit. My aunt shipped me off, hated me I guess. My mom was sick, still is actually, and my aunt didn't really care about a little twerp like me.

Like most girls here, I grew up in these walls, but you really can't say I'm like them.

There are a few of us who don't belong here. We're outsiders, we won't ever fit in, for whatever reason. I'm a commoner, so a lot of the girls don't like me. Those that do, well, lets just say they think I'm a tramp. Screw them, I don't really care what they think. They don't have a care in the world, all of their money, their power...they don't know what it means to grow up in poverty.

When I was little, gunshots would go off at night all the time, it was my lullaby.

The house I grew up in was old, and cramped. There was mold everywhere. The heater didn't work half the time, and we could hardly keep the lights on. I may have been little back then, but that shit sticks with you, no matter what you do. I'll bet my aunt thinks she did me a favor, sending me here like she did. The thing is, I don't give a rat's ass about what she thinks is noble. If she had cared, if she'd even given a damned about me and my mom, she would have taken us in much sooner. She would have taken care of us after my dad walked out.

She's after money though, that's the only thing she really wants. If my mom would have just keeled over, she would have gotten checks. Checks that in all reality, belonged to me. My mom's still alive though, still strong and fighting hard. My aunt be damned by fate, that's for sure. I was still stuck here though, the time in these walls were a total drag. I had to sneak out half the time just to keep busy. If I had been the only one around here, the only outcast, I'm not quite sure what I would have done.

The way this school works is pretty linear. It's an elevator school. That means, if you start here, you normally end here too. Like I said, I started at the youngest possible age, five. In my set of classmates there was only one other girl like me, and she was a goody, goody. Her name was Mai, a carrot top with a kiss-ass attitude. It drove me nuts how much she was a suck-up.

It didn't matter though. Mai didn't have a mom either, and she didn't have any high standing family of which to speak. She did have good grades though, and that's what got her into this place. Like me though, the kids didn't really like her. Mai and I formed a mutual alliance, although, I can't really say I'd call her a friend. During class projects we would partner together as often as we could, at lunch we'd sit together. We even shared dorms together. I considered it to be basic survival.

As I grew up, Mai grew on me. She was the first person I'd ever met who treated me nicely, and I had to do the same for her. I trusted her, but Mai isn't the type of girl you can vent with. You know, let your hair down, be yourself. I just couldn't do that around Mai. I'd had a pretty dark childhood, and, well, I just couldn't relate to Mai's life. Yeah, I know Mai had it tough too, in some ways. Still, her family loved her. She even had a little brother who sent letters and pictures every weekend. What did I have? A torn picture of my sick mother, and a deadbeat dad.

I hadn't known much about him, but the fact that he left us pisses me off, even now. If my mother hadn't gotten jumped? Well, lets just say I would have grown up a much happier kid. How could I tell Mai all I went through? The answer was, I just couldn't. She'd ask me where I came from, and I normally blew her off. It was easier to walk away from her, to sneak out, than it was to talk about it.

It took some time, before I met someone who could really understand me.

Mai and I had just turned ten. The new school year started, and randomly, for no damned reason, we were uplifted from our dorm room. It was one of the smallest ones on our floor. There wasn't any possible way someone wanted to stay there. The only reason we liked it, was because the other kids left us alone. We were well out of the way, they had to come searching for trouble, and we always hid. The two of us were put into a far larger room, but we also had to share. Lucky for us, they were new arrivals. We'd had a chance to meet them, before they met everyone else.

The new arrivals were named Chie and Aoi. Now there's an interesting story, those two. I still don't get it myself, but the details never really mattered to me in the first place. I only cared about two facts at first. One, only Aoi came from a rich household. Secondly, Aoi's family was paying Chie's tuition. The two girls were nice enough, I guess. I knew right off the bat we could survive in the room with them. It still didn't answer who got our old one though. After all, we were still elementary students. Kids like that bunked in groups of four, unless you were like Mai and I, bullied all the time. Turns out the person who stole it, was actually someone who'd become my best friend.

Natsuki's an ass clown on the best of days, yeah, but she's also like me. Her dad just left her here. She had a pretty sad past from what I can tell, but with every sad memory, you can see that she holds onto it fondly. As if the memory hadn't been sad at one point, but that it is now. I don't know. Natsuki and I never talked about things like that, at least, not deeply. Our friendship started out rocky, even now, some would think we really aren't friends at all. We greet each other with insults, I prefer it that way. I think she does too. Anyway, we got into trouble a lot, not that it really matters. With someone like Natsuki around, you just come to expect things like that.

Back then, we'd felt complete. Aoi was really smart, and she spent most of her time helping us with homework. Mai did all the cooking, even when she was little, she was really good. Chie, Natsuki, and I held down the fort. Protected the underclassmen that were like us. The girls around here were harsh, and not that I can't be...I just feel there is a time and place for everything.

The rule, picking on your own size, applies to everything I do. You don't screw around with people in numbers, that's the first thing you learn on the street. The more of us that were together, the safer we'd all be. For someone like me, it was a necessity. I could see that everyone else thrived on it too. In junior high, we began to get a bit more rebellious. Fighting was rougher, and out vandalism went from basic toilet paper and crayons, into egging things, and graffiti.

No one dared to mess with us, we were pretty strong kids, we didn't mind throwing punches. Mai and I weren't the odd ones out anymore. It was nice, having the others around. Aoi's wealth spoke volumes, and soon, even some of the rich girls started talking to us. I think they were more interested in Aoi and Mai than the rest of us, and it made Chie jealous as hell, but I didn't really care. It meant more nights to go out and steal booze, and that was just fine and dandy in my book. I can't remember much since there were so many nights we'd get blasted.

The consolation was that we mellowed out in high school, not completely, but some.

It wasn't like we planned it. It just slipped into place, as if it should have been that way. It felt so natural, that when someone joined our little group, we didn't think anything of it. Even now, everything we do revolves around each other. Mai got a job in the kitchen, and what did we do? We followed her. Aoi was offered a clerical position in the elementary wing of the school. Chie sucks with numbers, so they shoved her on the groundskeeper staff. Natsuki's got a cushy desk job kissing ass all day, and me? Well, I'm the damned janitor.

Filthy jobs for the foul mouths, according to Miss Maria.

I don't believe in fate, or luck, or any crap like that. I do believe in family though, and in finding a place to belong. I believe that's why we're still here. For some of us, it's the only home we've ever known. For others, they've got no reason to leave, and even if they did, they would still stay anyway. Don't ask me how I know that, I just do. It's just like asking why the sky's blue, it just is. We just work that way. I think before, it was because we had no other choice. Now, it's because we don't want to give that up...whatever the reason is, it doesn't really matter.

If I've gotta live the rest of my life cleaning everyone's crap up, I don't really care. Just give me a bottle of beer, a good game of poker, and a shitload of laughs, and I'll be just fine.

Chapter 8

It was with half lidded eyes that Natsuki poured the glass of warm tea into a cup. She was thankful Shizuru took it without anything else, since the cup was almost filled to the brim. "Oatmeal..?" She grumbled incredulously. "Is that really all you want?" The crack of dawn wasn't for a few hours yet, but that didn't stop work from starting. She wanted to curl back under her warm sheets. That sounded like a wonderful plan. It wouldn't happen though, and she knew it. "How about some real food? Pancakes or something."

"Some nice oatmeal will suffice, Natsuki." Shizuru was also in a slightly grumpy mood. "It'll be warm, and soothing. A good way to begin a day we both know will be busy." She was already filling out the document to be sent to the board of education. That was one thing of many she still had to do. "Orange juice is good for the body anyway." She looked up momentarily, her sleepy eyes hidden by her glasses, ones with thin silver frames. "Just go get it, please."

"Yeah, yeah. I'll get the damned food." It was all the down in the kitchen. To make matters more aggravating, she was on one of the upper floors. "Just don't think I'm going to be your stupid gopher every morning."

"It is part of your job description, Natsuki." Shizuru told her, only half listening. "You will do your job as detailed, for the good of our school. Run along now, I've got to finish this."

"Yes, mother." She snarled back as she slammed the door quite loudly behind her. "Damned woman thinks I'm a child now." She ranted to herself. Her way to the kitchen was uneventful. Some students, those that had been her underclassmen last year, were eying her with interest. As if they'd heard rumors, but were trying to figure out the truth. Natsuki simply ignored them. She could hear the whispers, but she was just so tired she couldn't bring herself to care. She was also groggy enough, that she slammed into the kitchen door, face first.

As she rubbed her face, cursing, she barely registered an angry Mai, who hadn't wanted to be bothered. The entire kitchen came to a halt, looking at Natsuki as she rubbed her face, invectives falling from her lips freely. Caught up in her pain, she hadn't seen anything fly past her head so fast in her life. "Mai, what the hell!" She clutched onto her blue coat as if it had any sort of protection. Her eyes scanned the floor, picking up the offending piece of artillery. "You could have killed me with this-this-what is this thing?" She knew she was sleepy, but she couldn't quite make out what the item was.

"It's a spife, lame brain." Mai muttered reaching out across the counter to take it back, tossing it into the sink with other dirty dishes. "Don't you see I'm busy here, come back after we're done frying up seven hundred pancakes, three-hundred-fifty eggs, and dicing up all of that fruit you see back there." Mai was the worst Natsuki had ever seen her. Flower was strewn everywhere, batter, in large metal bowls awaited to be plunked down on the heating surface of the wide griddle, and all around, the staff was frantic. "And that's just for the students." Mai sighed as she looked over at a different team of chefs, preparing the meals for the faculty. "They're in charge of everyone else."

"Holy crap. How many kids are we feeding?" Natsuki watched as Mai didn't stop rushing about as she cleaned one of the work surfaces that had raw egg on it. Someone else behind her, an elderly gentleman, had already gone to work ladling rows of batter on the piping hot surface. Natsuki could only see part of the staff, the others were hidden in the back.

"Do the math." Mai grumbled as she stopped scrubbing for a moment, suds dripping off her arm as she put her elbow up, resting her head in her hands. "Each student gets two pancakes, an egg, and fruit as a main dish. They also get to choose between two sides. One is a meat, the other is cereal. Now, do I have to throw you out of the kitchen, or are you going to tell me why you're contaminating my counter."

"Our wonderful Headmistress wants her breakfast." Natsuki groused as she crossed her arms. "She sent me down here to get it. She wants a glass of orange juice, and a bowl of oatmeal. Something about always eating light in the morning." Natsuki shrugged, she hadn't really been paying attention anyway, avoiding Shizuru eyes as much as she could so far. "I'm starving though, so if I could get my food now, I'd love it."

"I figured you'd come begging." Mai sighed knowingly as she pulled out a platter that had been sitting on a heating try, sliding it across the metal surface. "Steak and eggs, can't go wrong there."

Natsuki nodded gratefully. The meal that sat before her was drool worthy, and she eagerly cut the first bite, humming happily as it melted in her mouth. Then, it was as if a travesty took place. "Mai!" She whined, as loud as she could. "There's no mayo on it." Her words were pitiful, her eyes playfully tearful. "The steak will be lonely without it."

"Yes, yes. Can't let that happen, now can we." Mai told her friend dryly as she came back with a tub of it. "I have to keep it in the fridge, so forgive me for not gift wrapping it for you." Mai forwent the normal spoon, and instead pulled out the ice cream scoop. "Only one dollop, no more than that, or you'll give yourself a heart attack." She rolled her eyes as Natsuki watched with glee.

Everything was right with the world again, her favorite topping plopped smack dab in the middle of her plate. "Mayo..." Natsuki cooed, a small smile on her face. "Mayo, mayo-mayo. I love mayo." It was as if Mai had given a child her favorite toy. Mai wished two things. One, that she had a camera, and two, that Natsuki would leave.

"Natsuki..." Mai asked, her temper barely containing itself.

"Yep?" The steak was good, and she was blissfully unaware that she was being a distraction.

"Why are you still standing there?" Mai sighed, shaking her head.

"Food." Natsuki said, as if it was logical to stand and eat inside of a hot, stuffy, kitchen. She didn't seemed bothered the counter was covered in suds, or that she was in the way of the ovens. Never mind the fact she was also hogging the only way to the door. She put a fork full of egg into her mouth, ignoring the fingers tapping away heatedly at the metal surface. 'Sooo good!"

"Get out of my kitchen, before I flush this last gallon of it down the toilet." She had known well, if anything would make Natsuki bolt of out a room, it would be that threat. Emerald eyes got wide, as if she'd just been beaten with a thick newspaper. She picked up her place and scurried away, thanking Mai for the food one more time before evacuating the kitchen. "Effective..." She noted, saving it for later use.

Natsuki hid in her office while she ate, thankful that Shizuru's meal wouldn't be completed for sometime yet. Even when it was prepared, she assumed the staff would bring it up, especially considering Natsuki was forbidden to move from her chair. A stack of papers were piled high, and she realized they were transcripts. She'd never seen anything so detailed before, and she couldn't make heads or tails of them. Miss Maria had warned her the first few weeks would be a bit unorthodox, but Natsuki hadn't guessed quite how much.

"Want help yet?" The elderly woman asked. She was sitting in an armchair on the far side of the room, enjoying one of the pears she'd pedicured from the kitchen earlier. Natsuki seemed to think on that for a moment, but didn't say anything. "Well, would you like assistance, or wouldn't you?"

"I can do it by myself." Natsuki said stubbornly as she looked blankly at the papers. Every so often, between bites of her meal and swings of her dark soda, she'd flip a page, acting like she understood everything she was reading. In reality, each new page made her more confused. It had gone on for nearly a half hour before Natsuki finally gave into pressure. Miss Maria had waited calmly, and finally she took a breath of relief when Natsuki asked for her help. The old woman explained in great detail everything about them. Transcripts were used to keep student information handy, and as a reference, Miss Maria had pulled up Natsuki old file. Knowing it wasn't needed anymore, she'd wrote notes in red all over it, purely for later reference.

The day had gone on that way. Long, and without much warfare between Natsuki and Shizuru. Miss Maria took pride in her little schemes. If she could keep them both busy, she could keep the peace. If Natsuki wasn't fighting, Maria knew she would finally get some of her own work done. She knew she couldn't keep them at arms length forever though. Sooner or later, one or both of them could snap. She could just see it happening right before her eyes. Even though it had been Natsuki's job, Miss Maria had taken lunch to Shizuru, if only so that she could keep an eye on the tawny haired woman.

She looked frazzled as she went over document after document. She was reading them meticulously, scanning every word. Shizuru was know for her perfectionism. It was however, a trait that made her an incredibly slow worker. She could see Shizuru was acting like a robot. Her mind was on her work, but her heart was in another land. As she bit her bottom lip, and one slender finger traced each line on every paragraph, it was no doubt that she was struggling. She would gulp and lick her lips every so often. Her breathing baited, a nagging thought was playing on her mind.

As if she couldn't act on the impulse, but dearly wished she could.

It was a far cry from Natsuki's swiveling chair that couldn't keep still. Both women were restless though, of that, Maria was quite positive. As the school bells rang, she had students to attend. That meant she had to leave her little project alone for a few hours, hoping the two of them wouldn't bicker in her absence. It was unlikely, surely, the fact that they'd have to share their dinner together tonight almost guaranteed there would be a fight. Maria didn't worry herself with it though, her mind on the much more pressing matter of the new students and the constant trouble makers.

It was funny when she'd thought about it, Natsuki had been on that list, not so long ago.

Natsuki's desk was swimming with work all day long. Once the transcript debacle was over with, there were still lunch menus to sign, phone calls to make, and an entire list of things that had gone wrong. Just when she thought her day couldn't get any more tiresome, Natsuki was informed that dinner had arrived in the headmasters office, and that if she wanted to eat, she would have to take her meal in the next room. Natsuki was reluctant at first, not sure what she could expect. It was fine dinning tonight, she noticed when she saw the meeting table covered with a white cloth. Candles glowed dimly in the office, the lighting had been turned down to the lowest setting.

A fine red wine sat at room temperature to breath. On the table, a chilled gazpacho had been placed into a shallow crystal bowl. There was also a salad alongside it. The main dish, tender cuts of roast beef, steamed vegetables, and freshly baked rolls awaited her. She could even see the small dish of mayo, waiting only for her. Mai had cooked this, she didn't have any doubts. She wasn't sure if it was her feet, or her gut, that had made her sit at the table, but it was surely her eyes that danced among the ambiance, not even taking a gander at the woman nearby. Her heart told her that this was a complete and total setup.

Her mind, thankfully much more logical, told her that it was part of her daily routine.

"Have you finished everything?" Shizuru's soft voice asked behind her napkin, before she placed it back into her lap. Her eyes shimmered in the glowing candlelight. It was breathtaking, her pale skin contrasting in the shadows as her long hair flowed freely over her shoulders. She had pulled her long hair away from her face, exposing her neck in the process. Shizuru probably didn't even realize she was being seductive. Her actions were quite flawless, normal really. She hadn't been trying to capture Natsuki's gaze, and yet, somehow, she had. "Are you alright, Natsuki?" She asked worried.

"Yeah, I'm fine." Her voice wasn't quite so assertive, and her uneasiness was obvious. "I finished everything that Miss Maria left on my desk. It all got done without incident, mostly." Keeping it professional seemed like a good plan. She had to survive the dinner, give her report, and not loose her mind while doing so. "We will have to buy some new desks for the students though, a few of our classrooms are over the limit. There's also been a mix up with two of the textbooks we ordered." It wouldn't be easy, her heart was already warning her not to get close.

"That doesn't seem all that bad." Shizuru said idly before she took a sip of her wine. "The student committee will simply need to take a stock of everything we have. This sort of thing is rather common." She rose an eyebrow as she noticed Natsuki begin to scarf food down, but she didn't concern herself with it. "Once they have the numbers, they'll submit the request forms, and you can order whatever item they say they need. That will also include requests for the club activities as well." Natsuki nodded, but didn't say anything else. They ate quietly for a bit, but the silence wasn't comfortable. It was bubbling, and waiting to be stirred. Shizuru couldn't take it anymore when she finally placed her utensils down. She'd finished her soup, part of her salad, but hadn't even touched her main course yet. "May I have a few words with you, off the record?" She asked as she folded her napkin, placing it on the table.

"You're not going to let this drop, will you?" Natsuki grumbled with her mouth full of food. "You know I don't give a damn about your stories." Wine, that was a good idea, Natsuki decided. If she was going to have to suffer, she wanted to be as illogical as possible. She had downed her glass swiftly, and then without hesitation, poured herself another. "If you want to take my good day and ruin it, go ahead, but I plan to get drunk while you do so."

"This isn't the time for your childish games." It was a tone Natsuki had only heard once, and it was so long ago, it seemed only a phantom in the wind. "Do you think for a moment that I wanted to run into you again either? I was an entire grade ahead of you, and besides, I could hardly kept up with most of my friends, let alone any kohai that hadn't left with me." Shizuru had always been a difficult woman, many could agree to that, but she was also so popular, she'd had to be. "I won't say that I hadn't made mistakes, but you can't get all high and mighty either." That tone though, it was a commanding presence so great, it sent shivers down anyone's spine. "I could never figure you out back then, and that hasn't changed now. You're hiding something from me, you always have."

She stood from her chair, her eyes never leaving Natsuki's. Emerald and crimson battled for supremacy, and for a moment the room got quiet again. "You can't handle the truth." Natsuki told her, knowing she was headed for trouble. "You've no idea what you're asking." She didn't want to tell anyone either. "Even if you did, I wouldn't even know how to begin."

"I would, if you'd just tell me." Shizuru told her sternly. "I'm girl too, you know. I have fears just like the rest of them, insecurities that I may not be good enough. That won't ever go away because of what Anh did. You think she was some horrible person, but if it hadn't been for her, I would have never met you. I would have never made mistakes, and damn it Natsuki, I would have never known anything about love, or passion. I wouldn't have gotten the memo, because I would have been the darling daughter my parents wanted me to be, instead of taking risks and chances."

"The Anh thing aside, my life hasn't been that clear cut, Shizuru." Natsuki sighed, wondering why she felt compelled to defend her point any further. "You've always had what you've wanted in your life. Everything has been handed to you on a silver platter, and the things you've worked for, are things you've been passionate about." She ran a shaky hand through her dark tresses, trying to calm her nerves. "The things I don't want to talk about, are things that have become absolute in my life. Things I can't change...I mean, I could technically, if I wanted to." She couldn't deny that she wanted to leave, but it wouldn't do any good. "But if I did change those things, then I wouldn't be me...I'm just not ready, and Anh, though she pisses me off, isn't the reason." Anh did annoy her though.

It was a nagging feeling that wouldn't go away. "While we're on that topic though, why did you play into her stupid games?" Anh was a flighty young woman, one who had been in the same grade as Shizuru. She was outgoing, kind, and notoriously loose. Though it was rumored that Anh hadn't slept with every willing man and woman in the radius, Natsuki had suspected otherwise. "You were best friends, so why did you screw around with her?"

Shizuru softened then, her anger seemingly dissipating behind her eyes. "She was comforting, I guess." The food that sat idly on the table was probably cold, but she wasn't hungry anymore. "My parents were generous, but no matter how much money you have, the dorms are lonely at night. She used to sneak out all the time, and I wondered what it would be like. We fooled around a little, but, she never touched me like that. Anh did what she did, because I wanted someone to acknowledge me, and I knew she would." It was a fleeting relationship that would never have worked. "We did what we did, because I was in this weird phase. It was never anything more than that. It would be like you and Nao, it would never happen, and least not anything serious."

Natsuki nodded, but she felt numb. "It doesn't justify anything. Everyone gave me such a guilt trip about it, when they thought I rejected you." The thing was, they hadn't even been dating. "You and I were friends, you never even tried to get close to me. I didn't actually get that you liked me until you were gone. Everyone said I was dense, and maybe I am, but it wasn't like you were being straightforward either." Natsuki could remember the days in the halls, when perverted notes found their way into her locker. She could feel her face redden each time Shizuru had pounced on her from behind. It was true, the older woman had done it to all of her friends, but no one more so than Natsuki. The jokes she'd gotten were explicit, the caresses gifted were more sensuous. "If you would have just said something, instead of wanting me to guess, then perhaps I wouldn't have thought I was a game. But, you love games, cause we're playing it again. Things haven't changed."

Natsuki had pushed her plate back, and stood from her seat. "I'm tired, so I'm going back to the room, taking a shower, and going to bed." She was at the door when a new thought came to mind, and she spared Shizuru one last glance. "I don't want to wonder about you, hoping you're okay, feeling like everything was my fault. Scars don't heal in a day, and memories, no matter how fond they are, can't ever be more than that...I loved you back then, but I didn't think you felt the same, so I hadn't said a word. I think, it would be best if I continued in that mindset...not saying things, and just living my own life the only way I know how."

That numb feeling hadn't gone away after she left Shizuru alone in the office. Normally, She took showers. They were quick, refreshing, and she didn't linger long enough to feel lonely. Baths were different. She'd found that baths made her reflect on things she'd rather not. Forcing her mind to travel down paths otherwise avoided. Why she took one tonight, she didn't really know.

She needed to be in a proper mindset, one that begged for solitude. That, and a good book. It was a guilty pleasure sometimes, but it was rare, and she hadn't longed for such a thing. The warm droplets of water that dripped slowly echoed in the room, a testament to the facts. Her form sat in a muted mirror, the reflection something real, the water distorting who she was. It was times like these, that she would examine herself on a critical level, a dark one, perhaps. It was welcomed all the same, she couldn't refuse.

It was quite some time later, around when the water started to cool, that she could hear footsteps meandering around. First, they went to the small refrigerator, then, they moved to the living area. The television flickered on for a moment, the channels changed, and then, the sound stopped. Shizuru was likely moping around. Natsuki noticed that Shizuru hadn't even tried to say a word. She hadn't attempted once to bother her. Shizuru went to bed, the soft thud of the door the only clue. Natsuki's fingers were wrinkled, and her heart was still at war. She'd felt guilty to a small degree. Then, she felt anger at herself, for even thinking of feeling sympathy. She wanted to loathe Shizuru, to hate her for all she'd done in the past.

It would be easier, without a doubt.

Not giving an inch, refusing to back down, that's what Natsuki had done her entire life. She was a lot of bark, for a small amount of bite, she knew it. There wasn't any point in fighting most battles. She'd give up half way, purely because fights generally weren't worth her time. 'Does that mean Shizuru is?' That was the one thing Natsuki couldn't get rid of. The small little tidbit that played in her mind. It was havoc, she hated thinking for a moment Shizuru could be worth anything. 'Mai and Nao earned their place at my side. Shizuru didn't care and left me on my own. Dad did too, but it didn't hurt half as bad.' She thought, pulling the plug on the drain, as if that made it final. It was the abandonment that hurt Natsuki the most.

She wanted to blame Anh. She could blame that woman for most of the strife. It was all water under the bridge though. Natsuki could look past that, she could move on from a little bit of teasing. Abandonment was an entirely different issue. One she simply didn't talk about. It wasn't like Shizuru needed to know, the others didn't ask, and Natsuki never had to say a word. Her entire life had been built up by her father's mistake. Leaving her alone to fend for herself. She'd barely begun to heal when she'd met Shizuru. That had only been with the help of a very selected, and hand picked few. It wasn't that Natsuki was at all snobbish, and she liked the idea of friendship. She just needed a particular type of friend.

Nao was abusive, but she was loyal. Mai was motherly, and she was soft. Chie was the type of person indifferent to anything and anyone, unless they were the center of gossip. Natsuki didn't mind that though, since she was under the radar most of the time. Aoi wasn't someone particularly close, not like the others, but Aoi was there. For what it was worth, Aoi was allowed near Natsuki's personal bubble, a feat in and of itself. Natsuki had chosen them, just as they had chosen her.

It was playing with fire to trust Shizuru at all, even back then. Natsuki had known that from the start. She didn't want fire, or danger. It wasn't practical, she didn't want to second guess anything. Shizuru made her do just that...she made Natsuki wonder about every detail.

It terrified Natsuki sometimes. How she felt like time would stop. As if the world hit the pause button, forcing her to stare at the woman that infuriated her. She could feel the intensity, the burning sensations that didn't really have any place to go. They bubbled in her belly, made her short of breath, lost in thought. Her personal space wasn't quite as protective around Shizuru, who would break the barrier Natsuki had built any chance she got.

The night she'd been pinned was another broken piece of string on a very thin rope. She wanted that touch, and she'd almost craved it. God help her that she didn't break so easily next time. There would be a next time, she was sure of it. That scared her too, the fears of letting Shizuru get close, to open her heart. The inevitable would take its toll. Then, as if nothing had ever happened, Shizuru would just leave again.

Natsuki was sure of it.

Chapter 9  
(Haruka's POV)

Bubuzuke always gets herself into trouble. If she isn't stuck with piles of paperwork, she's off flirting with whatever walks by. Her libido is always getting her into trouble. Between Shizuru and Anh, they don't know the first thing about hard work, let alone to keep things respectful. Shizuru, when she's alone, isn't so bad. She's got her heads in the clouds, yeah, but I guess that's she's allowed to be like that. Not all of us have someone who can keep us down on earth.

I've got that person, Shizuru...she has...well, she has well, her tea, I guess. I'm there for her, but I'm not in love with her. That would be outright wrong, never mind the fact that Bubuzuke has the hots for a delinquent. A hot tempered, immoral one at that.

Now, I'll admit, Anh isn't much better. Still, she is better, at least a little. Anh really liked Shizuru back in junior high, I guess they had a thing going. They shared a dorm room, so who knows what happened in there between them at night. It's sick, perverse, and I don't even want to know. Anyway, they liked each other, I think. Anh wasn't the type to be reserved though. Anh is a forward person, if she wants sex, she'll get it. I have no doubt about that. Shizuru is a bit different. She can't say what she wants, and I think that's a bit cowardly.

I mean, even Yukino had the guts to tell me she wanted me. If Shizuru can't be like that, she deserves whatever pain comes her way. That's just what I think. Yukino was really nervous. She stuttered all over the place when she told me, her blushing was so bad, the way that it made her cheeks stand out was just...well, it was cute. I thought her glasses were going to fog up.

That's Yukino for you.

But, back to Shizuru. She's the type that thinks others know what she wants. She says that eyes are the window to the soul, and I get that. But, a soul doesn't talk, your mouth does. And if she's going to be dumb enough to just stand there and look stupid, or sit and drink her tea behind her desk all day, that's just her ignorance. No one would respond to that. Not even Anh. Whatever they had in middle school fell apart in high school.

Why?

Well, I don't really know. In fact, I don't dare touch that question with a ten foot pole. It's like asking for a death wish. It ended alright, for the most part. They kept their friendship, and their odd flirting intact. I think Anh was the one who broke it off...dunno for sure though. The two of them are odd like that. Shizuru, she's kinda secretive about her feelings. I doubt I'll ever know for sure. It doesn't really matter, I guess. It really isn't anything that I need to worry about.

This mess on my desk is now my biggest problem. Well, it's Shizuru's old desk, but it's mine now. That dumb woman left me all of her paperwork from the last month and a half to sort through. I'm not the damned errand runner. She thinks I am though, I swear. It was like this back on the student counsel too. I was doing everything while she sat there and smiled like a dope. This is all easy paperwork. Most of it is finished, and just needs to be copied. I don't mind doing that crap, it's these order forms that I hate.

They're crumpled up, some have a water rings on them, and others I just can't read. I don't know how she did this day after day, that, and keeping up with the students, the report cards, and everything else. This is just nuts. How can she have this much unfinished work? I know she was counting on me, but, geez, at this rate, I'll never be transferred to Garderobe.

Now how did someone as young as Shizuru land such a high paying job right out of high school?

Good question. I have an answer. Daddy has money. Big time, bucks. She could wipe her ass with notes, and never be poor. Not only that, but she's crazy smart. Hence why she's a complete and total idiot when it comes to romance. She's kinda geeky, in her own way. Always has been, probably always will be. Anh is the one that unlocked the beast so to speak. She was like me, a secretary for a small charter school on the outskirts of the city limits. Her father owns the thing, so no duh he would employ the next heads of his company right out of school.

He's part of the administration board of elders. Simply put, he owns most of the buildings that he funds. My father is also part of that very same board. Yukino's mother just happens to hold one of the committee chairs. It's not as important as what my father does, but it does have some sway in things. It also helps that Yukino is our childhood friend. I mean, I was with Yukino for as long as I can remember, and we met Shizuru not long after that, when she joined Garderobe.

Shizuru and I were born and raised to become the next figureheads for the board of directors. Our jobs will be important. It was only fitting that Shizuru would be shoved into a position that would further train her. I guess you could say I'm in the same boat too, but my dad doesn't think I'm ready yet to take on a position like that. I'm just a secretary for now, but I don't really mind...I guess. It does mean I'm behind Shizuru again, but hell, she's been my rival from day one. So I don't care. I'll kick her butt one day, she'll see.

For now though, I'm stuck here, still in second place.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Alright so this weekend was bogged down with birthdays and the like, so that's why I haven't been posting an update. I sat down and got this one ready for today, so here you go. A few answers to questions first seems to be in order. The POV's do indeed have a purpose. Firstly, they are to give insight, and a bit of introduction to the characters that I wouldn't otherwise give you. Secondly, they depict this storyline and what is to come. I'm not trying to explain their story entirely as that will come with the storyline.
> 
> As for why it moves so slow. I myself, prefer that basic ideal, but more so than that, it is very much a Mai-HiME/Mai Otome quality. The relationships they share are always slow going. In the manga, Natsuki doesn't return Shizuru's affections at all. What you are seeing here, is a merge of Natsuki's characters. All three into one. Her stubborn streak has been retained from HiME anime, but I also like the way she's so on her guard about Shizuru, and also pushing away her advances (HiME manga). To even this out, for the Otome Anime series, I like Natsuki's calmer, less explosive side. This is the characterization I got when I mixed up her profiles. Anyway, that is why this is slow going, because the characters themselves, demand a slow environment. This chapter will be less slow, but that said, it isn't always going to have a fast pace.
> 
> For those that wanted Nao's storyline explained, here we go: It's basically a copped out version of her HiME storyline that I toyed with. Anyway, briefly stated Nao's father walked out on them. They lived in a bad Neighborhood, and Nao's mother was the victim of a mugging. This ended with her mother, an already frail woman, to have to stay with relatives. Nao's aunt left her in Garderobe, but I didn't divulge reasons, and Nao's past isn't written in a cleanly cut manner.
> 
> You need to remember, things that are written in one point of view may not always be the full truth, because the characters themselves, are biased people, only seeing one side of the coin.
> 
> With all of that out of the way, I hope you enjoy this chapter. It is rather long this time around.
> 
> A/N #2: MORE EDITS!

Chapter 10  
(POV, Anh)

There are just some things that belong together. Apples are apples, oranges are oranges. Categorically speaking, that's the way it belongs. If it were true all the time though, if there wasn't always an acceptation to the rule, life would be bland. Not everyone sees it like that at first, but then it hits you. The realization that someone can attract you, or repel you, like a magnet. It's an unknown force, the draw something like a game of cards.

You have to be calm, cool, and collected, at any given time. The people you meet in your life, well, they're like the wager. Each breath you take, a choice you make, could win them over, or lose them forever. It's just the way the world works. Just like with some things, there are also some people, who also go side by side. It's as if there would never be anyone else that would fit the mold. No matter what you do, they're made for one person, as if selected by fate.

Shizuru is that type of girl.

There would only ever be one person in her life. Once she discovered that person, she'd be complete. It was a fact I'd known ever since I met her. Sure, she was charismatic and kind, but I could see a lot of it was for show. There was a barrier there, and it sat there between her and the other students. It was as if she didn't trust them, or perhaps she viewed them as pawns.

I don't really know how to explain it well. It could have been the sparkle in her ruby eyes, lonely when she looked far off into the distance on the playground. It could have very well been her intelligence. Shizuru was always ahead of her class. It may have even been something as simple as her quiet and shy demeanor...she's not really so brave under the mask, truth be told.

Whatever it was though, Shizuru has always been the type of girl who simply fits in one place. She'd belong nowhere else.

The other students idolized her. They'd ask for help with homework, tried to sit with her at lunch, and even went as far as to call her their friend. These people, these girls, were shallow though. I could see it. Shizuru played along. It was probably for mutual benefit. That's how we were raised after all. The children of the wealthy understand a few basic things about networking early.

Namely, that it is of utmost importance to do so.

Shizuru's father is quite a powerful man, and even back then, they knew well what such a friendship meant. A lot of kids were put up to it by their parents, and others, well, they just wanted popularity. Either way, however you look at it, Shizuru was both a player, and a playing piece. It's how we all are. Money, it's pain really.

If you have a lot, people never leave you alone. Not enough, you don't survive.

In our world, status is really the most important thing ever. Without it, you have nothing. No money, no power, no clout to get you by. Hell, you may not even have a scrap of cloth on your back, once everything is taken away. There are two things that happen to women in cases like ours. One, we're expected to become a product of well breeding, just like of our family before us. That means, we don't have much room for mistakes. We follow the path our parent give us. For some of these girls, it means learning to take our rightful positions as heirs to companies, family clans, and quite possibly anything you can think of. Then, there are others.

Ones who are forced to marry, and they don't get to choose who.

Now you see, this gets very difficult when you have a daughter who isn't interested in men. Sure, you could marry them off anyway, but as soon as someone find out that they're gay, well, lets just say things don't always end well. Networking, being what it is in this day and age, often calls for a bit of creativity. There are many lesbians out there, and quite a few belong to these wealthy families. Knowing that their women will likely not produce proper offspring, and wouldn't be happy in a formal marriage, you could say, a sort of bond is built. The wedding may be a farce, but the contracts and binding company agreements? Oh no, those most assuredly aren't.

That's right...the girls end up in an ironclad agreement to stay partnered with the other woman.

For some, I guess you could say they get let off the hook. They'd rather be unhappy with a woman, than unhappy with a man. Shizuru was lucky to have a family far different than most. Her parents sought her happiness. My parents sought a connection. I knew from the start, that I would befriend that girl. Shizuru was someone I wanted to know. I longed to be by her side. She was beyond any mere conception, her mind as vast as the ocean waves. She was everything I wanted in a partner, and even as I child, I was mesmerized by her.

The tea parties in her room were often pleasant, her choices in music and friends also quite entertaining. It was a personal affair that happened every evening. I was overjoyed, when Shizuru first invited me. Back then, we were still children, a close bond seemed innocent. It was natural being by her side. My heart would swell every time I saw her walking down the hall, so perfect. I wanted to be just like her.

But then, I realized, Shizuru wasn't happy being perfect all the time. Her anger was held back. She was prim and proper, even when she wanted to scream. We grew up like that for a while. I was watching her suffer, and she was acting nonchalantly. She always did as she was told, without question, without a care. She was obedient, a good daughter, a wonderful student.

But no matter what, I always wondered if she was being true to herself. She only really had two friends at the time, and neither of them were fond of me. They told me I was causing a stir, if I did, was that rally my fault?

Haruka, a brash blond, always got on my nerves...and Yukino, a mousy girl, didn't seem like the type to get wild. Together the three of them, they were a rather motley bunch. Alone, it was something quite different. Life was blissful, more or less in junior high. I didn't have a thought in the world that I was being set up. It was only shortly after our first few weeks in our new classes, that to my dismay, I was given a call that disturbed me greatly.

We were fourteen at the time, Shizuru had confessed to her parents that she, indeed, was attracted to the fairer sex.

It troubled them, and they feared that Shizuru would not fit well with any man. Lucratively for my parents, Shizuru's father had no family in which he could rely on. Haruka, had already been promised to Yukino officially the year before. The documents were signed, there was nothing he could do about that. The Marguerite family had a daughter, but Shizuru was five years her senior. For teenaged girls, that is a rather large gap. At the time, they refused the Fujino proposal, shuttering to think they may have given birth to a lesbian.

That left very few options open.

My father, a political figurehead, knew that any bond with the Fujino family name would be in his best interest. He went along and spoke to her father, behind my back. He offered me, suggesting I may be a suitable replacement.

There was no reason to decline the offer. Shizuru and I were friends after all, and that's what her family wished most...

Shizuru's happiness, and to save face as best as they could. We weren't happy about it. Still, we didn't dare say anything. Shizuru had other goals at that time, and although I had an explicit interest in women, and a huge crush on Shizuru, it didn't mean I'd actually wanted to court her. I was informed that it was my job to make my fathers intentions known. I was to make them seem like my wishes, as if I loved Shizuru, more than anything else in this world.

I felt like my world was crumbling down around me, as if, for once, no matter what I did, there wouldn't be a path that would give us both happiness...

Chapter 11

The entire starting week went by strenuously. If it wasn't student transfer papers getting lost, it was ruckus in the halls. Meals were just starting to have a timely routine, and teachers were beginning to turn in their weekly reports. Natsuki would have to go through each one. With two classes of every grade level, that made for quite a bit of paperwork. Miss Maria assured Natsuki that things would slow down eventually, but the young woman hadn't been quite so sure.

If that hadn't been enough, Shizuru, as always, was acting like a tyrant. Her cool voice sent shivers up Natsuki's spine at every whim. Then, she started wearing her nightgown in their shared common space. Sure, it seemed like a relaxing thing to do, but Shizuru was up to more than that. Those silk gowns hugged her frame, and were nearly see through. It didn't help that she nearly purred Natsuki name's every time she had the chance.

Thankfully, after an entire week of madness, and emotional ups and downs, Friday evening greeted Natsuki. She hadn't spent much time with Nao over the week, unless they were talking about the upkeep of the school. Now though, with the students off to their dorms, or visiting families for the weekends, Natsuki was free. She craved the amber liquid Nao kept in abundance, and the beer that was chilled offhand. Greasy pizza was the other half of the invitation. A game of cards also welcome. The only depressing thing, was that she was missing half of their group.

Chie, if she knew the woman half as good as she thought she did, was likely tonguing Aoi like there was no tomorrow. Mai was stuck with disgustingly long hours, and wouldn't be out of the kitchen any time soon. When she was finally freed, she'd likely go pass out. That's what Natsuki assumed anyway. It would just be her and Nao, the duo were commonly left on their own, it wasn't anything different, it still bugged her though.

The janitorial staff stayed on the lowest level of the faculty side of the building. It easy to get to, and after a long hard day, it was nice to be able to get to your room quickly. Nao shared the room with only one other person, and she was a night staffer, busy at work. It was a thing of convince, Natsuki figured, that Miss Maria had Nao stay in one of the smaller shared rooms.

Still, it made no difference to them as they sat at an old folding table. If there was anyone Natsuki could trust with this, it'd be Nao, her embarrassment be damned. Cards were strewn around, several hands of poker got boring with just the two of them. It left them with nothing else to do except talk. "She's been doing nothing but hounding me since she got here." It started simply, as trouble often does. "It's been hell."

"Better throw in the towel buddy." First, it was about their week. For Natsuki, it was about her messy desk, Shizuru's tormenting, and unrelenting paperwork. For Nao, who's week wasn't much to speak of, only told what appliance was broken and who smashed a window. "You know you can't keep your eyes off her." Then, somehow, as conversations always do, it derailed.

"For the record, I doubt any self respecting lesbian could." Natsuki grumbled quietly. "I know for a fact you enjoy looking too." For some reason, it normally got like this. The topic of Shizuru always at the forefront of everything. They helped each other with every relationship hangup they could. "It's not a bad thing, I don't think."

"It's a great thing!" Nao replied enthusiastically. "I don't go around looking at every girl, but for some I make it a point to ogle. That Fujino is one hot woman, might I just say." Her mind wasn't always in the gutter, in fact, Natsuki knew Nao could usually be very respectful, at least with her eyes. Her mouth was another matter entirely. "If she wants to get in your pants, just let her. She'll cool off after that, hell if she doesn't, it'll be a full blown romance."

"Nao..." Natsuki shook her head. Anyone with eyes could tell Shizuru was beautiful. She was so captivating, even amidst their work or fighting, Natsuki couldn't help but stare. "Shizuru isn't like that. She wouldn't want to do those things just for the hell of it, at least, not with me." Natsuki coughed, trying not to think of Shizuru in sexual contexts.

It was already difficult enough with the woman in front of her, and Nao's picture painting wasn't helpful. "Even if she was..." She would pretend for Nao's sake, that she was mildly interested. In truth Natsuki felt pains in her chest. It throbbed each time Shizuru felt unhappy, the woman's emotions as varied as Natsuki's own. "I don't think it would be so easy."

"Oh hell yes it is." Nao shot back, leaning back in her chair, a smile coming to her face. "Everyone needs to get laid every now and then." It wasn't any secret Nao was active. "It's not anything to be ashamed of. Granted, I don't make a habit of doing it often, but when I do, it's great." Natsuki almost wished Nao kept thinks more quiet. Especially considering who the fiery redhead did it with. "It's a good way to calm down after a hard week. Plus, with you two, there's more tension than you realize. In the right moment in time, it would be as rough and raunchy, but I'll bet it would be gratifying."

"For you maybe." Natsuki bit out.

"For anyone you mean." Nao laughed. "Think about it, I'll bet Fujino likes it that way. I mean yeah, you can get all romantic and crap, lord knows that's what Mai likes." Nao shrugged, she never understood that part. It was so much work when she had to put all of the moves on Mai. "Still though, you can't knock the quickie, or the rough sex. You two are so pent up, I doubt it would be romantic anyway. Especially since I'd bet you'd be a complete and total wild type."

It was humiliating hearing Nao say those things. "I haven't had sex at all in my life! Not once! So stop being such a damn pervert!" Natsuki had thought about it though, more than she wanted to admit. There were nights she'd woken up in a cold sweat, her body getting the better of her. "Besides, it's not like I'm all that desirable." Shizuru's anger was too hot to handle. Her tears were devastating. The way she danced around the sensitive subjects made Natsuki so frustrated, she loathed those conversations. Her body ached at Shizuru's soft whisper, or her dulled and bored droll. "What makes me so great anyway?" Natsuki asked, her heart clenching at the truth.

"Your an eligible butch who packs, idiot." Nao sighed as she looked at Natsuki, resisting the urge to punch her for being stupid. "You look feminine, but your toned, lean and strong. You could bench press me for crying out loud, and yet, for god knows why, you didn't bulk up. Your boobs are just right, and knowing you, your ass is about as tight and firm as they come, so what the hell is your deal?" Natsuki wasn't half bad, even for Nao's tastes. She could appreciate the time and effort Natsuki took to look that way. "Never mind the fact that most girls think you're cute. Plus, you've got the balls to pack in public. That just screams instant sex, whenever the girl wants it. I mean think about it Natsuki, you're the entire package. Who wouldn't want to sleep with you?"

"Besides you?" Natsuki asked softly, mildly irritated, and completely flustered. "I can think of almost everyone I know. They wouldn't want to, trust me on that. No one would." For every dream she'd had as a teen, every deeply suppressed desire that haunted her at night, Natsuki knew her situation wasn't like Nao's. She'd have explaining to do, in more ways than one. "If they did, they'd regret it."

"Man oh man, are you missing screws." Nao sighed, her exasperation tenfold. "Whip out that strap, I'd take it for a spin any day. You want sex, I'll give you sex." Nao shrugged, her eyebrow raised. Her tone completely serious. "Remember, I only do friends with benefits though." She trusted Natsuki, just like she trusted Mai. For her, trust was everything. If you had that, you could ask, and normally, you would receive. Sex was a means to an end for some, but for Nao, it was a way to keep the important people as close as she could. "You best not go and get attached like some love sick jackass, cause I can't deal with that."

"Nao, you have no idea what the hell you're talking about anymore." She knew Nao had been honest though. Natsuki felt tempted, even for a moment, she considered doing exactly what Nao told her to do. In the end though, she knew Nao and Mai had a thing going. It wasn't clearly defined, but that wasn't the point. "You've must have drank more than usual." Natsuki pulled the last remaining beer bottle away from her friend. "Y-you're getting weird on me."

"I've only had three." Nao sighed softly, sitting forward and taking her feet off the table. "You know, I'd like to think I've been a pretty good friend over the years. So, spill the beans already. Why haven't you gotten anyone in the sack? I know you're not some swagger or anything, but even Mai had a small crush on you for a little bit. I did too, but you were always so stuck up on Shizuru. It was like you couldn't see past her. She was the one light in your life, and I'm okay with it, but then why not? Acting on your feelings can't be that hard, can it?" Her lime green eyes watched Natsuki carefully, searching for something she knew she'd never find. Still, it was fun to try anyway.

"Yeah..." Natsuki sighed. She wanted to say something more, but she didn't know how far she could go, settling on a very basic form of the truth. "It's harder than you think, Nao." She almost needed Nao to understand her plight. To feel parts of her depression that no one else understood. "Think about it like this. You said you'd sleep with me...that if I pulled it out, right here and now, that you'd be on me in an instant, right?"

"Yeah?" Nao muttered. "So what, a fuck's a fuck."

Natsuki shook the mental image out of her head. "But, what if there was something you didn't expect? What if I was someone, or had something...that you didn't want, or couldn't believe?"

Nao thought on that, curiosity nagging at her. "I would like to think you'd tell me about something like that before we decided to have sex. Still, it was my choice, so even if there was something about it I didn't like, I'm the one who put you up to it, right? So, shouldn't it be partly my problem at that point?"

"That's what I don't know about." Natsuki shrugged, her eyes traveling around the trashed room. It was like a tornado had hit the place, and she was thankful for the clutter. "That's why I haven't done anything...not with anyone." Her tone was defeated, and there was no way she could look Nao in the eye. Her face was burning, but she knew Nao was safe. "I-I've wanted it so many times. I just can't seem to find the one answer I'm looking for." It gave her something else to focus on. Anything but Nao, who was still eying her carefully. "It sucks, really."

"It sounds to me, like you aren't asking the right question. Or, that you aren't saying something that you should." Nao couldn't imagine Natsuki being an aggressive person in bed. Natsuki was a soft person. She could possibly be dominate, and Nao actually thought that particular trait to be something most women would look forward to, but Nao knew Natsuki would never be forceful. If it wasn't a personality issue, there was only one other thing it could be. Even then, Nao wondered about the problem. "Do you think you'll suck in bed, or something? If that's the case, trust me, I've been there before. It ain't earth shattering the first few times. Trust me. You've got nothing to worry about, unless...does Shizuru have experience?"

"Geez," Natsuki sighed, she hated to think of it like that. "I-I guess so." Natsuki could almost hear Shizuru in the back of her head, chuckling at Natsuki's expense. "That really isn't the issue here. Well, it could be one, I guess...but, it isn't the big problem." She felt like if anyone would understand her, it'd be Nao. "I don't really know how to say it. Even if I did, who would believe me?" It didn't stop the fear though. Knowing that Nao would probably cackle and fall off of her seat laughing. In Natsuki's mind, that was the best way it could go. The worst was unimaginable.

"I guess that depends on what you've gotta say." Nao didn't seem enthused with Natsuki, though she really did want to know. Her friend had been hiding things all of her life, and for the most part, Nao didn't care. Whatever this was though, it was big...and Natsuki was careful to guard it. It was like a skeleton hidden deep within the closet, and Nao wanted to know for herself. "You can try me, if you want. Though I doubt it'll matter much."

Natsuki could see it. Nao pretending to act cool and calm. Mai would have been on the edge of her seat by now, begging to be told. Nao was smooth though, she didn't work that way. She had better methods of finding out answers. For a moment, she actually considered blurting it out, but then, she told herself it wasn't such a good idea. "Don't worry about it." Natsuki shook her head. "That kind of thing only needs to be told to whoever I'm dating. I've go no one in my life like that, so I don't really need to say it." Pulling a twenty out of her pocket, she placed the crinkled bill on the table. Her share of the food money. "Next time you order a few pizzas, make sure you ask Mai if she can make one first."

"Yeah, yeah." Nao grumbled. "I told you she was busy tonight. That's why she couldn't."

Natsuki nodded, and they said goodnight. It was still early enough that most of the students would likely be in the common rooms. At least, Natsuki knew she would be. She thought it would be tempting to turn on her game, and see if anyone else was logged in. If the students were anything like her, they were probably cracking into one of the internet lines. That's what Natsuki had done, after all. Almost all of the students did it at one point or another.

Natsuki thought it to be a stupid rule. Miss Maria hated the internet and didn't allow it in the dorm rooms. It was a haven for many, Natsuki included. The only thing that stopped her from wanting to play was Shizuru. The woman was likely sitting in an armchair drinking tea, and reading. Natsuki didn't want another run in. She also wasn't fond on the idea that someone might be watching her clicking buttons on a controller or cursing every few minuets when things didn't go as planned.

It was a cool, but beautiful night outside.

Natsuki walked along a path that lead into the gardens. It wasn't that she loved nature, but she didn't hate it either. The flowerbeds were well kept, the pavement swept of any debris, and the water in the fountain sparkled, crystal clear. When she was younger, she enjoyed strolls at night with Mai every now and then. Either that, or she'd trample the beds alongside Nao, for a lack of anything better to do. She chuckled to herself, memories pouring in, and she didn't want to stop them.

It was lonely back then, and nights would go on forever sometimes. The sky was so endless, the trees that loomed over her seemed dangerous. She could remember the fear of being caught outside of her dorm, something that didn't happen nearly as much as it should have. Now, she was free to walk around at night without fear. She had passed by a few teachers gossiping, talking about their workloads no doubt, but Natsuki didn't really care. She wanted to be someplace different. It was a spot she loved. A small little seating area right in the middle of the gardens. It was by the rosebuds, hidden, and away from the general path. How long had it been? A year was simple frame of time.

It was easy to explain.

What everyone went through, well, that was very much different. The days had edged on, and in the end of everything, a year was longer than anyone would want to admit. She could almost hear Mai's laughter, Nao's swearing, Chie's badgering, and Aoi's melodic voice. It was like the wind held on to those fond memories. Natsuki could almost see them, as if they were a mirage. There were others too. People she hadn't been close with, but that still bogged down her day. Haruka often fought with Nao, she hated the younger girl. Yukino and Aoi were really close friends, they'd spent a lot of time together. Then there was Anh, 'The royal pain in everyone's ass...' it was a bitter thought, that made Natsuki frown.

Natsuki sighed as she remember everything they'd gone through. The tangled web that wouldn't ever go away. Natsuki hadn't forgotten anything from back then. Secretly, she held it deeply within her heart. It was all she had left anymore. At least, that's what she'd thought. It was so close, and yet, so far away at the same time. She didn't want to dig everything back up. It would end badly, perhaps even more painful than she could expect. She felt like her life was muddled and blurry. Time had passed blankly. Somewhere in the middle of her worries, she forgot about most of her other problems.

It troubled Natsuki, how happy Shizuru had been in those fleeting days, back when nothing else really mattered. As long as their little group was happy. 'Was I the same?' It was a question Natsuki couldn't answer. if things were so simple, why hadn't she noticed the small things, the tiny differences?

She didn't know.

Chapter 12

It was her false bravado that got her into trouble. Natsuki knew it was one of her biggest weaknesses. Still, for whatever reason, and she was still unsure, she found her mind unable to turn off. She couldn't find any sort of peace when she returned to her room. She was beyond tired, and perhaps, mildly influenced by Nao's earlier pep-talk. Either way, Natsuki knew one thing.

She wanted answers, or, more directly, a single answer.

Shizuru was a master at the game of evading the answers others wanted. Natsuki found herself defiantly sitting in an armchair across from Shizuru. "Look, you're the one who always wants to talk, now that I wanna, you're blowing me off." She almost wanted a good fight, but apart of her wanted something else too. "One standoff, that's all you're going to get from me, Shizuru. After that, I'm going to wash my hands of you, if that's what I have to do."

The thick tome closed with a muted thud as Shizuru sighed in defeat. "I don't see what could be so utterly important this late at night." She placed her book on the table in front of them, studying Natsuki closely. "We could talk over breakfast perhaps?" The girl had dark circles under her eyes, and she smelt strongly of liquor. She knew Natsuki enjoyed drinking with her friends, and hadn't ever made a complaint about it. "If you are indeed as inebriated as you appear, we should save this discussion for a later time anyway."

"I'm not waiting." Natsuki looked like a child when she crossed her arms. "I'm not drunk either. I was just hanging out with Nao, that's all. You know we don't do things like we used too." Natsuki had to admit though, she was a bit more loose lipped than normal. "It has to be now. I know you don't get it, but that's the entire damned problem. You'll never understand unless it is now." Natsuki knew she wasn't making sense, but her words felt right to her, and that was enough.

"I don't have all night, and I'm not going to skirt around you anymore." It was the way Shizuru studied her that made her wonder about everything. "I'm tired of this, of you always being so annoying." Those eyes, filled with desires Natsuki had only vaguely felt herself, and even then, it hadn't ever been so strong. "I need to know why you aren't with Anh. It sounds stupid to you, but I need to know, damn it!"

"This isn't a good time." It never would be. There would never be a perfect time, or a right way to word things. Shizuru thought that a simple answer could be enough. If she were lucky, she could get away again. Then just like Haruka, Natsuki would drop everything, simply letting it go. "Just like back then, it wasn't a good time for you to be in a relationship with anyone, it also wasn't any time for me to do the same."

"Then why did you sleep with her?" Natsuki interjected quickly. Her words filled with more fire than she wanted. "Why play with her feelings, or mine?"

"I didn't sleep with her." Shizuru fired back calmly, but just as quickly. "I told you before, there were lines we simply couldn't cross." As she stood up from her seat, she became all the more intimidating. Blood red eyes gazing deeply at what had been a warm cup of tea, now cold and useless. She just wanted to revert, it would be so much easier than this.

"That isn't good enough, Shizuru." Natsuki watched as the older woman poured the tea down the drain. The kitchen sink almost like the finality in everything. As if pouring the tea was releasing resolve. "I didn't dare cross lines with you either, but there are things you want to know too, right? Then give me my answers first. It's a fair trade." That's why Natsuki wanted to be loose. She wanted to set free her normally tied tongue. Beer was the only way she knew how. Indecent, perhaps, but highly effective.

"How do I know you'll keep up your end of things?" Shizuru asked, her eyes shimmering in concern. "It could be that you are lying."

"It could also be that you're reading into crap that you shouldn't be." A low blow, but true. Natsuki sighed, shaking her head to calm her nerves, and though she hid it well, her hands were shaking. She really didn't want to let go of anything, but Shizuru was taking the bait. "You know I'll keep my word." Even if that word would damn her into hell for all eternity, at least she could be rid of the guilt. She could be done with every petty squabble. Shizuru may end up hating her, but it would be better than the questions, the barely there truths among the continuous lies. "I have more to lose than you. My secrets are better kept than yours are."

Shizuru nodded. Natsuki was always honest, even when that got her into never ending trouble. She would do anything honestly, even cussing someone out, if she felt it was the right thing to do. With a relenting sigh, she sat back down in her armchair, regarding Natsuki for a moment. "Even if we could cross them, I wouldn't owe you any explanation...because I had slept with her, I would be with Anh. Standing at her side, and not here, playing to the tune of my father. Surely you know this well." Shizuru's eyes found Natsuki's. That pained look that would only appear for a moment. Then, Natsuki would become unreadable again. Shizuru hated that feeling, knowing that she was being searched.

Natsuki had always been inquisitive, determined to find answers for whatever she wanted to know. Sometimes, she damned the consequences just to seek things out. "You agreed to Anh's proposal." Natsuki reminded Shizuru darkly. It was then, that the tawny haired woman realized, that this would be one of those moments. Natsuki wouldn't wait a lifetime for answers, but she would gamble everything in the world, if she knew she had a shot at finding out. It was a risky game Natsuki was playing, they both knew it, but it was the conviction that struck Shizuru the hardest. The anger, and sorrow behind the words. "You were going to marry her, Shizuru. So what the hell happened to change that?!"

Her scream was strangled at best, as if Natsuki was fighting herself most of all.

"Many things happened." Shizuru licked her drying lips, dazed at her own answer. "I doubt I would know where to begin. Even then, I tried my hardest to forgive, and let go of everything. I would advise that you do the same. There will be no solace in the answers I have, even if I do give them to you."

"Her dad was in it for the connection." Natsuki told Shizuru, already ahead of the game. Everyone knew that man hadn't cared one bit about the details. "But I don't give a rat's ass about him. I want to know what happened to make you and Anh break up. Why force me to be your damned rebound? I bet you don't even care about the damage you did."

She did care, more than anyone could fathom. "Anh and I would never be in a happy marriage."

"Yeah... I got that much." Natsuki could see the game, but she wasn't going to play it. "I'm asking you why. Come on, be honest with me, or I swear I'll walk out that door and I'll shag Nao the first chance I get. See how you like being the broken toy. Nao won't give a damn, but you sure as hell would."

"That's petty Natsuki, saying things like that." It was hurting Natsuki more though, and Shizuru couldn't figure out why. "You would like to know that badly, then I suppose I'll give you that, at least." She pulled off the glasses that she felt would hide her eyes. She could feel the salty burn of tears, although she'd held them back. The emotion didn't seep into her voice.

Instead, it became void of anything but the truth. "She played into her father's hands, perhaps, but we all do. No one could blame her for following his orders, not even me. Anh was a very dear friend to me, and still is, even now. The fact is, Anh wasn't ready to settle down. She will always be such a free spirit, I'm quite a bit more possessive. Knowing that she wanted to be intimate with others made me jealous. It didn't stop us from trying, though in the end, she couldn't possibly deflower me. It hurt knowing that, she was my betrothed, after all. We knew then that it wouldn't work." Shizuru sighed heavily, that particular pain of rejection flowing back into her veins. "That is why, I can tell you most honestly, that I didn't have any form of sex with Anh. She wouldn't touch me, she refused every advance I made."

"The fact is, you still tried to make them." Natsuki said softly.

"I can't deny the facts, that is what you wanted, correct?" Shizuru longed for affection, and Anh had been there, her arms wide open. It wouldn't have been the same though, and Shizuru knew that. "Anh was more or less a safe bet. Even if she'd had mistresses on the side, she wouldn't have left me. She forced me away, she knew I wanted more than that in my life." Anh was honestly a good friend, despite the pain she caused. Shizuru had to respect the honestly, even if the memory still haunted her. "I would have settled, but Anh knew I could never truly be happy. It wasn't what I wanted."

"So you wanted to toy around with everyone that had an eye for you?" Natsuki bit out, she hadn't wanted to hear this. These answers weren't what she had been expecting. It confused her even more now, conclusions forming unabashed. "You had fans that would swoon over every little move you made, and hell, you actually kissed one of them. Never mind the rest of the student body, and Haruka, lets not forget Haruka-"

"Was already promised to Yukino!" Shizuru interrupted harshly, her voice louder than she had wanted it to be. "Haruka and Yukino were arranged to be wed before I had any say in that matter. It was a precaution their parents had planned, if they did happen to be gay, things were arranged. Luck turns out that they were. End of that story."

"No, it isn't." Natsuki snarled, wondering how Shizuru could write things off so easily. "Haruka cared about you. Even if it was just as a friend, she pushed you like no one else could, and you just left her in the dust. She fell behind in class over you, she got into fist fights in your name! Hell so did Nao and I! You had friends Shizuru, real ones, that liked you for who you were. If you were hurting so damn bad, why didn't you come to us? Why not go to Haruka?"

"You do not understand." Shizuru declared, her words almost like venom for a moment. "If Haruka had decided she liked boys, she would have been married to Reito, the Kanzaki heir. I was also arranged to be married with many young men over the years, none of them appealed to me." Shizuru had admitted that she was gay, and her family accepted it. It was a godsend in and of itself.

She couldn't deny them, couldn't possibly tell them she hated the idea. "There wasn't any young woman my age that would be a proper suitor, so my father was at a loss. Anh was a lucky break for everyone, myself included. In our world it is expected. I just happen to have a very lenient father, he doesn't force such laws on me. My fans may have been shallow, but they had status. Many of them would have made my father happy." It was her burden. That's what Shizuru had told herself. That, and her heart had ached so much, she didn't have the clarity to seek out those she truly loved.

"You mean to tell me you were searching for a lover?" Natsuki wanted to snap, but she held it back, the shock in her voice was enough. "You were acting like a damned swagger around the campus, Shizuru. What the hell were you looking for? Why would you act like that?" That wasn't the real question, and they both knew it. Natsuki wasn't willing to relent though, and she knew that Shizuru was grateful not to be pushed. It was cowardly, but they both felt the need of a reprieve. "Who goes around looking for a marriage proposal like that anyway? That's just stupid."

It was her chance for air. She could walk out of this for now, and Natsuki would let her. Now though, with the pain in Natsuki's eyes, the way her shoulders slumped heavily, the way her hands grasped at the cloth of her jeans, Shizuru couldn't stop now. She couldn't let the agony continue. "I was looking for passion." Shizuru told Natsuki slowly, she went towards the woman before her. "I wanted to feel something, anything deep enough that I wouldn't be able to get out of."

She knelt down, and placed her fingers onto Natsuki's cheek, realizing for the first time, that Natsuki was trembling. "Every time I would get close to people, they'd accept my advances. You were the only person ever to deny me. You always treated me kindly, but never let me get near you. It was different than what Anh did. Your intentions were pure, but I could see that you wavered every time you told me you weren't interested."

Natsuki didn't speak, but she did pull away from Shizuru. Her eyes of liquid emerald burning, her cheeks tinting the light shade of pink as her breath became short and shallow. "You wanted me, Natsuki, I could tell. I was unsure at first, if I made you uncomfortable, or if I was seeing a deeper connection. Yet, there were times, just like now, that I had been sure of what I saw in your eyes." Shizuru's voice was a barely there whisper. "You are different from everyone else, your emotions shine, just like your eyes." She leaned in close again, her breath mingling with Natsuki's.

Crimson eyes were hooded as soon as she smelled the sweat musk of Natsuki's skin. She could see Natsuki gulp quietly as she dared not move an inch. "I could read everyone else, I could play into their little tricks without fail. You though, you are a far different game, and the rules are more complicated. You're deep, so much so, sometimes I'd felt as if I would drown, but that too, is part of what I seek." Slowly, she licked her lips, her prize before her. "I want you Natsuki, all of you, even if you do have secrets, I want those too."

Her fingers trailed down Natsuki's neck before she clutched at the collar of Natsuki's shirt in a white knuckled grip. She pulled Natsuki close, their lips meeting as Shizuru ran her hands back up Natsuki's neck and into midnight tresses. Her body burned she she felt Natsuki place her hands firmly on her shoulders, as if trying to hold her at length, so that she wouldn't get any closer. Still, she didn't reject the kiss, and that made Shizuru's heart sing.

It ended quickly though, faster than Shizuru had wanted it too. "That's all I can tell you, Natsuki. The rest isn't mine to tell."

The woman of midnight tresses nodded, her words lost for the moment. Her bravado was gone, and yet, she knew Shizuru was waiting for something, a confession perhaps, but that hadn't been Natsuki plight. "I don't know how to say this, so give me a bit of time here. It isn't something I can just say. Words, well it wouldn't do my truth justice, and you wouldn't believe me anyway."

"Then how do you intend to keep up your end of the bargain?" Shizuru raised her eyebrow, as if she wondered what Natsuki was doing, but there was a very real fear in Natsuki's eyes. Her words a shaken chorus of true and honest fear. It made Shizuru's heart stop, and for not the first time, her mind scrambled, trying to grasp at anything that could give her even the tiniest hint.

Chapter 13  
(POV, Shizuru)

Love is something that can't be bought, no matter how much money you have. To be gifted just a momentary show of affection, would be worth more to me, than my entire fortune. My parents were lucky to have the freedom to choose who they wished. My father a kind man at heart, used the same ideal when he raised me. That happiness can't come from the money you earn, but perhaps, if you are lucky, your wealth can give you other things.

A comfort of sorts, perhaps, a small security.

He raised me to understand the difference between a marriage of convenience, like many in my family had done, and a union of love. My mother did her best to instill both strict morals, and a sense of self worth. I was told often that to marry purely for those around me, to pick status over bliss, is to lower that worth. To lower my personal value, to throw away my beliefs. It was impressed upon me, that there is of course, a balance to everything, and sometimes you can't ever win.

I like to think I live by these laws.

Most of the time, I stick to my tasks and do them without any issues. Father is always proud of me, and my mother supports my whimsical soul. She allows for my perpetual dreams that will likely never come true. They both wish that my happiness comes before all else, the company could more or less be damned, it would not be father who suffers. He knows this well.

Still, to shame my family is something I can't possibly do...not in good nature at any rate.

Anh was a fleeting lesson, as I've come to understand it. She is, and will forever be, a rather comfortable acquaintance. She will be near and dear in my heart for as long as I live. Her place is one that can't be explained away, words would never do. The feelings are for me alone. The way her kiss didn't demand a thing of me, as if she worried for my feelings. Her touch, always platonic, even when I pressed her for advances. It may even be in the way she said my name, simple, yet elegant. She was a formal woman, with a bit of mischief, I liked that about her. I believe that is the key. I liked her, perhaps, I found her attractive, but, could I love her?

No, I doubt that I could.

My eyes have always been on Natsuki. She is a commoner, not that I mind. However, it does make for a big deal in other ways. The ruckus it could stir would bring trouble for my father. He would have problems enough already, without Natsuki's particular bloodline. My father views the wealthy in a rather obscure way, although there is one thing he believes strongly. Only those who are indeed most insecure about their place in the system, worry about lineage and bloodline. It is a factor though, no one, not even I, can deny that.

It will be difficult enough to explain that his darling daughter will not bear offspring. It will be hard to face the many people who oppose such a life, calling it blasphemy, or worse. There was no way I could have thought her to be a proper suitor along with all of that. It would be hardest on Natsuki most of all. She would have to aspire to be in such a position, with the eyes of the upper class looking down on her. It isn't a life many would want, at least not if they understood what it really meant.

With a hint of regret, I accepted Anh's proposal, being the logical woman that I was raised to be. The reality is, my mask is not so thick for a person such as Anh, who can read me like an open book. She could see my heart, what it truly wished. My longing was clear, she knew she could never be the one for me. Our marriage would be political at best, at worst, no one would really mind, and we would be unhappy.

I should thank her, for all that she has done for me. It is with her kindness, her soft and gentile encouragement, that I feel the way I do. That I can step away from the limelight if I must. If it will make me truly happy, I doubt my family will mind. It took my breakup with Anh to discover that. It was painful, apart of it still is, I guess. A rejection, even if done kindly, is still a refusal. I should be thankful, there are many who are unfortunate, they don't often get a choice.

I am truly free to love whom I wish, father and mother will never cast me aside. That is why I decided to return to the place that harbored my best and worst years of life. My heart is fearful, yet again of rejection. My soul blindly begging for solace. I struggle day after day, hoping I made the correct choice for myself. It may be selfish, but it is human nature, and I won't feel badly for it.

My mother told me to seek out my dreams, to find something, and never let go.

I'm not sure about my goals, they may possibly change in the future, but now I know my heart will not. Seeing Natsuki as I have, I still see the spark that attracted my attention in the first place. It became embers, and now, it is a roaring fire. I need her now, as my warmth and solace. She could burn me with her anger though, and that is my fear. What does she protect, why does she hide? There are never enough clues, but always new questions. I've pondered them surely, but Natsuki, she isn't the type to speak until she's ready.

To capture her soul, to make it one with my own...that is my dream. I could never ask for anything more than that.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I just wanted to thank you for all of your support. I hope you enjoy this update. It was a bit difficult to get the emotions the way I could see them happening in reality. So, please, enjoy. To ease the worries of some readers, I will say this. Shizuru's story is always much deeper than it appears, because that is who Shizuru is, no matter her incarnation. I've brought that element here, into this fiction, her story has barely begun. As with all of the characters.
> 
> Also, in the coming weeks (Likely, the first week of October) I will be posting the first chapter of a request fiction, so keep your eyes out for it. Plenty of Shiz/Nat goodness there too, I assure you. Also a darker one-shot that has already been posted in other places, will find it's way onto this account after I fix it for the umpteenth time. Keep your eyes pealed, you may find something you love.
> 
> Anyway, on with the fiction.
> 
> A/N:#2: MORE EDITS!

Chapter 14  
(POV, Maria Graceburt.)

Shizuru was, and will forever be, someone who commands people with each and every breath.

She is, by far, one of the most charismatic people I've ever had the chance to meet. That, coupled with her upbringing, made her one of the best students ever to grace the halls of Garderobe. In her youngest years, weather Shizuru noticed it or not, other students had their eye on her. All she would have to do, would be simply pick up a crayon and color, and others would also do the wanted to be her, and befriend her...the little ones put on airs before they even knew why they should.

It was the type of things an outside observer noticed more than anything. Her teachers would come to me with concern, and I had no answers in which to give them. Shizuru, just like many with such a family name, was doomed to begin with.

The world is a cruel place. We often forget that there are indeed people who will return to our sides. It is simply the way it is. These girls are groomed into fine young ladies, as soon as they enter the protection within these walls, that is their fate. I'd like to think that Shizuru relied on others, that she was not just another pretty face. I know that deception causes pain for all involved, but no one more so than the deceiver herself. Alas, much to my great fear, Shizuru had no one in which she could really trust.

At least, that was how it appeared, underneath the surface.

Shizuru, Haruka, and Yukino had an unbreakable shell for a few years. Unless you knew them all, you knew nothing about any of them. Shizuru's mask was the most deceptive, but Haruka too, was a quite more cunning than I would have liked to believe. The flaw they happened to share, the common bond that allowed me to see through everything, was the mousy somewhat shy girl, Yukino. She told the truth, did as she was told, but unlike the other two, she was a wallflower. She relied on Haruka more than she should have, but Haruka's doting didn't slip by unnoticed. Shizuru protected them, her dear friends, by taking the limelight for herself.

The action was not to be rude, nor was it to be selfish.

Yukino didn't want attention, and Haruka did her best never to upset the girl. The three of them come from a very powerful source, one that ensures that this school has funding, among other things. Although it is my job title, these girls were also privileged. Direct orders from the headmaster allowed them to be so. I was told to overlook simple rules such as curfew, cleaning duties, and other odds and ends. I was not at all happy with the idea, but I did as I was ordered. Two truths came forth when I became aloof, watching from afar. The first one, was that no matter how strong they seemed, they were all little girls, afraid of the greater future.

The second was a bit...concerning.

Shizuru wasn't the type to get near many, but as she grew older, something within her changed. Now, you see, there are some students that need more than my guiding hand. They require more emotional attention than others. Natsuki, was one such student when she arrived. The two of them normally left each other well enough alone. In younger years, they would cross paths, but leave it at that. As they grew older, something, although I'm not completely sure what, changed.

Why did the charismatic and refined Shizuru, choose to spend her day with the trouble makers? It made matters even more unorthodox, Natsuki wasn't exactly your average teen.

Love was not in the air, as one might expect. However, nor was it far away, unattainable. It seemed to linger, like a mist. A fog that would cover the land in front of them. I myself, remember such days when I dreamed of romance. There isn't a soul who doesn't seek to find something. For many, they wish deeply to find someone else, someone who'll love them, without conditions. I tried the best I could to refine the reality in which I lived. These girls needed me, but no one more so, than Natsuki. I gave her particular privileges as well, as she grew older.

I'd like to think, that of she had grown up in a normal household, with a loving family, they would have done the same.

At first, it was small. An extra desert at lunch, an hour or so more to play games after curfew. It wasn't hurting anyone, but it was lifting Natsuki spirits, my entire goal at the time. Then I began to allow freedoms that everyone else had, but she did not. Due to Natsuki's situation, she was not allowed to share a room with anyone. I agreed with the sentiment. Yet, oddly enough, I turned the other cheek when she decided to host slumber parties in her room. Although, you can be sure I passed by often, to be sure there were no nefarious activities.

I found myself unable to scold her when I found her out late at night. Although, I did scold her when she went on her little tirades through the school. I tried my best with these girls, to help them become proper young ladies...or in Natsuki's case, at least a stable adult.

There was a darkness in that, something that gave me guilt. These girls would get hurt. All of them. They would grow up sooner than they should. I assumed it was for the best, and the worst.

On Shizuru's graduation day, she left the walls that had given her a home. I watched then, as a normally strong willed and brazen Natsuki, fell to her knees and cried. I couldn't do anything for her, try though as I might. For a solid month, perhaps a bit longer, Natsuki wouldn't leave her room. I would fetch her homework, and tutor her on the side. Mai would bring food, Chie and Aoi would visit every day. Nao would stay the night, often trying to provoke her friend into some sort of action.

Natsuki's recovery was almost instant when it finally happened, an epiphany occurring, it seemed...now though, I know well of the truth.

Natsuki hadn't let go of her emotions, and her love was still there, running deeply through her vines. Natsuki once asked me, why I would set her up for failure. I didn't have an answer, I didn't really think of why I let her stay, knowing the pain she'd endured. If I were to read into it, the best I could say, would be a cop-out. I allowed her to stay, because she would stay. Natsuki would not have left, even if I pushed her out of the doors myself. Her heart, for at least some time, would remain in Garderobe. It is my job to look after the students, however, Natsuki is also my burden.

I wished that she and her father would move on from those darker days. He did, surely, however his life won't include her. It never will. This life has always been Natsuki's, just as it is mine. I am growing older in my years, and there will come a day when I will be like my headmistress, unable to do much. Hopeless, and awaiting my turn to die. When that happens, even if it is far from now, I wish to have someone in my place. Someone, with the ability to nurture those around them. Natsuki may be brash, angry on the best of days. However, she is also warm, and filled with love. She could have a home here, for the rest of her life, and I guess, I wanted to be the one, who offered her such a place.

I wanted to be the parent that she never had, just as Natsuki was the child I was never given.

Chapter 15

How could she keep her end of the bargain? She licked her lips, unable to think of anything. The table, one made of glass, was like a mirror, she could see her own masked fright quite well. She was partly speechless, but also, a sense of duty fell upon her. She knew what Shizuru was thinking. That it was something explainable, something Natsuki could just blurt out and be done with it. It wasn't the case, it wasn't ever going to be so simple.

Natsuki rattled her mind, searching for a way to come up with something, anything. There was only once choice, and she didn't like the implications.

Natsuki had sat motionless time ticking slowly. Her breath came out in small worried puffs, her mind frantic for a way to explain herself. "How can I possibly begin." Natsuki trembled, her eyes meeting Shizuru's only briefly. "The thing is, Shizuru, it isn't exactly something I can just say. My whole life, it just can't be explained away in one night, and there's no way you can expect it." Natsuki sighed, a feeling of defeat weighing heavily on her shoulders. "That said, I'm going into my room. If you really want to know what I'm hiding so badly, wait a few, and then come in. I promise, you'll have your answer."

Shizuru's brows furrowed, confused. "Can't we just stay out here?" Her lips tightening into a thin line for not the first time that night, and surely not the last. "Why go into your bedroom of all the places?"

"You'll have to trust me, Shizuru." Natsuki told her standing up with shaky legs. "It's the least you can do. Just, trust me." The truth was, Natsuki didn't think she'd have the resolve to go through with things. It was the only way she could think of to force herself. Her door seemed like a finality when it closed behind her, and she set to work stripping down out of her clothes.

Natsuki was a very sexually aware person, and as a teen, there hadn't been anyone she could open up to. She could only dream about romance. Someone who cared enough about her to give themselves unconditionally. She wished to be able to do the same. Lustful thoughts were merely that, and she knew she'd always be on her own. She hated the thought, and fought against it her entire life. Out of dire need to fit in, she had to come off as womanly as possible. In order to do that, Natsuki had taken up tucking early in her teen years.

Her body wasn't bulky, and she wasn't overly masculine, so she didn't find it very difficult. Still though, in some aspects, she was very much a man, and her fears of being caught only got stronger as she grew older. How many times had she filled her own voids, fantasies apart of who she was, her only solace on a lonely night...she didn't know that answer. Still, as she released herself from tight pantyhose, throwing away her tape, she felt giddy, and also, nearly ill. Her stomach bubbled, her idea was poorly planned, and she knew it. Even as she looked down, the world seemed lonelier by the second.

She put on a pair of boxers, and fished out a sleeveless shirt before sitting on her bed, putting her hands to her face. To find any reason to continue would be futile, but Shizuru would enter soon, and there wasn't going to be an escape. She knew with full certainty, one way or another, the woman outside would find out. Even if she tried to run away, she would expose herself now.

That irked her.

On her nightstand she found her normal nightly routine sitting there, glaring her in the face, and without hesitation, she shoved all of it into the drawer. Her books could amuse her later, when she needed to get her mind off of the horrible night she was about to have. She feared Shizuru thinking she was a pervert, but Natsuki was merely human. She felt the passion from earlier, and heat was making her blood boil. It was a feeling that when encouraged to continue, brought her to some of the best highs of her life...the aftermath, the reality of being alone, took her deep into all time lows.

She didn't have as much time to dwell as she thought she would. A tentative knock from the door made Natsuki realize her time for stalling was up. The door opened slowly, Shizuru standing there, looking worried. "Natsuki, I don't understand." It was the first time she'd ever seen Natsuki's bedroom. Some of Natsuki friends went in and out like a revolving door, but Shizuru hadn't ever been allowed. There were posters on the walls, a few photos, a stack of biker magazines, it all looked normal. A bit unladylike perhaps, but for some reason, the scene suited the younger girl. "Come on, you can tell me." She said softly, although Natsuki refused to look at her.

"I don't want to hide from you." Natsuki said, her hands in her lap as she looked at the floor. "I don't want you to judge me either, cause we both know I talk out of my ass half the time." The low exhale of breath was shaken. "It can't be like that, not this time." Natsuki pat the side of the bed, but she refused to make eye contact. That made Shizuru even more tense. "So, because of that, I can't say it."

Shizuru sat down near her. Crimson eyes waiting, the questions flowing through them like an open door. Cool, collected, but always very sharp. Natsuki could only think of this one solution. "Give me your hand." Natsuki's voice was firm, startlingly so. It was forced, perhaps, but Shizuru complied. "Please, forgive me." Natsuki whispered, taking Shizuru's porcelain hand in hers, relishing the warmth that she feared may be gone sooner than expected. "This is the only way I know how to explain it." Seconds seemed forever, and yet fleeting as she trailed Shizuru's hand down her body, resting it gently on top of her blue silk boxers. "I'm sorry." She said, the pressure she put giving Shizuru the answer.

The shriek was awful, as the the woman of fawn ripped her hand away...

Nearly silent terror soon followed. "Oh my god..." The exclamation was hardly loud. She could barely find her voice. "You're a man?" Somehow, Shizuru knew that wasn't right. Yet, it was the only thing she could think of. Her mind was a flurry, nothing made sense. Natsuki looked like a woman. "Was that a-" She couldn't say it...hell, she was barely thinking it. "How?" That was the first thing that came into her mind.. "A-and why?" She was shocked, and yet, she couldn't bring herself to be angry. "That was...that was-" For once, she was awestruck, unable to form anything coherent.

"I'm sorry." Natsuki told her again, her voice weaker than before. "Don't hate me." She began backing away from Shizuru, her eyes fighting back the tears that were threatening to fall. Her bed thankfully, was near a corner of the wall, and she wasted no time pressing into it as far as she could go. "Please, don't hate me." She could feel Shizuru staring at her, as if she were some horrible abomination, a freak of nature in a sense. She couldn't blame her. "I didn't mean it." She started crying, the one person in her life she couldn't handle rejection from, and Shizuru had recoiled. "I didn't ask to be like this." She had just been denied warmth, her comfort lost.

Shizuru wasn't any better off. Her perception of Natsuki shattered within that instant. It was like her entire world fell apart. Yet, for some reason, she didn't hate her. Crimson eyes watched as the younger woman began curling into herself, trying to form the smallest possible ball she could. "Natsuki..." There had been a time when that name was beautiful and delicate when it fell from Shizuru's lips. Others, it had been spat like venom. Never though, in Natsuki's time of knowing Shizuru, had her name sounded so lost. As if it were something unknown, an enigma no one could begin to understand.

Shizuru studied her, unsure of how to react.

Her heart made the choice though, as she slowly got near the sobbing woman. "I'm not angry." Softly, she called to the girl. "Look at me." She didn't know what to do. She knew, that if it had been any other time before tonight, had Natsuki ever began to cry, she'd comfort her. She'd try to hold her near. Secretly at one time, not even a few hours ago, she dreamed to get that close. "It's okay, Natsuki." Shizuru's fingers gently brushed her shoulders, and Natsuki crumpled into herself more, shaking violently. "It's okay."

It wasn't though, Shizuru knew that.

She'd been expecting an entire slew of problems, but this hadn't been one of them. Shizuru had braced herself to hear some sort of horrendous story, something that could be fixed, something amendable. This was a finality. Perhaps not a bad one, but still one, none the less. No matter what she could say to Natsuki, Shizuru knew in the end, no words would make things better. Nothing would save Natsuki from the years of torturing herself. The damage had already been done, she could see that now.

Everything made sense. Her anger, her jealousy, hiding away from the most platonic of touches. Even the track suit made all the more sense, the swim trunks too. Natsuki opted out of many gym classes, especially when she was younger...everything...this explained it.

Shizuru's sigh was soft as she shook her head. She should have known. It was glaringly obvious now, why Natsuki had gotten all of the privileges one could wish for. Her arms went around Natsuki, pulling the girl into her embrace. Even when her thigh was greeted with the truth again, she didn't let Natsuki go. In fact, she held on tighter. "Natsuki, is still Natsuki." Shizuru told her. It was a halfhearted statement. One filled with insecurities. How much of Natsuki's life had been the truth, what parts were lies? She didn't know. "I'm right here, I haven't gone anywhere." The wall had crumbled. "I'm right here." Now, the torrent of emotions wouldn't stop. She didn't mind though.

That's what worried Shizuru the most. Her own feelings, though shocked, hadn't changed. The love she felt, the need to be near Natsuki, hadn't gone away. It hadn't gotten weaker either. Shizuru supposed that should have been comforting, but for some odd reason, it wasn't. It was also like a burden, one she couldn't figure out. Her entire life, she's always known everything, always been careful and calculating. She was often the manipulator, but right now, she felt like the victim. She grew tired as Natsuki's sobs began to die down, the emotional weight now upon her. She wondered how Natsuki had carried it for so long, had held it so protected, without falling apart.

She didn't have the heart to ask though, hoping Natsuki would get the implications soon enough. Shizuru couldn't deny wondering, her mind playing with ideas. The warmth pressing into her thigh wasn't fake, and it wasn't soft and velvety. It was there, a glaring reminder that Natsuki wasn't like everyone else. Natsuki has always been different, anyone could see that, but this, it was an entirely new level. "Can you look at me?" Natsuki still hadn't made eye contact. She was still protecting herself, waiting for the cold lonely night to creep in. Shizuru knew those nights well. She'd shared many of them with Anh, but none of them were like this.

This broken wall, tattered bits, Shizuru hadn't ever been the stronger one.

It wasn't ever her responsibility, Anh protected her, like a white and valiant knight. Her hands were soft, though they were cold. Natsuki's face, that was burning up. The tears had began to dry, but the fear was still there. Shizuru felt trapped in that gaze, filled with longing, and something else. Something painfully hidden. Natsuki's cheeks were a shade of pink Shizuru didn't like, tear stained, the blushing ashamed. Even as Natsuki's chin perched in her palm, as Shizuru stared at her. "I don't hate you." She breathed, a small tinge of desire lacing her voice. "I love you."

"You're a lesbian." Natsuki told her finally. "You can't." That had always been a small part of her jealousy. Anh was a woman, she had a place to belong. Natsuki knew she didn't, not really, not like all of her friends did. There wasn't any place for her, no warm arms, no love. Even now, she suspected Shizuru would end up leaving her, yet again, before anything could really start. "I'm not a woman, not like that."

"I know." Shizuru told her. Right now, she didn't. She couldn't decide anything. Was she a lesbian? By basic definition, she assumed she had been. Natsuki though, she wasn't definable. She didn't fit into something so easily. "I know what I am, or rather who I am." Lesbian was merely a label, Shizuru knew that. Yet it was a label that defined apart of herself, and she had been quite happy with it. She was pigheaded about it sometimes, saying she would never be with a man. Men in her upbringing had mistresses, they acted immortal, and had lives outside of the home. Her view may have been biased, but it was her own to have. "I also know that I love Natsuki. I don't know why, but I'd like to think that my love is true. That even after this, I know my love is real." She had the right to change that label, if that was what she wished.

Chapter 16

It took a while before Natsuki collected herself enough to say anything.

Half of it, she assumed, was because Shizuru was in her nightgown, under the covers, in bed. In her bed, cuddling near her. The action was simple, but Natsuki wasn't used to it. It was a compromise based on two facts. One, she didn't believe Shizuru would stay, and secondly she didn't want to be alone. Even when barely whispered, it was enough to make Shizuru decide to sleep near her. It was awkward at first, laying near a woman like Shizuru. She was voluptuous. If that hadn't been enough, Shizuru was intoxicating, just by merely being near, her melodious voice was seductive when hushed and quiet. While Shizuru relaxed, Natsuki remained as motionless as possible. Her breathing as steady as she could make it, her body in an internal debate.

"Natsuki is blushing, and I didn't do a thing." Shizuru told her, a mere observation, but she silently took amusement in it. "Perhaps, if I became playful, I may see Natsuki even more beautiful."

"Shut up." She growled. "It's just too damn hot in here, that's all." That really wasn't the issue at all, and Natsuki knew that Shizuru was well aware of it. "I should really open the window." Her arousal was very apparent, her boxers felt tighter than they should have.

"It really isn't that stifling in here." Shizuru suppressed a smirk. "I think you're just nervous."

"N-no, I'm not." Natsuki had done her best to keep herself in check, but to no avail. "I'm just hot, that's all."

"So you aren't bothered then?" Shizuru whispered heatedly, tickling Natsuki's ear. "Not even in the slightest? I'd doubt that."

"Shizuru!" Natsuki yelled, looking at the woman near her. "It isn't funny, so stop it."

"Alright, you don't have to yell." She wanted to make further jokes, there was so much she could comment on, but the girl before her was fragile. "I'll stop."

Shizuru didn't feel right either, and that made her shiver, realizing that she wasn't nearly as comfortable with all of this as she first thought. "It's normal, isn't it?" She knew it was. "I used to lay like this a lot with others, you know. We didn't do anything...but, during sleepovers, Haruka and I shared a bed a lot when we were little. So did Yukino, we really didn't have a personal space." It was bitter sweet, the memories that flowed through her mind just like a dream. "I remember thinking that it was the way things were supposed to be." Her eyes looked around the room, staring at the green lights of the alarm clock. "You..." Shizuru wasn't sure if she should say it, but her heart called out. "You never had that, did you?" She asked as she looked at Natsuki again, resting her head upon Natsuki's soft chest.

"No, I guess I didn't. Not like this, anyway." She had been staring at the ceiling, resting her head on her hands, her eyes stern as she frowned. "Why would I? I mean, everyone would crash in my room, cause it was well out of the way. Nao always said she belonged there, since it was her's first. I didn't mind it, when Nao stayed around, in fact, she and Chie were the only two who I even considered. I knew they would never fall in love with me, not for real anyway. I felt safe though, every time they stayed over." That was the nearest she had ever been to being held. "Even so, they stayed on the floor."

It didn't help that Shizuru was beautiful, and in her bed, her soft melodic voice playing a sultry tune. Her eyes captivated her, and Natsuki couldn't look away. "I'm sorry, Shizuru." Her mind played with thoughts, things Natsuki would never dare do. She wished to claim Shizuru for herself. It was a fantasy she'd had ever since that night. "I didn't mean for it to happen." She said.

Even if she knew it was a baser reaction, it didn't mean Shizuru felt completely alright with Natsuki stiffening member. She sighed deeply, her teasing was torturing both of them it seemed. "No, you can't blame yourself for it." It was gentle, yet firm. "Don't be ashamed either, it isn't like you asked for these things to happen." Shizuru remembered well the feelings this invoked within her. "I remembering feeling my heart soar the first time I'd ever had someone this close. Someone who felt more." The first night she'd shared a bed with Anh, it hadn't been like all the other nights with friends. They'd been alone, talking all night. Anh's voice soft and airy. Shizuru waited for the advances that never came. "It's funny, I'd been held all my life by many who loved me, but it wasn't the same as Anh." They may have spent all night talking, but even then, desire was thick in Shizuru mind. It was the first time she'd ever had anyone she loved near her like that. "It isn't the same now, either. You're in my place, and I am in hers."

They hadn't been ready to have sex back when they first started sharing a bed, that's what Anh said. Now, in reflection, Shizuru knew Anh was probably right. "It isn't just lust Natsuki, I know it isn't. You don't have to be bothered by it." The same held true now, even as she could feel Natsuki's arousal. It pressed into her stomach, an aching need. "We just aren't ready now, but that doesn't mean I don't want to be near you. I want to feel your emotions, all of them."

"Shizuru..." Natsuki whispered, looking at the worried woman, those eyes as soft as pools. "Don't say strange things like that, you'll make it worse."

"Do you want me to let you get up?" Shizuru chuckled, her eyebrow raised. Her normally strong front had cracks in it everywhere, and she knew it. If this had been any other time, she would have made inappropriate advances, practically begging Natsuki to ease her worries and fears. Also in return, trying to quell Natsuki's own. This was a different situation, and try though she might, she couldn't bring herself to do it. Part of it was kindness, she was sure. Shizuru was also afraid to push Natsuki away, so she held back most of her barbs.

"It won't work." Natsuki's tone changed then, drastically. As if the darkest night had been pulled over the both of them. "Will it, Shizuru?"

"So cryptic, I don't believe I understand." It was fake, the small giggle that escaped her lips. "Whatever do you mean?"

"Do you think for a moment someone like you, could ever stay with someone like me?" Doubt. It fell like rain from Natsuki's eyes and she bit her bottom lip. "I know you well enough to know...it won't happen. It just can't."

Shizuru sighed as she sat up, hovering over the girl below her. "You can't run headlong into everything, and you can't predict the future. So that said, why not just enjoy the time we have now? Why worry about the next day, or the day after that? There isn't any point." Her porcelain hand cupped Natsuki's cheek, and she smiled when Natsuki leaned into the warmth. "I can't promise what could happen, but for now, here I am. I'm not going anywhere."

Chapter 17  
(POV, Natsuki)

I was always alone, for as long as I could remember.

Even when I was with mom and dad, I felt lonely. There weren't many other kids on my block, and I was home schooled. I always felt that there was some sort of wall between me and everyone else. I wasn't like my mom, who was really beautiful and was good at everything she did. I wasn't like dad at all, I barely even looked like him. He was so strong, you know? I idolized them both. I wanted to be like them, both of them. I remember the days when the three of us would sit at the table, talking about everything under the sun. The family dog was under the table, eating the scraps we dropped. I gave him more than I should have.

Those days were not quite happy, but, I wouldn't say they were sad either.

Then, one day, dad came into my room with tears in his eyes. He hugged me, said he was sorry for everything. Then he told me my mom wasn't going to be coming home again. When I asked why, he just cried more. He held me close, and he whispered that she was gone, that mom couldn't ever come back. I knew right then, I would never see her smiling face again. We had been in an accident not long before, but I was okay, and dad said mom would be too. She wasn't as okay as he thought. It was the first time I'd ever seen him cry, I didn't know what to do, so I didn't do anything. I just sat there at the end of my bed, motionless as he hugged me.

Slowly, things changed.

Dad began to work more, so I was on my own. He couldn't afford the teachers, the private doctors, our bills...nothing. My dad was just small time compared to my mom. She loved him for his artistic abilities, his kindness, his willingness to help everyone around him. Dad was a stay at home man, well mostly. His job was at a small office, so it wasn't like he had a lot of money. It was mom who kept us stable. Without her around, dad and I were very different people. We fought a lot, and he tried to raise me. He told me, we didn't have the luxury to always be who we wanted to be, that one day, everyone had to conform. He tried to force me to be something that I wasn't.

A girl...I'm not just a girl...I'm not only a boy either...I'm just me...and dad, I know he tried.

I know, damn it! I just...he's such an idiot. Mom wouldn't have wanted that. I never knew my mom's side of the family. She'd always said they were sad, that they didn't know what happiness was. I guess, somewhere along the path, dad and I forgot that. We didn't watch television, or sing, or even play catch in the yard. Family movie night was a figment of my past, as he became lost in his work. Thinking back, I don't believe he knew any other way to cope. I was just a kid, what else was I supposed to do? I resented him, I still kinda do.

Dad remarried, and had a kid. That means I've got at least one sister out there, someplace. I wish her the best, but I can't go back there. I can't play house. He's her father, not mine...he let go of me. I guess he did it to move on, but leave me behind? I can't forgive him for that. I grew up in Garderobe alone. I had people around me, yeah. Some of them even cared. That didn't change the fact I was alone at night. It didn't offer me any warmth. I'd wake up with nightmares, and I'd cry, and I used to wonder where dad was.

Why wouldn't he come and get me, and bring me home? What did I do, to deserve this?...I'd think that kind of stuff a lot.

As years passed, I grew up, and so did my heart. It grew cold, I didn't want that for myself, but it was all I knew how to do. There would always be this invisible wall between me and everybody else. I was okay with it, not happy, but I was fine. I could live, breath, eat and sleep. I could turn on a game system, I could play all day and night, and eat mayo. I could do that, and I'd still be alive the next day. Was that really living though? Mai always told me it wasn't. She'd yell at me, and bring actual food. Nao would complain at me, telling me I was an idiot, and my life would go on that way.

But then...like a gentle breeze that only comes along once in a lifetime, she waltzed into my life. Shizuru viewed life differently. She always smiled, laughed, she was really living, with everything she could. She was almost like a goddess. It was like a reminder. Her eyes may have been blood red, but her tears were always clear as crystal. I don't know why, but when ever I'm with her, I don't feel alone. Even when we fight, it seems, almost natural. As if it should be that way. I don't know, maybe I'm just being stupid. Either way, I don't care.

Thank you everyone.

The bad things in life will get worse, and I know that. Sadness is apart of my life, and always will be. But if I could just wake up every day, and see your smiles, and pretend that I may not be alone after all, then could get through it. All the pain and sadness in my life...it could wash away, as long as you all were there. I do mean all of you, so, not even one of you can go.

Shizuru, I was okay before I met you. I could live on before I knew you...but now, I need you, and I can't go on without you. I don't know what that feeling is, it isn't just love. It's something else, and I can't put it into words, so don't ask me too. I may figure it out on my own one day, and be able to break the wall between us, the way it should be. Even if I can't, I know you won't force me, but still, Shizuru...

Just...stay by my side, no matter what.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hey guys, back with another installment. The support and excitement is really great, and I'm so glad to see it. I've been seeing a few requests for lemons, and yes, we'll play with them a bit, but not right now. It would be really weird for them to just start having sex after such a discovery. At least, I wouldn't do something like that, I don't really know anyone who would. Anyway, there will be lemons, just much later in the fiction. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter, please, read and review.
> 
> A/N#2: more edits...

Chapter 18  
(POV, Anh)

The entire thing with Shizuru and I ended on a rather, uneven note.

We broke off the engagement in the middle of senior year, after it was clear we wouldn't be good together. She was hurt, I'm sure, because we had been promised to each other for quite some time beforehand. I never touched her, never had sex with her at all. I would kiss her, and do princely type things in public, but it was just weird. She was my best friend, and kissing her wasn't exactly comfortable. I'll admit, I do have desires, and I'm not a saint. I was sleeping around early in my life. It was a choice I wasn't exactly proud of, but it was my choice to make, and to learn from.

That's why I didn't take Shizuru on that bad when I had the chance.

I didn't want her to become my little game, my toy of sorts. She knew it too, but still, she is a woman. A very attractive, soft, alluring woman. Even back then, Shizuru was dazzling, and the fact she gave me an open invitation to take her, to claim her as my own, the fact that she'd even thought about that, should have been an honor. It really was, actually. The thing is though, when you value someone as much as I did Shizuru, you don't do that without honestly pure feelings. Feelings that stem from your own will, and not the will of others.

It's something precious for some girls.

It wasn't exactly that way for me, and that's why I gave mine up easily. I mean, it was just sex right? Most of the girls I slept with think like that...that virginity is nothing, and experience is everything. The game of love strictly that. A game, something to pass the time. The women I played with were also players in return. I was okay with that, and so were they.

Shizuru is decidedly more traditional.

She views sex as an act of love. It should be shared with those whom you love, and no one else. That's her view, her upbringing, and her pride on the line. She takes value in herself, a value I never took in myself. Perhaps, a bit of it is just whimsical. Hell, some could call it outdated, but it's what Shizuru believes in. She holds onto those things, those feelings. That's alright, it's perfectly fine.

I like it, that she thinks that way.

My father wanted the marriage, not us. If she had been like me, and had already been an impure soul, like myself...then I would have done it. I would have taken her to my bed, and done things to her body that would make any red blooded human hot on the spot. I wanted her, to taste her, to feel her soft flesh bucking against mine. I wanted that, to see her arch to my touch, and mine alone. Even if that's what I wanted, it wasn't as a lover. It wasn't even as a friend. It was as lustful human, without morals.

But I cared about Shizuru.

She wanted to save herself for the right person, and I sure as hell wasn't the one for her. So what did I do? I turned her down, every singe time. That was hard to do, my mind and my hands wanted the exact opposite, but for her, I had to be the good one. The one who eased her fears, the one who her took care of her. It was my job because I was the one who proposed, all the while cursing my dad for what he'd done...

I hurt her in the end, rejecting her like I had, but I won't defend it. I won't deny it either. For Shizuru and I, it's merely a bad event that stays in our past, and nothing more. I hope the best for her. That one day, she'll find the right person. Someone who'll do for her more than I ever could. She'll find that person one day, that's just the type of woman Shizuru is.

It's like I've always said, apples are apples, oranges are oranges. Categorically speaking, it just fits that way. And it should, really. Shizuru, well, she's not one to follow that rule. She may be an apple, but that's not what she wants. I knew that, so a little hurt for a lifetime of happiness? Yeah, I took that gamble, but Shizuru is worth it.

Chapter 19

"Are you sure it would be best to stay behind?" Haruka asked her long time friend as she sifted through her desk, making sure she had everything she needed. "You could come with us you know. If we put in your transfer now, you'd be there by the end of the month." She would be moving to Garderobe soon. This was her last day in the quaint office, one that she quite liked, and she was sad to leave it behind. "Shizuru would be happy if you were there."

"I've got so much to do here." Anh sighed while shaking her head. "My father wants me to work for him, in accounting no less. I've put in my resignation, I'll be going to his company." It seemed as if their tightly knit group was being ripped apart. It had to happen someday, Anh supposed, but it was happening quickly, faster than she'd thought it would. "Soon I'll be training with him." A sad smile crept across her face as she turned away from her computer, looking at the blond. "Besides, it would be best for Shizuru if I didn't work near her."

"She's your best friend." Haruka grumbled in return, putting her hands on her hips. "You don't go through everything you guys did, and not be. If I were you, I'd be on the next flight out, but hey, that's just me."

"Yes, and we all know you're brash, irrational, and have the grammatical skills of a six year old! Get back to work Haruka, I want those corrections on my desk before you leave today, is that clear?" The third voice piped up from behind her desk, aggravated with the mess, and also worried for Anh's well being.

"Sara, you're a real pain in the ass, you know that?" Haruka shot back. "Yukino will kill me if I don't get our desks cleaned out. She's at home packing, and I was given the easy job."

"Yet, you can't possibly get anything right, now can you? Some of these words you've used, honestly? I've told you countless times, you must be as precise as possible." Her menacing glare at Haruka changed instantly as looked over at Anh. The despair the danced in Anh's eyes couldn't be mistaken. "It's alright, not everything works out the way we plan." Sara said softly. "You're right though, it would probably be for the best if you don't go back. For your own sake, if nothing else."

"Yes, you're correct, but it doesn't make the pain go away." Anh said as she picked up a pile of folders and carried them across the room to the cabinet. "I know that no matter what I do, Shizuru will never forgive me for all I've done. She may look soft and sweet, but she's territorial over the person she loves. The fact I even joked around a little, it got on her nerves. We would have never have worked out." As if pausing to think about something, she ran her fingers through her hair, and then went back to sorting out the bins in each drawer. "You don't suppose that she's still hung up on me, do you?"

"Shizuru? Not a chance in hell." Haruka laughed, but for all of her bluster, she hoped that hadn't been the case. "She's doing what you wanted her to do. She's actually going after that damned delinquent."

"She wasn't that bad, Haruka." Anh said offhandedly. "Shizuru always had an eye on Natsuki anyway. It makes sense."

"Wait, Shizuru had a flame before you?" Sara asked, now interested. "That's impossible. Shizuru's never had an interested in anyone."

"That isn't the case at all." Anh retorted bluntly. "What you know of Shizuru is only what you saw after she and I graduated." Anh sauntered over to Sara's desk, and perched herself on the edge. Elegantly, she crossed one leg over the other, her skirt riding up her thigh a bit. "Shizuru never loved me, not like that anyway."

"It sure looked like it from here." Sara grumbled in disbelief as she averted her eyes, mentally curing the way Anh dressed. "There is no end to your flirtation, now is there?"

Anh nodded at that. "It was more of the fact that we were best friends, not lovers." It was a poorly constructed lie. "I mean yeah, I may still grab her butt or something, still, we're just playing around."

"A best friend doesn't mope around all the time like you do." Sara told Anh bluntly. "Every time someone even mentions Shizuru, you get all depressed."

"Yeah right." Anh tried to shrug it off. "It was always a game for us until my dad decided to make my life a living hell. We didn't want to get married, and Shizuru wanted to have her freedom. Plus, my busy hands couldn't keep to themselves, and that really pissed her off. She hated when I would play with other girls."

"I would hardly call necking classmates in the locker room 'playing around'. Besides, you've done worse, and we all know it." Haruka started in again, flinging her red pen across the room, cursing since it was out of ink. "Some of the stuff you did really upset her. Shizuru may be a flirt, but what she really wants is an honest relationship, like Yukino and me have."

"You mean, Yukino and I, Haruka." Sara chucked a new box of pens over to the women of golden blond tresses. "Really, talk properly for goodness sake." Sara sighed in exasperation before turning back to the woman sitting on her desk. "Anyway, so you were playing around? With a woman like Shizuru as your finance? Were you high off your ass? Anyone would kill to be in a relationship with her, and she even liked you. Bloody hell Anh, you are stupid."

"You guys just don't get it do you?" Anh rolled her eyes, looking at the ceiling, trying to keep the emotion out of her voice. "Shizuru didn't want to get married. She thought she was a bit young, and the fact that it was with me, her best friend...it was weird for us, being together like that."

Haruka nodded, she knew what Anh was talking about. "Shizuru's family wants her to be happy, above all else." Haruka told Sara as she handed over the first page of corrections. "They thought Anh would be the one for her, but Shizuru isn't like that at all. Shizuru's a nice person, but she doesn't like being told what to do. I'm sure, that if Anh had come forward with pure intentions, things would have worked out different."

Anh nodded. "I would never make an honest woman out of her, and she knew that. Besides, she's always had that thing for Natsuki. Why do you think I got so involved with the underclassmen? Did you really think it was because there weren't enough loose girls in our own grade?"

"I knew it!" Haruka bellowed standing from her seat. "It was your idea, getting Shizuru involved with that riffraff!"

"They made her happy. That's why I did it." Anh told her friend crossly. "I would do it again in a heartbeat, just to see her smile. People in our world are privileged, but at what cost?! You were lucky you got to be with Yukino." She whispered heatedly. "But let me ask you this, what if it would have been you? What if you were forced to marry Shizuru? Would you have gone through with it? Or would you have felt torn over what to do?"

Haruka stood there, not moving from her spot, thinking about that. "I don't know." That was the harsh reality, and Haruka knew. "With Shizuru, I don't think I could have." She'd thought about that question often. "When my parents told me I'd be with Yukino, and that I didn't have a choice in the matter, I wasn't upset at all. I remember thinking, that if it was Yukino, I wouldn't mind. That I would be there for Yukino no matter what. I never thought about it being someone else, because with Yukino, it seemed like a good choice. Like I didn't have to worry."

"There you go then." Anh sighed. "There's your answer. We just weren't right for each other, and our marriage would have been a bad one. I couldn't let that happen." Anh had some of the fondest memories of her life when Shizuru was around, but that's all they were. Memories. "She really liked Natsuki, and admired her from afar, so I figured, why not get close? You know...so that's why I did it."

Anh liked to think she did the best given a bad situation. She hoped that was actually the case. "I did it so that Shizuru could be with the person she admired. She's always loved Natsuki, and if my dad hadn't been an asshole, then, maybe they'd be together." As much as Anh denied the claims though, she did love Shizuru, quite deeply in fact. Her friendship was stronger though, her fear of really hurting Shizuru one that she refused to think about. "It would be best if Shizuru could be with Natsuki."

"They might get together." Haruka said sadly as she sat back down at her desk, defeated and lost for words. The only thing she could say fell from her lips like a heavy weight. "Shizuru and Natsuki are working at Garderobe, that's why Yukino and I are going. She needs the moral support. One day, when she called me, she sounded so...I don't even know if I could explain it."

Sara could feel the air, something different stirring around, and she didn't like the feeling. "We should get back to work." She said with a small assertive voice. Soft, but with enough power, it got the point across. "We can go out for drinks and talk about all of this later, but for now, we should get focused."

Chapter 20

Shizuru sighed the next morning with both contempt and relief. She supposed she should be happy that today there were only cram classes. Most of the students would be keeping themselves amused somehow, or studying hard for their tests. Sure, she still had to do some work, but it was all paperwork, and it was stuff that could wait a few glorious hours. She'd felt sluggish when she'd woken up, confused as she sat at her desk, and now, simply tired as she looked at the endless words on the pages.

She didn't really care though. The time was better spent thinking about last night, while enjoying the breakfast Mai had prepared. Last night hadn't gone as expected. It hadn't been restful, not like she'd thought it would be. Shizuru knew her fantasies of being with Natsuki were merely that, but now, there were entirely new emotions involved. She had been so assured, so positive of who she'd been raised to become.

Yet, being with Natsuki wasn't quite a path many would approve of.

Some would call it crude, or lacking, she knew. Still, she couldn't bring herself to feel anything but love for Natsuki. She feared for the younger woman's well being. Last night, she knew some of those tears went deeper than Natsuki would ever tell. Shizuru was alone now too, or so she thought. There wasn't anyone to confide in, she realized. Natsuki likely hadn't had anyone to talk with either.

The mere thought made Shizuru's head spin.

She was usually aware of her surroundings, her office was big, and commanded such authority. Still, when Miss Maria brought in some of the morning tea, she could see that the waves of change had already begun. "Natsuki is a bit busy, so I thought I could serve the tea." The old woman said, not only pouring Shizuru some of the warm steeping brew, but also poured herself some. "I doubt I could be of much use, but, you would like to talk about it?"

Shizuru's crimson eyes lifted from her plate, as she looked at the house mother. The implication didn't go unnoticed, in fact, it was almost screaming across the room, though no words were said beyond that. It was mind boggling, a new truth every few moments it seemed. It was enough to drive her mad. "You knew?" Shizuru sighed, shaking her head. That seemed obvious. "Good god, I was kept that far out of the loop. Who else knows about this?" She didn't want to think of it that way, that others had known about Natsuki for so long...that others hadn't been pushed away.

"Only those who had been told by Natsuki's father, I assume." Miss Maria said almost pleasantly, as if they were discussing the weather, or curriculum. She pushed a chair over to the desk and sat down, enjoying her tea for a moment. She observed Shizuru, how she put her face into her hands, and stared blankly at the oak wood. "Natsuki didn't want anyone to know about her, not even those nearest her. She wants a normal life, to be a normal person, but normal can only go so far, and for Natsuki, that's a lot less than what others would presume."

"So, is she a woman, or is she a man?" That's what floored Shizuru the most. That undefinable line. She wanted so much to reach out to Natsuki, to say everything would be alright. That's what her heart wished, but she knew that it may not be the case. "What is Natsuki, really?"

"Both, in her own ways, of course." Miss Maria smiled softly then, trying to ease Shizuru's worry. "I know this isn't my place, nor is it right to trifle in your personal affairs, however I know well the worries in your mind. I used to feel the same, that Natsuki truly was an enigma, and one I could never possibly understand." Time had taught Maria differently, it had opened new doors. "However, that isn't the case. Whatever she hasn't told you is probably best left unsaid. If you desire answers, the only thing you can do is ask."

"With Natsuki's attitude?" Shizuru asked incredulous. "That would be asking for trouble, and you know that just as well as I do." With a soft sigh, she began sifting through some of her papers on her desk, squinting, before fishing for her glasses. "Have the transfer papers gone though yet?" Searching for a change of subject was easier than she thought it would be. "I really need Haruka and Yukino here as soon as humanly possible." A small smirk danced upon her lips, irony at the finest. "Natsuki really can't organize anything right the first time."

"Yes I know." Miss Maria grumbled, shuttering at the thought. "Thankfully, she won't be stuck behind her desk for much longer. They'll be here by the end of the week, I hope."

Shizuru nodded gratefully. "Yukino's skills will come in handy." After she finished the last of her tea, she closed the folder in front of her. "I need to go back to the room and speak with Natsuki." She said more for herself than her guest. She pushed aside a stack of papers that she didn't understand, and regarded them for a moment. "Do you mind taking these forms and shoving them in a corner someplace. I'd much rather wait on a few of these administrative documents until Yukino arrives, she knows more about the fine print than I do."

"Yes, I can do that." Miss Maria said as Shizuru nodded, gathering her things and preparing to lock down a few of the metal drawers.

With haste she walked out of the door and down the long stretch of hallway. Her high heels clicked away the entire time. It was as if each step was a moment in time, ticking away by some invisible clock. The words of last night bubbled in her mind. Natsuki's tears had been so deep and real that it had shocked her. Still, they couldn't hide from each other now. Shizuru had so many questions, and no answers. Natsuki wasn't some new creature she'd never met, but that didn't make the reality easier to accept. There was so much she didn't know, so many things she'd wanted to ask, but there hadn't been a way to do it.

When she entered their shared room, the living area was barren, no sign of Natsuki. The door to the bathroom was cracked open a little bit, and the fumbling around inside gave Shizuru the answer. She knew she probably shouldn't have. That it was a really bad idea invading Natsuki's personal space, but still, impulse drove her actions. She pushed the door open, only to find Natsuki standing there topless, a razor pressed to her face, as she meticulously shaved.

"Don't you know how to knock?" Natsuki berated Shizuru as she rinsed off her razor in clean water, pulling her towel down in front of her. Inwardly, Natsuki was just thankful she had jeans on. Her shirt and bra were still in her room though, and her mind went wild with invectives because of it.

"I do, but I'd rather forgo modesty at this point." Shizuru told her as she brazenly walked over to the side of the bathtub, leaning on it. "I want to talk to you, without this...crazy...whatever this is, between us." Shizuru was a lost for words, but she was also nervous, and her eyes went down to the floor. "I want to know you, Natsuki." Shizuru sighed as she glanced back up again, before returning her eyes to the floor. "This is part of that. So, please, just...talk to me. Show me who you are when you don't have that charade on."

Natsuki rolled her eyes, not really wanting to be bothered. "It really isn't a charade, Shizuru. It's my life." How could she explain? That was the entire issue. She'd wanted to do it, but how? That was the hard part. "There are things that I have to do to fit in, and, realistically speaking, I have to choose. Do I act as a man, or act as a woman? I can't be both, even if I think I am. The world can't accept that yet. So, I do what I have to. It's easier to look like a woman, than it is to act like a guy. So I do...act like I'm just a woman."

"But you aren't." Shizuru said easily enough. That was the part she struggled the most with. "How can you do that every day and not just fall apart. Why hide it? Any true friends you have, they would be alright with it, I think." Shizuru spoke in a bare whisper, almost forcing her voice to obey her. "It's a little odd, I'll admit, but it isn't bad. It's just a situation. A circumstance of your life, and nothing more than that." It was hard for Shizuru, watching Natsuki shave her face.

Shizuru had to admit, in a situation like this blind acceptance was a bit unreal. "I didn't even know you had hair there..."

"I don't have much." Natsuki laughed, Shizuru was flustered, and Natsuki wanted to make a point to enjoy that, for at least a moment. "And the stuff I do get is really patchy. I'd probably have to go four or five days without shaving before anyone would really notice. It grows in slow. It would be a dead giveaway if anyone actually touched my face though, you can feel it before you actually see it. My face probably feels more like a kiwi when I don't shave."

"You're face feels like a fruit?" Shizuru rose her eyebrow, daring to look at the mirror Natsuki was glaring into.

"I just mean the hair feels soft, it's not all scratchy like a guy's would be. But it's a lot more than a woman would get...does that make sense?" Natsuki asked as she blurted out her answer quickly. She was so busy washing her face off, and rinsing out the sink, she didn't notice Shizuru suppressing a smile at her blushing.

"It does, I suppose." Shizuru smiled. "So, then, what else does Natsuki do to prepare for her day."

"Oh no. You aren't watching any of that stuff." Natsuki told Shizuru, not wanting to have anyone loiter around. "Get out of here, you're acting like a stalker."

"I believe I'm being very open in ogling you." Shizuru giggled, her eyes filled with delight. "That doesn't make me a stalker."

"No, it makes you a pervert." Natsuki protested again. "That's why you should leave."

Shizuru didn't want it to go like this. "Why do we do this?"

"I didn't actually do anything." Natsuki told her as she took in Shizuru's earnest expression. Natsuki cursed as she took a swipe at the counter top, knocking away the mouthwash in anger. "You're the one who barged in here, getting in my personal space. To be honest, I have no idea what the hell you want from me." She turned then, her eyes perplexed, her arms crossed, as she regarded Shizuru with a doleful breath. "So, what is it?"

Shizuru wasn't quite sure herself. "If I knew that, then I wouldn't be so confused right now." It could have been the way Natsuki stood there, the raw power she exuded something very unlike her. Yet, it was something that seemed so natural, as if it wasn't just a fake reaction. It seemed more real than that. Natsuki's rage tangible by her actions, but her fear even more so, hidden only by her eyes. It was her voice that betrayed her. "I don't know what I want, because I don't know what you want." She knew that if she wanted anything, it was something solid, something she could understand.

Shizuru was a woman who had been taught early about strict morals. Her parents may not have forced her to use them, but they had impressed upon her early, that she would decide who she would be, how she would live her life. Choosing to come out of the closet was one of many choices she'd made. All of them were finality in her mind. Her choices never needed to go further than that. She had been ruled by definition for so long. Shizuru would make a statement, it would be accepted. That's how her life worked.

Sure, she'd had to fight tooth and nail about some of them, but she'd never been unsure about anything before. "Love isn't the end all, it can never be the only glue. It's a start, nothing more than that." They loved each other, right? She knew Natsuki's feelings were there, but was it enough? Shizuru knew it wasn't going to be.

"You are an amazingly beautiful woman, but you're frustrating the shit out of me. Do you know that?" Natsuki shook her head, a dark laugh slipping from her lips, quiet, and a bit nervous. "Shizuru, my whole life, I've wanted nothing more than to be left alone. To do what I want, when I want. Hell, there was a time when I can remember having that. Then, one day, it was all taken away, because of a situation dad and I couldn't control." Her entire life she'd been a victim of that. Situations that weren't in her favor. Circumstances she couldn't change. "Love may not be the end all, but it can break a person. It can ruin them before they even know what hit them."

"So yes it may be the glue, but you can't keep everything else together without it." Her voice was shaking, the pains of her past were scars she didn't want to talk about. Most of it was pointless anyway. "I let that glue fall apart more than once. I forgot what it meant to care about anyone, even my own dad. People can't do that Shizuru. People can't live like that, and he sure as hell couldn't. So he found love, he found a way to repair the damage that he had done." Natsuki knew that part of it was wrong, it wasn't just him. "That life made us do, because we were stupid."

It came down to the real answer. "A man born to become a father, can't be a good one on his own. There's always someone there to back him up. Even if it's just his own kid having faith in him." There was so much Natsuki could say, every rebuttal, each retort, something her past had taught her.

She'd learned a lot, but it was a hard truth. "For being just glue Shizuru, the idea of love and family is stronger than you give it credit for." She didn't want to repeat it, to play with fire and make the same mistakes. "It isn't something you can take for granted." She knew how to keep people at arms length, that was a skill she'd acquired and had mastered it perfectly. "If you think you can, then go right ahead." Letting someone in, to trust them without any shadow of a doubt, that was the hard part. "If that's the case, you're brave, more than I am."

"I'm not brave." Shizuru knew better than to think that. Natsuki was trembling, but she'd said more than Shizuru could. Had gone further, reached out, in ways Shizuru knew she'd never find the strength to do. "If I was brave, I would have done things differently. We would be in a different place by now."

"How could you know that? You're not a mind reader, you can't predict the future, and you can't change the past." Natsuki said, her tone one of a finality as she turned back to the sink. "Just accept it and move on."

"What if I don't want to?" Shizuru asked as she stood and approached Natsuki, putting her arms around the shorter woman. "What if I want to frustrate you? What if the thought of being near you perturbs me, but the thought of losing you is even worse?" Her breathing was shallow, the mere thought of losing Natsuki at all, something she never wanted to think about. "What if I can't get you out of my head? What if I can't just move on?" Shizuru swallowed a lump in her throat, there was something arousing being this close to Natsuki, her bare shoulder soft and supple. Her scent both spicy, yet sweet. "What if everything I thought I knew about you was actually a lie?" Shizuru sighed with baited breath. "That's my fear, that you may not be the person I thought you were. That the Natsuki I know was just for show."

Natsuki didn't say a word as she listened to Shizuru's soft voice. The uncertainty was clear and crystal. "Would the love I have for you be fake too?" Shizuru asked, although there was no answer Natsuki could give. "Could the declarations that you've given me also be a lie?"

Natsuki rolled her eyes. This woman could be so annoying sometimes. "You read into things the wrong way." She said as she switched their positions, lifting Shizuru up to put her on the counter, their eyes meeting. "I have a dick Shizuru, that's it." The blunt way of putting it made her blush, but it was for Shizuru's own good. "Really, the only person I lied to was Nao, and only because she felt the need to sit on my lap all the time." It really wasn't that big of a deal when she though about it, but for others, it wasn't easy. "It's not that monumental when you think about it. All it takes is a few genes to screw up and there ya go. Yeah, I went to a school for girls, but last time I checked, I have a pair of tits just like you do."

It was then, Natsuki gulped. She saw the tell tale eyebrow raise in amusement as Shizuru smirked. "Ah, so Natsuki has been looking. I was beginning to wonder about that."

"Of course I've been looking!" Natsuki shouted before thinking about the implication.

"Well now who's the pervert?" The retort was amused, Shizuru sultry voice doing horrible things to Natsuki's mind. "If you want to make it even, you could take off the towel." Shizuru whispered, blowing hot air into Natsuki's ear, her tongue barely teasing soft skin. "Show me yours, I show you mine."

Natsuki put a hand to her face, willing the images to go away. "Dammit, Shizuru, get out of the bathroom!"

Chapter 21

"So, they were fighting?" Mai asked as she and Nao sat in the now empty kitchen. "Like back in high school type of fighting? Or married couple type of fighting?" It was late at night, so they were alone. It was a mixed blessing, but a welcomed one. "Either one is bad I guess."

"More like being idiots." Nao sighed as she fidgeted with her food. "When I passed by the door, Natsuki was bellowing over something, but you know how they get. It's a riot every few minuets with those two." Nao missed being around Mai now that they lived in separate rooms. It was different, and a bit lonely. "I guess I can't blame them though, I mean, it's not like they were going to shack up immediately away right?" They had less time for everything, including gossip sessions.

"I wish they would." Mai told Nao as she took her plate over to the sink, putting it into the soapy water. "Then they'd at least have some reason to get all steamy with each other. This whole hot and cold thing between them drives me nuts."

"You can't rush it." Nao said, her mouth full of salad. Mai rolled her eyes at that, she knew what Nao meant, but it didn't ease the tension any less. In fact, Mai would argue it was making matters worse. In a rare show of concern though, Nao continued softly. "Natsuki's not the type to really get things going, and Shizuru's not in any position to put the moves on Natsuki." She tossed a tomato in the air catching it in her mouth and grinned at her accomplishment. "Dumb dog has been beaten so many times, she's skittish. It'll take time."

"So, you aren't planning to light a fire under Natsuki's butt this time?" That idea surprised Mai. "Normally, you'd be the first to provoke her into action. What changed?"

"Nothing." Nao shrugged, as if that had been her entire point. "Can't light a fire when you have nothing to burn. It'd be pointless."

"Nao..." Mai's violet eyes glimmered conspiratorially. "You're being cryptic. What do you know that I don't? Come on, dish it out."

"I don't know anything, Natsuki wouldn't tell me." It hadn't been what was said, but rather, what hadn't been. That's why Nao knew. It was something so miniscule, that she wondered if anyone else had noticed. "Let me ask you this, do you think this is the type of problem Natsuki would ask for help with?"

Mai thought about that, the answer was clear as day. "No, probably not."

"Then why did she come to my room that night?" Nao asked, though it was a hint. A huge, glaring hint. "Why beat around the bush at all, when Natsuki isn't that type of person?"

"That is a bit strange." Mai nodded. "You're right, something is going on."

"Nope!" Nao just burst out laughing. "Nothing is going on, and it's driving Natsuki crazy. If you had a second chance with anyone, it's easy to say what you would do. The real thing is, could you really do it? Natsuki's gotta face that down, that second chance. We all want it, but what do you do when you get it?" For Nao, the entire idea was amusing, but beyond that, it was also a long time coming. "They're so caught up in the novelty of being the way they used to be, even if they want to be more, they don't know how."

"When did you get so smart about that type of thing?" Mai asked then, in awe of Nao's observation. "It's incredibly mature of you."

"What maturity..." Nao scoffed as she tossed another tomato in the air. "It's just hilarious, that's all. It's not like a really care about it or anything."

"Yeah, sure Nao." Mai smiled, she knew that part was a lie. They were both worried, at least a little. "Whatever you say."


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Okay guys, you wanted an update so I'm tossing what little of one I do finished, but it isn't much. I've been ill the past few days, so I haven't really had the time to do an update. Here's what I have so far, just don't be disappointed in the length or cutoff point...that's the tradeoff for having this up today.
> 
> I have a lot going on in the family during this time of the year. Just our busy season with birthdays, school events, and Halloween parties (lots of kids in the family), and of course Thanksgiving in November. I've got to play the part of excited aunt, and overjoyed older cousin after all. Kiddo's come first, and this month is filled with football games, color guard and marching band practices. Yep a lot on my plate, but just so you know, that's what's going on in the coming weeks/month. Still, fan fiction isn't my life...it won't ever be my life...
> 
> That said, my fictions aren't over until the fat lady sings, so to speak. Just because I get ill, doesn't mean I've forgotten about my stories, or you guys...real life does happen, I can't stop it from being that way. At 23 years old, I have my future to think about.
> 
> A/N#2: more...effin...edits...dear god...

Chapter 22

Being someone in authority wasn't easy.

They had to get up earlier than everyone else, normally working while eating their breakfast just to acquire an extra few minuets of sluggishness in the mornings. Then, just like every day before dawn, they'd fall into the seemingly endless routine of chasing down children and maintaining the school...Natsuki was just beginning to get the hang of it, but her abilities with the mounds of paperwork could be considered less than satisfactory. Shizuru had gotten creative with how to keep Natsuki away from the documents.

There was, however, one startling piece of paper that graced Shizuru's desk this morning. One that admittedly, she didn't quite know what to do with, and she dare not give such a job to such an easily angry partner. This would, without a shadow of a doubt, make her furious. It was with rather hesitant motions, that she picked up and dialed the unknown and foreboding man that had sent in a letter of request. It was rather common to send a letter of request, before enrolling a child in the school.

What irked her, rather what sent a sickening feeling coursing through her veins, would not be the call, but instead the visit.

"That is a direct act of insubordination!" A shout echoed from the hallway, making Shizuru forget her momentary crisis as she hung up the phone in the middle of ringing. "If you would have just let me, I would have put her in her place. Shizuru won't be happy when she hears that you let that little hellion skip her class!" When the door finally burst open, a common, yet very welcome sight graced Shizuru's crimson orbs.

"She was running to the nurse's office, Haruka." Yukino reminded the tall and brash blond. "If you were her age, you'd consider that an emergency too." In fact, if Yukino recalled younger years, Haruka actually had thought she was dying. She looked she looked over at the large desk, Shizuru sitting there with a genuine smile on her face, though it was small and discrete. "The poor girl had a period, I don't believe she'd been prepared." It was odd for Yukino, seeing Shizuru on the other end of their old world. "It's nice to see you again, Shizuru."

"A sight for sore eyes." Shizuru nodded in agreement. "You as well, Haruka. I must admit, things have been quite a bit hectic. I thought I could handle this on my own, but I find that to be a failing effort on a daily basis."

Haruka waved off the warm welcome, instead, jumping head first into the situation, as she would always find herself doing. "So, what are we going to be helping you with? Office looks clean enough, doesn't look like you have much to do, either."

"Actually, that's a rather bold statement." Shizuru stood, beckoning her friends over to the metal strange locker. "Also an incorrect one." As she unlocked the drawers and pulled them out, Haruka got a glimpse of how much unfinished work there was, how many things that hadn't even been touched. "As you can see, Natsuki doesn't understand this aspect of her job, and I require Yukino's attention in such a matter. That said Haruka, the old administrative staff in this school demands a particular level of cooperation. Natsuki's rather busy with the students and the lunch programs. She doesn't grasp how to work with the teachers, even if she does know how to read the curriculum. I need someone able to explain and enforce what we've decided, and Natsuki hasn't garnered enough respect to do that yet."

"Alright..." Haruka nodded, assured such a thing would be easy. "But if we're doing her job, what the hell is Natsuki doing?"

"Well, recently Nao drove over a big rock, and inadvertently harmed the lawnmower." It was with a momentary chuckle that Shizuru wondered how Natsuki was handling that. Still, it was only one problem on a very long list of things that needed to be done. "Natsuki is dealing with that, and as you know, Nao is not a simple task." The laundry list of odd jobs would likely take all day, but that didn't worry Shizuru in the slightest. "Would you care for some tea, Haruka?"

"Yeah right. Keep that stuff to yourself." The blond chortled as she grabbed a fist full of stapled papers. "I don't have time for that anyway, seeing as I have to cover for your delinquent friend."

Chapter 23

The night was like a cloak as it draped foreboding in the air like a thick fog. Natsuki found herself at the cusp of another argument, but this one was far different than any she had encountered in the past. "Just get in the bed already." If it was a good thing or not, she was unsure. In fact, she wondered if there had even been a time when she was the aggressor. "We'll fix the mess in the morning." For her, the idea was perfectly logical, but she knew better than to think Shizuru would take it that way.

"A student vandalized our living space, and the only thing you seem to be worried about is taking me to your bed, as if I'm a concubine..." Shizuru ranted, there were very few things that could truly anger the woman, but harassment was one of them. "Feathers are everywhere, and there's gum inside of my doorknob. We can't simply ignore this!"

"Are you kidding? If you think this is bad, don't dare ask me what I used to do." Natsuki thought this was mild in comparison. Breaking and entering didn't really floor her. The fact that it appeared as if a flock of birds had molted and took flight also didn't phase her in the slightest. "Now just calm down, and tomorrow I'll get Nao to fix the door. You crashed in my room last night, so what's one more night going to hurt?" She even called the gum stunt highly amusing, and cursed herself for not having thought of it as a student.

"I'm going to call Miss Maria and have this matter taken care of." Shizuru sighed, perturbed with Natsuki's calm demeanor. "I want to know who did this, and when I find out, they will pay dearly."

"Or, you could put your tight little ass in bed so that I can get some sleep." Natsuki sighed as she took hold of Shizuru's slender wrist, forcing her to turn around. Their eyes met, for just the briefest of moments. "I'm tired." It had been one thing after another. She could have sworn there was a full moon the night before. The students had behaved like hellions today. Coming back to their rooms, and finding this wonderful prize was the final straw on a very thin rope. Natsuki was exhausted, plain and simple. "The feathers will still be there in the morning, so just leave it be." She wanted rest after a long day of chasing students around, something that wasn't as easy as she thought it would be.

"How can you be so calm? This beyond a normal breach in the rules." Shizuru told Natsuki, though she did follow the woman to her bedroom, thankful that at least one area was still clean. "Did they steal anything important?"

"A few magazines." Natsuki shrugged not really minding about them. The rest of the room had been left well enough alone, no trace of anything else misplaced or tampered with. "Nothing to get upset over." Natsuki knew she'd be singing a different tune if anything had been taken, anything important anyway. She was blissfully out of the way of danger, her own important items locked away under her bed in a tiny foot locker. "Besides, it was probably just one of those dare tests the kids put each other through...you know they get a bit off the wall."

"I didn't like them back then, and I don't like them now." Shizuru did remember. The hazing that went on wasn't something she took pride in, in fact she'd done her best to avoid it from happening. "All it does, is put normally good students in harms way, and you know that." Breaking the gentle hold on her wrist wasn't hard, and after she'd done that, she began to walk around their living area again. "Who would do this?"

"Leave the poor kids alone." Natsuki laughed, thinking it really was that simple. "They'll get a pat on the back for not getting caught. You and I can just overlook this entire ordeal. Nao can clean it up in the morning, and no harm done. See how easy it is? Just don't catch the culprit." There was the fact that penalty games were far worse. "Don't you recall what one would have to do in order to redeem themselves? Why put ourselves through more hassle when they'd make a worse mess next time?"

Shizuru nodded, though she hadn't wanted to agree. "Alright, we'll play things your way. However, if this happens again, I won't be so easily stopped." Natsuki smiled at that. There was something defiant in those blood red eyes, something uncanny, and it danced across Shizuru features in such a way, Natsuki couldn't look away. Her anger, while intoxicating, wasn't what captivated her. A cool and calm wall had been shattered, a fury raging outwardly as she took in the sights of their abode. Shizuru wasn't usually so readable, but each and every breath, every blink of her eyes were crystal clear.

Natsuki licked her lips, her intrigue peeked as she continued to watch the woman in front of her.

"What?" Shizuru finally sighed as she pulled a feather out of her nylon. She'd noticed Natsuki's expression, that mildly dull and blank stare that held far more interest than one might admit. Shizuru looked down at herself, but nothing seemed askew, and she rose an eyebrow questioningly. "Natsuki, you'll catch flies like that." She purred, momentarily forgetting that their room had been trashed. She'd be willing to let it all slip away, if only she knew what was going on in Natsuki's mind. Those emerald eyes swirled in an emotion Shizuru hadn't quite been able to place, she hadn't ever seen anything like it before. "Natsuki, are you quite alright?" She finally asked worried for her companion.

"Nothing." Natsuki coughed, averting her eyes to the floor. "Don't worry about it." Natsuki seemed ashamed as she slid into bed, hiding under the covers. "Come on, we've gotta get up early. Go to bed already."

"Nothing, is always a something, my Natsuki." Shizuru thought she'd seen arousal in Natsuki eyes, for the smallest moment. Now though, she felt unsure of herself. She followed slowly after, sitting at the edge of the bed. She looked at her maroon blazer with matching skirt. She hadn't any intention of getting it wrinkled, in case she'd have to wear it again the next day, and that left only one option. With nimble fingers, she unfastened each button slowly, slipping off the top of her garment, and the white shirt underneath. She'd been about to do the same with her skirt when she felt the covers bunch up from behind her.

"You might not want to do that, Shizuru." Natsuki's shamed voice spoke, her face hidden by her thick, navy comforter. She was curling into herself, a sign that she'd definitely been thinking about something earlier. If there had been any doubts from before, they were gone now.

"We always seem to have such difficult confrontations." Shizuru told her. Merely an observation, little more, as she took the liberty of draping her clothes onto a nearby chair. Her eyes scanned the open magazines, the women in them pretending to be innocent as they posed in the nude. All of them were quite beautiful, pleasing to the eyes, Shizuru would admit. Still, there was something about them lacking, their smiles as fake as her own, she noticed. That part was what made them ugly, the false impressions they gifted for readers. That was part of the allure for some, Shizuru assumed, but not for her. "Natsuki, suppose that I actually believed nothing was bothering you. Why wouldn't I get comfortable?"

Natsuki didn't have an answer for that, but something had been bugging her, and even when she sat up, letting the blankets fall down around her, she refused to look at Shizuru's face. "I just realized something, that's all." When she thought about it again, her heart hammered in her chest. It was a real danger, since she didn't know particular answers. "You're a lesbian, right?" Shizuru nodded, whispering an affirmative answer, and Natsuki smirked, although it wasn't filled with light and warmth. "You aren't on the pill then, are you?"

"No." Shizuru knew where this was going, and although she'd wished it had come sooner, now faced with the logic, she didn't quite know what to say about it. "It wasn't any concern before." It wouldn't have had to be. "Women in my position don't often worry about things like that, so I guess it slipped my mind."

"But it can't." Natsuki said softly, her eyes looking at Shizuru for a moment, before averting her sight quickly, a deep tinge of red marring her face. "Because I'm a woman, and you're a woman." Natsuki impressed upon that part very carefully, her fingers clutching pillow and she hugged it close. "Because we're both supposed to be women, we need to be careful about everything. Pills, condoms, the whole nine yards, Shizuru." She dared to chance another glance at the woman before her. "Doing that, is very dangerous right now."

Natsuki knew the burning in her cheeks well. The flaring warmth only got worse the more she thought about it. Beautiful silky tresses of fawn framed Shizuru's face as those deep pools of crimson bore into her. Shizuru's flesh was pale in the depths of night, her bra covered breast attracting more attention than Natsuki wished they would. Try though she might to think of anything platonic, it was a failing endeavor. Even Shizuru's soft lips, glistening with just a hint of red gloss made Natsuki wish she could look away. When she finally managed to tear her eyes away from such a goddess as Shizuru, her mind played with the image, an even more torturous reality. "It's making me want to do things, Shizuru." The more her eyes trailed down, the more and more she couldn't reign in her libido. Her imagination running wild. She wanted to leave that skirt on, taking Shizuru on her desk, it was one fantasy of many, a war she couldn't stop. "Things we can't do."

"I'm a consenting adult woman." Shizuru said then, realizing this wasn't a time for joke. Although, she dearly wished she could play with her skittish partner, she feared Natsuki would run screaming from the room. Instead, without missing a beat, she pulled the pillow away from Natsuki, forcing the person she loved to look at her. "We can do whatever we both deem appropriate, the world around us can be damned."

Natsuki shook her head. "I don't know if I'm sterile or not. Even if I did, I'd want to be careful, and then, even when people are careful, things happen Shizuru." Natsuki closed her eyes, refusing to look at anything except the blackness of her own eyelids. "You think those sexual jokes are funny, but they get to me. I do want that...to have those things that other people do. A life outside of these walls one day, but this is all I know. I came to terms with that, Shizuru. With being alone, and not having anyone. And then, you blew all that away the night I told you about this. You blew my plans out of the water. I'm happy about that..." When she finally could open her eyes again, Shizuru saw the raw emotion there. "But now I want things that come along with it, the normalcy of it all. But, no matter what I do, we won't be normal."

She'd be lying if she told Natsuki she wasn't afraid of their new, and somewhat odd relationship. "I know we won't be, not completely." They would be an enigma. Their entire relationship would be tasty tidbits for the press. Shizuru's family were high enough in profile that if things got out, there could be quite the mess to deal with. They'd accept it though, just as they had with any of Shizuru's choices. That was the one, and only, saving grace for what could become an uproar. "I'm okay with that, if you are." She was hesitant at first, when she drew Natsuki into an embrace. "Perhaps, if you'll let me, I can can ease some of the longing that you feel." The truth was, she was unsure of everything too.

The nagging, teasing, fighting, and even her curiosity was fueled by her uncertainty. As of late, it had gotten her into trouble. Natsuki was always that way, pushing people away from her, keeping a distance. Now though, there wasn't any distance, and Shizuru was sure Natsuki was fighting her own emotions. The top half of her body was bare, save for her bra covering her ample breasts. Having Natsuki so close made her realize how dangerously arousing this was. How easy it would be to forget, damning solid reasons for fiery passion. That would have been enough, their position the final straw on a very long rope. "Will you trust me?" Trembling breath couldn't find purchase, and Shizuru's heart froze.

She'd done it again hadn't she?

Seeking solace where there wasn't any. Asking permission for something she knew she would be denied. No matter how hard she'd tried, she'd always been rejected in her past. Why wouldn't Natsuki do the same? It was a question she didn't have the answer for, as she gazed finding none. The look in Natsuki's eye were pained. She knew she trusted the woman in front of her without a shadow of a doubt. Natsuki wanted the warmth of another person, to have her desires coaxed by the whims of someone else. "Shizuru, you can't." To be held, protected...to be loved. It was overwhelming to even think of, let alone to consider it. "You'll regret it."

Those words clung in the air as Shizuru sighed, withdrawing her hands slowly. "I suppose, you could be right." She didn't want that to be her answer though, fearing that Natsuki truly believed in such a thing. There was nothing better she could say, not any words that could ease the unspoken worries between them. "However, I would rather live with regret, than live my life without knowing what it would have been like. What our lives would be like in the future. Natsuki, I don't want to go on wondering about that. My past transgressions are bad enough." Her hands trembled as she bit her lip. "So, even if I have regrets, they are still mine to have." Shizuru murmured as she unclasped her bra, letting it fall onto the floor with a muted thud. "What about you, Natsuki! What chances will you take?"


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: The song lyrics you see at the start of each chapter is actually a song from Russian Red. The lyrics are from the song Cigarettes. The length of this chapter makes up for last time a bit I hope. Not nearly as short. Again I want to thank everyone for the support they've given me, and I hope you will continue to enjoy the fan fiction.
> 
> A/N#2: more...edits... /sigh

Chapter 24  
Now tell me what it is  
It isn't fair 'cause  
I'm wasting time  
'Cause it isn't my heart  
It isn't my fault  
And every situation understands, well  
The anecdote  
Of chasing the location to your door

What chances would she take? The question circled around endlessly in crimson orbs, and Natsuki froze.

She didn't know why, but the hurt there, Natsuki could tell she wasn't the one who had caused it. She wasn't the one who had inflicted the wound. No, she was only the one who found the scar. She could see it clearly, and she knew who did it instantly. Natsuki sighed, chuckling darkly and she noticed Shizuru didn't budge. "You think so little of me, don't you, Shizuru?" It may have been a fear, but Natsuki knew now, the real test here wasn't the chances she would take...it was the answers she'd give. "Do you really want me to do that, Shizuru? You're the one who made that damned concubine comment earlier...do you really want me to do it?"

Now, that was the real question wasn't it?

For endless moments they stared blankly at each other. Fury in the eyes of crimson, anxiety in the eyes of emerald. "Would you really be toyed with so easily?" Natsuki said softly as she kept her eyes firmly in place. "I don't think so. No, you aren't that kind of woman, and I'm not the type who'll play into the stupid games of your past. I won't be the one who closes that scar Shizuru. You have to do it yourself." Still even as Natsuki said that, she knew the truth of it all...the passion between them, fiery and hot, just like that night. There was something she loved about it, and yet, there was also something she hated. "You're so damn infuriating, you know that?" Natsuki said softly, her voice shaken in her whispers.

"I feel the same about you, my Natsuki." Shizuru said in kind as she nodded. The fury left her eyes then, just as quickly as it had started the fire, it slipped away, and a single tear fell down Shizuru's cheek. It glistened in the dark light of Natsuki's room. "I feel the same, and yet I can't get you out of my head, no matter how much I try." She smiled then softly. "You know, Natsuki, I felt as if you were always a breath of fresh air, and yet, you're nothing but the figments of my past." Looking down at her nude form, she wondered about herself. "Natsuki, am I really as beautiful as everyone claims?" She didn't feel that way, she felt as dim and dark as the sky without stars.

"Yes." Natsuki sighed in defeat as she got up from the bed, pulling her robe that she had bunched in the corner with her as she stood up. "I would say you are beyond beautiful." As she wrapped it around Shizuru, she smiled the smallest little bit. "But even so, Shizuru, I can't do the things you want me to do just yet. Not with good intentions."

"The road to hell is paved in them." Shizuru knew that phrase well. "And we bathed in that hell again tonight, didn't we."

"You're the one who does it, not me. I'm the one who's just forced to watch, as you let your memories dance in your eyes." Shizuru was devastatingly beautiful and Natsuki was in awe of the silky flesh under her fingertips as she trailed them under the warm fabric of her robe for merely a moment. "I can't compete with that. I won't be Anh's shadow, Shizuru, I can't be the one who replaces every bit of your broken heart." Natsuki still wanted her, still craved Shizuru's body pressing closely with hers, as they stripped away the confines of their clothes, relinquishing into the transgressions of their pasts. "Even if I wanted to do it, where would I begin?" There wouldn't be a place to start.

"I don't think I know." Shizuru agreed softly. "I'm sorry, Natsuki. I shouldn't have thought that you'd be the same."

Natsuki shook her head. "Hey, Shizuru...do you remember the same things I remember?" Natsuki said as her smile got just a bit bigger. "I can ask that, because you're still by my side after all of these years, even after all the pain we went through. You're still here." The woman's name slipped from her lips like a soft wave of calm, and for some reason, it couldn't have felt more perfect. "You know, when I was little, I used to make up these stories in my head, little games and things. I'd play out in my mind every fight I ever had, wishing I did things differently. When I came to this school, the one I thought about most, was the fight dad and I had."

"You told me about that." Shizuru nodded breathlessly.

"Then one day Shizuru, you were gone. Just like he was, and I just...I don't chase after the things I should." There was a glimmer there, one that was soft, a different type of flame. It wasn't slow burning, Shizuru wondered if it even burned at all, or if it was a memory left in the past, away from what she could reach. "So I let you go, but then, you were my new game. Late at night, you were the one I thought about. I couldn't get you out of my head. And I thought about all the things I would have done differently." Now Natsuki knew...the fury in Shizuru eyes had been a window, one that couldn't possibly be mistaken. "But...differently isn't real. We can't change what we did, we can only change what we do next time." That much, she knew deep down in her heart. "I don't need to take a chance."

She knew what she wanted, but that wouldn't have been a chance. That would have been giving in, giving up everything she stood on. Her moral high ground was something she took pride in, and to throw that all away...it would have never had anything to do with taking a chance. With a breath she didn't realize she was keeping in, she let the robe drift open only sightly as she looked at the trembling woman. Her shaking wasn't because of the cold. "I want you, Shizuru." Natsuki said as she cupped the woman's cheek, bringing her into a lazy, drawn out kiss that intoxicated her senses as her hands roamed over Shizuru's body. "I love you." She breathed when their lips parted ways. "So, because of that, because of what I want, I won't let my passion consume me." Even though she was growing painfully hard under the confines of her restrictive cloth, she forced Shizuru's hand to enter the tight band of her jeans where her desire was strongest.

Shizuru's blush was as furious as Natsuki's own as their eyes locked again. "I'm sorry I doubted your intentions." Shizuru said as she slowly pulled her hand away, her eyes darting to the floor. "I love you too, very much so."

"Then look at me." Natsuki said, turning the girl's face to meet her eyes once more. "Don't hide your emotions from me. I want to see them all." She wanted to be the only one to evoke such a look from Shizuru. It was uncanny, seeing the heated cheeks grow in color under her fingertips. "I want to be the one who makes you look like this, the only one who ever sees you, as I do right now." Her fingered fell slowly, hesitantly over Shizuru's flesh, down her neck, and even danced slowly across supple breasts as Shizuru arched to the touch. "Yet as much as I want that, I don't want to bring a life into this world, not when that life will incur the suffering of our uncertainty."

Shizuru swallowed back the lump in her throat, trying to cool down the heat in her entire body. "I understand." Her voice was clipped, but not in anger, but from frustration. "However, if my Natsuki continues to play with fire, I doubt she will have the luxury of waiting until she is properly prepared."

Chapter 25

'Cause I'm wasting time  
Now I'm wasting money again  
And all the cigarettes  
That I have never smoked  
And all the letters  
That I have never sent

Three long days had past since that night. Three grueling days of her inexplicable behavior. Today wasn't any different as she sat at her desk, biting her lower lip as she thought about recent events. Three days were torturous, but she had just arrived back from the visit with her doctor. That particular adventure an unpleasant one. Normally, she took pride in making jibes at the older woman's expense, she loved toying around, and seeing a blush on anyone could be considered priceless. The suggestive comments were really not so bad, and she could do far worse if she'd wanted on several occasions. However, on this day, she didn't play around.

Her request was one that startled her doctor, although, Shizuru did get the birth control as Natsuki wished.

Shizuru sighed as she looked at the small box in her desk, the pills themselves quite miniscule. Shizuru was a traditionalist at best. She wanted children, she wanted to do so in a future when she was prepared to do so. As a lesbian, sleeping with another woman, it would be her choice and it would be that easy. Natsuki's situation was quite odd though, and Shizuru found herself unable to turn to anyone else, had called Miss Maria into a private lunch meeting. It wasn't that she had wanted to talk with the elderly woman, but it wasn't as if Shizuru could speak openly about this. The mere idea of taking the birth control made her stomach turn, her come-what-may mindset something of a fatal flaw of hers.

Shizuru had explained everything, none too discreetly, and for the longest time, Miss Maria mulled over it within her own mind. Quietly she'd sat and thought about the matter before cursing quietly, feeling that she couldn't give a proper answer. She felt torn between the logical thing to do, and the strict moral codes that were engraved into her very being. Her heart went out to the young couple. Even so, the words she had couldn't offer comfort. She didn't have any sound answers in which she could give, instead, leaning more upon her own emotional wishes as a woman.

"As I'm sure you know, Natsuki has her reasons." Although, Miss Maria didn't agree with them. "I don't doubt her words, and she is right to be careful. However, I understand the plight of a woman willing to bear a child for the one she loves." She set her teacup down slowly. Her lips pulling into a faint, waning smile for a moment. "People can say that you are young, as you indeed are. You could stand to wait a few years, but I agree, Natsuki's fears are fueling such a wish. If she will indeed fill your womb with seed, after all, shouldn't she be willing to also protect the innocent soul that could follow?" That was the traditional view, outdated perhaps, but one Miss Maria held onto firmly.

Shizuru was the same way. "I would hope that she would." Shizuru knew Natsuki would have. Natsuki was being more than careful, she was being realistic. Shizuru knew that, but it didn't ease her feelings. "Is it really so bad, that she is the way she is, I mean?" That's what Shizuru had been unsure of, her mind was still muddled, trying desperately to grasp onto those facts. "If we had a child, would it be the same as her?"

"That, I do not know." Miss Maria had often felt lost with Natsuki and her trouble. There would never be an end to it, Maria was sure of only that. "However I do know Natsuki well enough to say, she works in ways many do not understand. She see this world in a vast array of colors, and she has gained much insight because of it. To live alongside of that is both a blessing, and likely the largest pain in the butt that you could ever imagine. The love the two of you share will never be something that can be explained away, as if the matter were trivial. However, the weight is not so great that you should be fearful of every little thing."

Besides, the real truth lay right before them, a pillar of difficulties left unspoken. Particular responsibilities were in Shizuru's future, and they were closer than Shizuru wanted them to be. Still she couldn't deny her parents, couldn't deny the future set before her. They'd wait for years if they had to, but Shizuru knew well, it would look poorly upon them, and upon herself.

"If I had been with a man, I would likely be with a child already." Shizuru said softly, even she knew the implications of marring a man. "There would be no protection involved, because the child would be an heir, it would be a gift for a child to be born." Any offspring of Shizuru's, would have the world on a silver platter, though the road ahead would be rocky at the best. "I am to bear a child one day anyway, as soon as possible under normal circumstances." Married right out of high school, with a man, she would have been on her way to being a mother, assuming all was well with her body. That would have been her family's fondest wish come true.

"Natsuki is most befitting, don't you agree." Miss Maria said then, standing from her chair. "Even if she would be unusual."

"Yes...indeed she is." Shizuru stood as well, placing her teacup and empty plate on the cart. "Thank you, your advice is something most valuable at times like this." Even though she said that, she still didn't feel any better. She ushered Miss Maria out of the office, waiting a few moments before she locked the door, sighing as she leaned on the firm, dark wood. Her chest felt heavy. She knew why Natsuki wanted to use protection, she even knew why Natsuki wanted to wait. She understood all of that, but the pangs of rejection hurt. The memories of Anh's words ran though her again, and doubt flooded her heart. In her mind, she knew Natsuki would not do the same things.

She wouldn't play with the hearts of others. She wouldn't dare try sleeping around. Natsuki had always been alone in such a way, so for the shy woman, being with anyone was new. Frightening in it's own way, Shizuru was sure. However, she too, felt the grim unknown grasp at her. She never knew what it was Natsuki was thinking, the woman was keen at deception. She had to be, Natsuki was forced to be that way, and it sickened her. Shizuru knew that, yet with every rise and fall of her breath, she still worried for Natsuki.

The memory of Natsuki's fingers dancing along her skin made Shizuru sigh heavily again with wants and needs. To just give in, and let go would have been wonderful. That fateful night would have been enough, she would have been just fine. She would have been happy. The consequences, if they occurred at all, would have been welcomed. To make a child would bind them together in ways they would never be able to escape, and Shizuru wanted that. Still, try though she might, she knew there would be no way to turn back the clock. As she glanced back as the pills again, she sighed, her own heart clenching. She knew it was for her own good, for Natsuki's well being. Yet, even so, she couldn't help but despise the idea.

Down the hall, she could hear Haruka bellowing about something, knowing that she was likely arguing with Yukino. The two of them were quite the interesting duo, Shizuru smirked at how many times she recalled fighting in their past. Haruka going off on a tirade, and Yukino stalling the outburst, doing her best to contain it as best as she could. Part of it was futile in effort, and everyone who knew Haruka knew that. In a small way, Shizuru knew Natsuki was the same. Strong, and very direct when she wanted something, yet, very easily overdone, her fury hard to manage once it was unleashed.

She frowned as she recalled the phone call she'd had to make.

She'd regret it if something bad happened, but she couldn't turn down a possible student. She had other student to enroll first, thankful that she could put one issue on the back burner, at least for a moment. Still, it was pulling at her mind, as she though about the student wanting to enroll. Who the child was, and what relationship, or lack thereof, she shared with Natsuki. The link between the two of them would only be as strong as the man who fathered them. She felt anger rise at that, a deep pity for Natsuki following soon after. Still, she could not turn the child down, though she may have wanted to do so. Her work would have to amuse her, at least for the time being, but that didn't mean she was happy about it.

Chapter 26

And he was sitting by the swimming pool  
But he was scared  
'Cause it wasn't his time, it wasn't his chance  
Getting older's not been on my plans but  
It's never late, it's never late  
Enough for me to stay

"It was such a mess in there." Nao sighed as she ushered Shizuru down the hall, and into the small janitors room. "Who the hell puts bubble gum inside of the door like that. If it would have been me, I would have covered the door and the hard wood floor with lube." She had done that in the past, and it made for some great entertainment, especially if she put it in the bathtub. "That ever happens again, call me as soon as you see it." She unlocked her door, shoving Shizuru inside. "So, you wanted to talk, so spill damn it."

"Yes well, you'll have to pardon my manners." Shizuru said as she sat careful at the messy, beer laden table. Thankfully there was a chair that wasn't stained. "It has been a stressful week, I'm afraid."

"Cut the crap." Nao growled, taking several large bottles of liquor and putting them on the table. "Glass, or bottle?" Nao asked, holding a full bottle of bourbon and a glass in hand. Shizuru opted for the glass, and Nao poured the strong drink into the little container, none to gently tossing in a few cubes of ice before swigging the warm liquid she had in her hand. "So then, why come here? Didn't your friends just move in down the hall?"

"They are a bit, shall we say, indisposed." Shizuru sighed, having already knocked on their door earlier that evening. "I didn't think it would be proper to disturb them."

"So you come in here instead, with a stick up your ass." Nao shook her head, pulling out her cell phone. "That makes perfect sense." She pressed her speed dial, calling Mai's phone requesting pizza and telling her to make it fast. Then they sat and waited around. It was a good thirty minuets before Mai got to the room, pizza in hand, and surprised to see Shizuru. That's when they talking started, as she presented the file in question to both Nao and Mai, knowing they'd have a better grasp about what to do. First there was anger, then shouting, Nao put a hole in a near by wall, which she'd have to fix later. Mai simply sat and contemplated, speaking calmly with Shizuru.

They sat there for a good hour, throwing ideas around, but it was still a fruitless effort. "Suppose I bring her home then, with me, when the school goes on holiday." Shizuru finally said, still searching for any possible answer. She couldn't believe she still sat inside the rather small, and unsavory room. "Show her what it means to be in a loving household." She swirled the brandy slowly as she reclined just a bit. How many drinks had she had? She couldn't remember, as her mind buzzed pleasantly.

"Are you high?" Nao scoffed, sitting nearly naked as she drank right from the bottle. "That'll just piss her off. That's not what Natsuki wants." It was her room after all, and she intended to be comfortable. Her white shirt was baggy, and barely hid anything when she moved, and her boxers weren't any better as she put her feet up on a nearby table. "She doesn't want to be shown what she doesn't have." At just the right angle, anyone who peeped would get quite the show.

"I'll have to agree." Mai sighed, thankfully fully clothed in her pajamas, choosing instead to drink only juice. "Natsuki's father upsets her. He changed so much after her mom died. She can't help but be upset." Mai's eyes lowered and she frowned thinking about that. "Natsuki, she feels so lost sometimes. I can see it, the pain every time she looks at the phone. I know she's thinking of her family, or what's left of it anyway."

"I just feel so bad for her." Shizuru couldn't help but let the pity grow thick in her voice.

"Don't pretend you suddenly care." Nao snapped, bolting upright, sloshing some of her drink onto the floor. "You can't understand people like us." Her forest green eyes shot Shizuru a nasty glance before cursing at the sight of the floor. She watched Mai as she blotted up the mess, but it didn't keep her rage as contained as she had wanted. "Our families threw us away. Hell, my aunt didn't even give a shit about me." Shizuru couldn't comprehend that. Her parents had always loved her, without question. "Broken homes don't just fix themselves. No matter what it is that you want to do, Natsuki has to face it someday. And I'll feel badly when that poor sap does, mind you. Still, it's gotta happen."

"Nao..." Mai could hear the pain in Nao voice and she wrapped her arms around the girl. This topic was a minefield. Her violet eyes met Shizuru's, and she smiled sadly. "Nao means well." They all did, but that didn't mean anything. It didn't stop the problems from forming, it wasn't a perfect world. "When I lost my mom, I'm the one who left. I couldn't face my little brother, you know? He always looked up at me, like I was the only one left in his life, and I just couldn't stand to look at him like that. When dad said there was a school for girls, I left, more so that I could be at a distance, so that I could run away." Mai had already learned the lesson well. "I had to visit every summer, and it never got easier until I accepted it. That mom was gone, and that I couldn't change that. It got easier, but it took a lot of time."

"Yeah, but your dad was still there for you, Mai." Nao reminded them both harshly. "Natsuki can't even talk to hers. Natsuki's dad is such an ass, leaving her here and forcing her to grow up alone. When did she visit him? Hell, when has he even come here?" The answer was clear, none of them had to say it. Nao did though, as if to drive the point home. "Natsuki was abandoned, she doesn't have a family any more. That kid, that's his daughter now." She spat with venom, slamming her fist down as she let out a shaky sigh. "He's such a jackass. It's bad enough to be left behind, you know? But to know that he made a replacement...that bastard!"

"Natsuki will be hurt." Mai said softly. "You can't avoid it. We can't protect her and she'll find out eventually."

Shizuru nodded at that, regarding the two women sitting across from her. "I never knew it troubled you so much." Nao was in pain, she could see that. The three of them shared the past in one way or another, and Shizuru wondered why she hadn't taken better notice of it before. "The burden you must have gone though, I can't even imagine." Then, in a quiet voice, she sighed. "I don't believe I would dare try." Apart of her wanted to say more about her troubles, her fears for Natsuki, but she couldn't bring herself to do it. Instead, she merely decided to set her fears aside. "I would like her to meet my parents though, so that my parents in the least know of my wishes."

"Speaking of that." Nao smirked a bit, sadly, but looking for a change of pace. "What the hell is wrong with that idiot anyway. She's been acting like she's undersexed or something." Mai gawked at her partner, before giving up entirely on scolding her, knowing it wouldn't do any good. "I mean, you two are together now, right? Did you ever think perhaps you should lock her in the office and do her proper?"

"Nao!" Mai shrieked, hitting her with a pillow. "Don't say things like that." She was fully aware that her lover had just insinuated something she shouldn't have. To their boss of all people besides. "For give her." Mai begged as she glared at Nao. "She's just being an idiot."

"No, she is quite right actually." Shizuru sighed with a smile splayed across her face, nodding in Nao's general direction. "Crass though it is to speak of, Natsuki and I have been having a few, issues, as it were. The fact is, I would very much like to take Nao's sound advice, but it simply isn't that easy." Shizuru saw Mai muttering under her breath. They all knew Natsuki was a handful, even as a friend. "Perhaps the two of you could tell me about why she's so...skittish." Yes, now that was the word for it.

"No damned idea." Nao shrugged. "She doesn't seem skittish to me." Then she wiggled an eyebrow, covering her head for the impending impact. "You do know she packs hard, like all the time right?" This time, she was slapped in the shoulder by Mai, but the look on the faces of her companions could totally be considered worth it. "You'd think she'd take you whenever, and wherever you wanted. Have you just asked her? Shoved her into a wall, and made a proposal she didn't dare refuse? I'm sure you'd get what you were looking for."

"Just because that works on me, doesn't mean it'll work on Natsuki..." Mai sighed annoyed the subject was still being talked about, shaking her head in dismay. "Like I said, you're an idiot." When she returned her attention back to Shizuru, she couldn't help but blush. Mai wasn't happy about talking of sex lives, but she couldn't help but be curious either. "I have to agree though, Natsuki's been acting weird recently. She keeps just pacing around, or ordering things she really doesn't want to eat. Did you know that yesterday she went the entire day and didn't even want mayo?"

"That is freaky." Nao answered back before grabbing another slice of pizza, looking at Shizuru in quiet offering. The woman of fawn declined politely for the second time that night, and Nao merely shrugged. "I'd hate to be a total bitch, but, did you ever think Natsuki could just be completely dense about that? She isn't exactly the smartest to begin with."

"She notices." Shizuru sighed, putting her glass to the side now that it was empty. Nao filled it to the top again without even being asked and shoved up back into Shizuru's elegant hands. The image of Natsuki seemed like a shadow as she looked into the depth of the glass. She knew the bottom was someplace, yet peering into the liquid, she couldn't see it. "Little things at first, then, bigger things, more overt in the way she gazes at me, or at the comments I make." It swirled invitingly, and the smooth bite was something she enjoyed as it slid down her throat. "I can see it in her eyes more and more. She surely isn't dense."

Nao just laughed at that, pulling off her top, leaving herself exposed as she rummaged to find a lighter, setting a cigarette into flame. She took a long drag and smiled. "You both noticed that too." She smirked pointing had her form, drinking deeply from the bottle. "But as I recall Shizuru, I don't eat you."

"Point well taken." Shizuru nodded with her eyebrows raised. She wasn't about to admit she enjoyed the sight. Shizuru knew Mai was, and idly, she played with the image. There was something dark about Nao, something exquisite about her careless, reckless attitude. Something alluring, although, she couldn't place her finger on what exactly it was. "However, last I recall, you get around." Perhaps it was the lack of inhibition, Shizuru considered. That Nao was comfortable enough, trusted others enough, to be so free with her actions.

"Only if I know them." Nao retorted back, wisps of smoke drifting from her lips. "If they're my friends, why not?" Nao shrugged, although it was Mai who she spent most of her frolics with. "That said, I don't just give myself away freely. Mai's been here, so has Natsuki. You're lucky you have her, you know. If she ever came to me, and asked me to do it with her, do you think I would decline?" They all knew the answer to the question, and Nao simply cackled at the unspoken answer. "But Natsuki wants more than I can give her, and she knows that. Hell, that's why we're best friends. Someone has to shove a foot up her ass, might as well be me."

"The same in reverse too." Mai said knowingly. She was so used to Nao's antics, her constant stripping, she couldn't have cared less. "Do you love her?" That was the loaded question of the night, Shizuru wasn't exactly ready to admit it so loudly in front of others, but she knew she couldn't just keep quiet either.

"Yes." Shizuru sighed, draining the last of the dark liquid from her glass once again, putting her hand over the top of it, stalling Nao from pouring more. "I love Natsuki a great deal. Everything about her, even her difficulties."

"Then take her with you to the next school board meeting. The administration has to go anyway, right?" Shizuru nodded, and Mai continued. "So take her with you, show her what she's gotten herself into, and stay with your parents while you're there. It'll be a great cover. A perfect one really. It'll give you guys some time away from here."

"Better yet, it'll keep her out of our hair." Nao grumbled. "I can't do jack shit when she's hovering over me, bored out of her mind. You really should just let her back into that office."

"She made more of a ruckus in the office than she does with you two around the school." Shizuru said conspiratorially. "Keep her out of trouble. I plan to have Yukino tutor her soon, but until then please. Just keep her from doing anything signature related."

"Yeah yeah..." Nao agreed. "Just as long as I get to slack off when people aren't looking."

Shizuru nodded desperately. "Just keep her away from the offices...anything else is up to your digression."

"I'll drink to that." Nao said again, and she popped open another bottle of liquor. "You too, Shizuru."

Chapter 27

'Cause I'm wasting time  
Now I'm wasting money again  
And all the cigarettes  
That I have never smoked  
And all the letters  
That I have never sent

It was early morning when Shizuru woke up in the armchair, dazed and confused. A migraine pounded in her head like booming thunder, the taste of booze on her lips. She was in her own dorm, her broken mind noticed that much. She could smell coffee being brewed and cursed that it wasn't tea. In the haze of her mind, she could barely recall the night before. Still she knew her activities weren't as innocent as she had wished them to be, but even so, she couldn't bring herself to fully recall the details. She could hear Natsuki quietly move about, and wondered what she was doing, but the room was spinning, and it made her feel queasy.

"Come on, up you go." Natsuki told Shizuru softly, picking her up bridal style, carrying her into the luxurious bedroom with silken sheets. Natsuki's room was comfortable, but Shizuru's was classy. A room fit for a queen in many ways, she realized. The artwork on the walls tastefully done, but the women who posed were quite a bit more reserved. Their bodies bare, but far more hidden. Only hinting at what could be within the temping folds of cloth. The painter was clearly skilled. Natsuki admired it before looking at Shizuru again, the woman holding her head in agony, the dim light still too much. "Thinking you could go shot for shot with Nao...you're an idiot." Natsuki growled quietly as she grabbed the cloth she had soaking in the cold bowl of water nearby. "Such a damned idiot." Her words were harsh, but her tone was gentle.

It felt like ice on Shizuru's burning head, and she tried her hardest to see the beautiful face gazing down at her. The cloth obstructed little, but her blurry eyes felt dizzy and she closed them soon after the sight. "What happened?" She ask groggily, sounding awful. She couldn't say she felt any better. She hadn't ever been drunk before, at least, not in quite the manner she'd found herself in during the night. "How did I get back here."

"Nao called me, in slurred stupidity no less." Natsuki told Shizuru bluntly, her annoyance unmasked. "You were so far gone, you started feeling up everything in sight. It was like Anh possessed your body or something." Nao had thought it was funny, although that part wasn't a surprise. "I walked in finding Nao completely ass naked, and you with panties on your head. How it happened I'll never know. Mai was just trying to keep Nao from starting an orgy." Shizuru opened her eyes surprised as Natsuki nodded seriously, her face a new shade of red that Shizuru had never seen before. At least, not that she could remember. "I couldn't keep you off me last night when we got back here. You kept grabbing me, and all kinds of crap."

"I didn't." Shizuru mumbled, her head now feeling even more foggy than before. "I don't recall any of that."

"You sure as hell did." Natsuki nearly yelled. "Drinking with Nao... how stupid can you be. You could have ended up doing things, Shizuru. Things you would have hated yourself for."

Shizuru closed her eyes trying to recall something, but failing as she fought back the guilt. "I went for some advice." Shizuru finally said softly, her voice cracking as she tried her best to sit up. Natsuki pushed her back down on the bed, not wanted the ill woman to exert herself. "I went to talk with Nao, because I knew she and Mai would know what to do." She held her head as the pounding got worse for a moment before sighing. "Was I really that drunk?" Clearly, she had been, and she searched for something else she could say.

"Nao told me that you were having troubles. That I was the dumb ass that was to blame, if anyone." Natsuki sighed, as she helped Shizuru to sit up. "She came to check in a few hours ago, after you passed out in the chair. She's no worse for wear, and she didn't think you'd have a hangover. No one dares out drink Nao. I'm probably the only one who can keep up, but even I feel like shit afterward." She pressed a few white pills into Shizuru's palm, and put a glass of water in her other hand. "Aspirins for the headache." Even then, Natsuki's touch had been soft, her sharp words blunted by her compassionate stare. "Miss Maria also told us to take the day off. Yukino and Haruka are covering for us. She has this insane notion that you are violently ill, and none of us told her otherwise. I promised I'd look after you, and call a doctor if you needed one. I don't think that's needed for a hangover though."

"I'm sorry, Natsuki. I'm sorry I did that." There wasn't anything better she could say.

"Don't be." Natsuki smiled softly, shaking her head. "I know what it's like, I just never knew you'd be the type to turn to that stuff in desperation. I guess I'm a bad influence."

"I'm the one who did it." Shizuru sighed, she wanted to be held more than anything as she reached out, seeking the warm embrace. "I'm sorry."

"Stop it." Natsuki said abruptly, pulling Shizuru closer. "Don't be sorry. It was just stupid, is all." How could she blame her though? "I want you to come to me. To look me in the eyes and tell me what it is that bothers you so much."

"It is a great number of things." Shizuru's admittance faltering as she felt Natsuki hold her even closer than before. "I can't find any place to begin." She closed her eyes, enjoying Natsuki's scent, as she felt hesitant fingers weave through her hair. "So I guess, I thought it best if I didn't in the first place."

"Why not Shizuru?" Natsuki asked her softly, a heated breath tickling the ear of the woman she held. "Why destroy yourself slowly. People who start that crap with Nao, well, they normally get stuck doing it over and over again." Still, even if that were the truth, she knew she often did the same. "If you really have to go shot for shot, let me be your shoulder, let me protect you."

"Even if you regret it?" Shizuru asked her back, not daring to look in Natsuki's eyes.

"If I ever do have regrets, they'll be mine to have." Natsuki answered in kind, laughing a bit when she saw Shizuru pull away in shock. "That's what you want me to say, right?"

"Do you really mean it?" Shizuru whispered, as she watched Natsuki smirk, looking over her as she felt herself being gently pushed down back upon the bed.

"What do you think?" Natsuki told her as she kissed her lips. "Now get some rest, or you really will get sick." She too rested her head on the pillow, raping one arm around Shizuru's shoulders, pulling her near again. "I'll stay, until you've woken up."

As Natsuki pulled the covers around them, she wondered if it really was that easy. If it was, she knew she'd find some way to make things difficult, just like she always had before. Her sins, her memories a reflection of how much she fought against the torrents in the past. Now though, she only wished to lay motionless, with this beautiful, woman. Seeing her drunk, unglued in yet another way, it made Natsuki laugh at that. Shizuru, she was totally and completely human, imperfect in every way. Something about that, even if it was ever so small, made Natsuki feel warmth in her heart as they rested in the gray light of the room.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I'm not in the habit of doing good lemons, I'm just...we'll lets just say they're a huge weakness for me. I'm not the best at them, in all honesty. I tossed some sprinkles of fun here and there in this chapter though, so we'll call that practice, so to speak. Thank you all for your continued support, it's what keeps me going on days when I can't seem to make words flow the way I wish they would. I hope you enjoy this chapter.
> 
> A/N#2: More edits...

Chapter 28

All work and no play made Shizuru a very grumpy person. She sighed again, looking at her plate, filled with delectable cooking, and yet, she couldn't find it enjoyable. For some reason, it tasted bland. Everything had been tasting that way recently. It was a day when in rare form, Haruka could actually leave Natsuki to do her work for once. There was little for her to do, and she noticed her friend was having trouble. She'd been waiting for the hot meal for hours now, and when it had arrived, Haruka had flung Shizuru's work everywhere, presenting the meal and telling her that today, they were to eat at their leisure. Yukino joined in too, albeit while frowning at Natsuki's documentation that had still not been completed.

"Honestly, how did you do this before we got here?" Yukino knew Natsuki had a short attention span, but some of her work could be considered worse than Haruka's. "The transcripts are mixed with the test scores, and the lunch menus are crammed into the same folder as the scholarships. How does that even happen?"

"When Natsuki is upset, she tends to gather everything together in haphazard fashion." Shizuru explained idly, more caught up in her reading than anything else. "I once found a sock inside one of the student handbooks."

Yukino looked at Shizuru then, a dumbfounded expression on her face. Then, she looked at her lover, who was also known to have a scatter brain. Still, even as she searched the depth of her mind, she could not find a day when Haruka had done something like that. She seemed speechless, and merely shook her head. "Of all the places..." She muttered to herself, though she was more confused than anything. Yukino returned to her work then, only keeping half an ear on Haruka's rambling.

"Speaking of Natsuki, she better be treating you good." Haruka wasn't exactly tactful, but she knew that now was just a good a time as any. "How's things with you and the delinquent anyway?" Haruka asked while happily chewing on some rice, her worry had not slipped in, but she knew Shizuru was still observant. She knew concern was the cause for such a tasty meal. "Going good, I hope."

"It has, indeed." Shizuru knew it hadn't sounded that way, her tone very doleful. She and Natsuki had been a official couple now for well over a solid month. Everyone knew they were smitten with each other, both in, and out of the office. It made Shizuru happy when she saw little notes on the office doors, sweet little nothings that ended in a secretive heart, or sometimes unsigned at all. Occasionally, Natsuki would take Shizuru to see a movie, although Natsuki normally looked bored, she did it for Shizuru benefit. She had been, to the best of her abilities, doing the best she could.

That made Shizuru burst with joy.

"What happened this time?" Haruka grumbled and Shizuru rolled her eyes. With every ounce of good came at least a tiny bit of trouble, but she had expected that at least. "Natsuki screwed something up, so what did she do?" She hadn't, however, planned for Haruka to be such a snoop.

"Well, it is a bit complicated." It wasn't, but that was putting the matter mildly. It was simply just frustration. "I wouldn't want to trouble you." Every great joy, came with it a deeper desire. The was the entire problem. "Besides, I find it to be personal." It was only so difficult because Shizuru made it that way, and she knew it. Still, she felt strongly about her position. Natsuki too, wouldn't back down. "Don't worry, regardless, Haruka. It is merely a trivial matter. It will pass over in due time."

"You aren't going to get past me ." Haruka said, pressing for information. "Don't give me that personal crap either, we've known each other since we could walk for gods sake. When I have a problem, I come to you. Now, you gotta do the same. I'm the one who asked you, so it isn't any trouble. So just tell me what's been driving you crazy."

"A blunt question will receive a blunt answer." Shizuru warned as her eyes dared Haruka to ask again.

"So what?" The blond scoffed. "Who cares, just tell me already."

"We haven't had sex yet." Shizuru replied calmly, watching was her friends both looked up from what they were doing. "See, I told you it was personal." Shizuru told them, she wasn't at all embarrassed by her admission, but she knew Yukino was. She watched Haruka sit there, unable to speak as she rubbed her face, likely in agitation, speaking under her breath. "Will that be all, Haruka?" Shizuru's queried dangerously. "Or, would you rather I put my naked fanny onto this desk, and let you deal with the issue?"

"Would you stop walking around with a stick up your ass?" Haruka shot back. "I'm just thinking, that's all." Thinking of what to say, of how to offer advice. Haruka had none, not for something like this. Haruka never had this type of predicament before, her affection to Yukino had always been accepted, and without question.

"Why would you want to think of my sexual encounters, or the lack of it?" It was a statement more than it was a question. Though Shizuru did wonder idly, in the back of her mind. She continued to eat, unaware that Yukino was still watching her, studying the troubled crimson eyes. Shizuru felt like she was going to burst if things kept up, and she also knew she wouldn't be able to keep her frustration contained much longer at this rate. "If you've had enough prying, I really do have a phone call I've got to make." She eyed the blasted number, knowing if she did call, she would be on the line with an enemy of sorts. Neither of her friends had any more to add, and so, they didn't stop her.

Part of her wanted to put the application through the shredder, pretending it wasn't there. Still, her job was her job, and she followed through, her fingers taping each button as if it were a knife, guilt stabbing into her. "Hello." A woman's voice had picked up, and Shizuru wondered idly if she was the child's mother.

"Good afternoon, my name is Shizuru Fujino, I was calling in regards to an enrollment application for Garderobe Academy." Shizuru began as she went over the file in front of her, looking at it with distaste. "Might you be the guardian of one, Alyssa Kuga?"

"Searrs." The woman grumbled rudely. "Her name is Alyssa Searrs. At least she will be, after I have my way about it."

"Oh, I'm sorry. Please, pardon my confusion." She was happy for being so good at lying right now, her voice pleasantly in tact, though her scowl showed the occupants in her office otherwise. "Did you fill out an application for your daughter?" She searched the folder, trying to understand the odd name. It didn't ring any bells, and she couldn't recall reading about it.

"Yes, my soon to be ex-husband did. His last name is Kuga." She told Shizuru. "So, has my daughter been accepted, or hasn't she?" The woman was trite in her address, eager to end this conversation promptly it seemed.

Shizuru felt the same. "There isn't any reason for us to reject her." Yet, although she wished to tell this woman off, she kept her voice calm. "However, before she can be fully accepted into the walls of this school, she must be accompanied my a parent to sign the proper documents. Could you bring her in by Monday of next week, by then, I will have made the necessary preparations." Kindness was on a thinning rope as she heard the woman mumble in the background.

"That's fine." Shizuru wondered what could be so insulting about a phone call. "I'll have her father go with her." The woman hung up, rather ill mannered.

The document before her eyes had given her information and she used it, but this woman, she had been something else. "I hope her daughter isn't the same way." Shizuru told her companions as she set down the receiver. "That woman was quite rude."

"It happens." Haruka shrugged. "Why do you think little hell raisers get to be the way they are. The parents are demons themselves."

"You know it isn't quite that bad." Yukino said then, looking at her lover. "Anyway, should we prepare for her arrival?"

"Yes...we should, regrettably." Shizuru sighed. "In more ways then one." Then Shizuru looked at the folder, in a rare show of distaste as she picked it up and flung it against the wall, sighing deeply. "Damn, I just wish we could do something to make this easier." The papers landed in the trash bin, and Shizuru didn't even mind. Instead, she thought about Natsuki, about the fact she would have to be told, sooner rather than later. "I'll have to warn her."

Haruka could see the deflated slumping of Shizuru shoulders, and for once in her life, she was speechless. Even if she had something constructive to say she knew it wouldn't have done much good. So instead, she simply and wordlessly picked up the file that was in the trash. Putting it back together neatly, she hid it the back of the file cabinet, away from the angry glint that seemed to burn into it, wishing to tear it into shreds. "I'm going to check on how Natsuki is with the lunch reports."

The click of the door into the small side office made Shizuru realize the finality of everything she'd done thus far. She sighed yet again as she rested her head on her desk, the rest of her work forgotten for the time being. Yukino didn't remind her either.

Chapter 29

"Natsuki...I need to talk to you, can you come out here." Shizuru called, knowing Natsuki was in her unused bedroom. Likely the woman was seeking privacy, the door was closed, and that meant it was probably locked. She heard a muffled reply as she went into the fridge to grab herself something cool to drink from the pitcher. Iced tea, instant perhaps, but it was better than nothing when she was on the move. She gulped it from her glass, crunching the ice in her mouth nervously. It was bad for her teeth, chewing ice like that, but it was one of her few nervous habits.

"What's up babe?" Natsuki asked, when she'd stepped out not a moment later, a stack of papers in hand, new transcripts she'd brought home with her for privacy. "Haruka was driving me crazy, so I just-" She saw that look in dark ruby eyes, a pained expression, and Natsuki knew well what it meant. "Shizuru..." She didn't think as she plunked her work down on top of the coffee table. "What is it, what happened?" Rushing to the woman of fawn, she could see guilt, it was one emotion Shizuru couldn't hide, not as she stood with her head hung low, sighing deeply.

"Listen, Natsuki, I don't know quite how to explain." There was a ring of condensation around her glass, underneath it was the folder. "So, I just, I thought if you saw..." Shizuru just shook her head. "Just look, see for yourself." Shizuru sadly, watching as Natsuki gently pulled the folder from under the glass, opening it, and slowly reading the pages inside. Shizuru waited for rage that never came. She'd expected, and partly wished Natsuki would blow a fuse, releasing the pain this truth brought.

She didn't...

Instead, she was unusually calm, her breaths were even, her eyes seemed unharmed by the daggers she'd been reading. "He's a bastard." Natsuki said softly. She saw the photo of the little girl, read the name, and saw in crystal clear black ink the intention of the paper. "He's doing the same thing to her." She put it back down, closing her eyes as it slapped back down on the counter. "She's just another student. It doesn't matter."

"His wife is still alive." Shizuru told her shorter lover, trying to search Natsuki's face for signs of anger, or lonely desperation. She couldn't find anything in the pensive, blank gaze that left so much unsaid. "It isn't the same. There is more going on Natsuki, but it isn't the same as it was for you."

Natsuki regarded Shizuru then, with a tinge of hurt in her eyes. "It may not seem like it, but it is." Natsuki knew better, he was a broken man after all, just like she herself, remained tattered from old wounds. She could mend them all she wanted, in the end, wounds were still there, reminders even when healed. "My father isn't the type of guy to bounce back from what happened. He tried to move on, because for him, it was the simple answer." But then, she just smirked. "But like I told you, even if you could do it differently, the fact is, sometimes we get stuck in endless cycles."

Her father, had left Natsuki here. There wasn't any denying that. Shizuru knew there wasn't anything she could say to that. "So, you think he's just repeating the same things he did in the past?" She wished Maria was here, she knew how to read Natsuki better, knew how to deal with Natsuki's father and his well of despair. "Why would a man like him do something like that? It's counter intuitive."

"He may be. Dad and I aren't known for being smart people. In fact, mom used to call him a idiot on occasion, because of the stuff we did when she wasn't around." Natsuki smiled a bit, though it was saddened, pain pricking at her eyes. "She laughed while she'd said it...but the truth is, without mom, we didn't have anything."

Shizuru nodded, thinking back about the phone call. "The woman, she sounded quite insipid." Shizuru had other, more colorful words for it, but she wouldn't dare try. "She held quite a bite, and she said a few things that irked me. More questions, and not enough answers." Shizuru thought about what the woman had said. Ex-husband, Shizuru didn't know what to think of that. Still, she didn't want to bring up the statement without knowing for sure.

"She was a bitch...wasn't she." Natsuki offered. "She's my step-mom, not that I know her...but dad wouldn't have chosen someone like mom. He wouldn't have been able to take it." Natsuki looked at the picture again, she'd seen a photo of the child when she was a baby...back when she'd been informed she had a step-sister, when she was still just a child herself. "She looks nothing like my mom...nothing like a woman dad would have picked. Not if he wanted a happy family." Natsuki shook her head, it was all merely theory. "My mom's hair, it was black. I take after her most, I think." The blond child in the photo, she wasn't quite the same. "She looks kinda like dad...but more like the woman in his wedding photo."

"I'm sorry Natsuki." There was the dull ache. The feeling of worthlessness. Natsuki would let such a face consume her often, especially when her father came up in conversion, and Shizuru hated seeing it. "I'm sorry he's such a horrible man."

"He really isn't though, is he?" Natsuki said, finally letting the tears fall from her eyes. "Not any worse than me..."

"Don't say that." Shizuru sighed, drying the tears as they dripped from pools of emerald. She let her fingers cradle Natsuki's face as she kissed the woman deeply, pushing herself closer to the inviting, embrace. She could taste the salt, and it inspired her to tangle her fingers into soft locks of midnight. Sighing as she broke the kiss, she dared looking into the eyes that burned with fiery tears. There was something about that look, that deepened gaze that finally snapped something, but of what, Shizuru couldn't be sure. She didn't care, with fervor she tossed her morals out the window, kissing Natsuki again. Tugging on the plain white top, tearing each and every button off the garment completely, letting her fingers pull the fabric away with out a care as it fell from Natsuki's body, shredded and forgotten.

She felt Natsuki lift her into the air, guiding Shizuru's legs around her narrow, yet shapely hips, grinding against her as they kept themselves entwined in the kiss. She was being pinned between the counter and Natsuki. The shorter woman palmed her shapely ass, supporting her as she moved away from the kitchen, stepping haphazardly as their kiss became sloppy. They didn't make it far ending up against the wall, sliding down to the floor none too gently, but Shizuru didn't care. She felt Natsuki growing hard, grinding her through damnable flannel trunks. Natsuki pressed the woman against her, gasping in both pain and pleasure as she hit her head on the wall when Shizuru bit into her lower lip.

Shizuru let a low groan fall from her lips in a heavy sigh.

That's when Natsuki froze. The room was brightly lit, almost too much for her liking, as she broke away from their kiss breathless as she gazed up at the cream colored ceiling. Her cheeks flushed from what had been a very passionate few minuets. "That was quite a bit heated." She teased as Natsuki trembled, shaking from what had just happened. "Wouldn't you agree?" Her eyes danced playfully, watching her partner.

"A little?" Natsuki muttered as she ran her hands through her long hair, pulling it out of her face. "If that was only a little, may god save my sorry ass if we ever do have sex." Speaking of that, or lack there of, Natsuki shook her head, feeling the hardness in her pants. It ached painfully, and she cursed. She knew Shizuru could feel it, her blood red eyes, both amused and filled with understand, telling her so. It was so tempting, yet so far away. "Let me up, Shizuru. I've gotta take care of this."

"Why not let me help you for a change?" Shizuru asked as she looked at Natsuki carefully, knowing that things were not always so easy. She knew the other woman was going to decline, but she just felt as if she had to try. "I'm sure it would feel much better that way, likely more gratifying." She pressed down on the erection, she had to admit, she wanted it just as badly.

"I'd rather not." They'd been over this, several times in fact. "Don't want to tempt fate. It's alright though, you don't have to worry about it."

"Yes, I do, Natsuki." One month...one glorious month, they'd shared together since Shizuru accidentally got drunk. "I want you to be able to trust me with something like this." One month of openly dating. Of going to movies, eating out, and keeping the idea of just sharing a bedroom. It had been wonderful, and Shizuru couldn't fault it. There was one thing though, one glaring reminder of the space still between them. "You don't think I'm going to be appalled or anything, do you?"

Shizuru still hadn't seen Natsuki naked.

"No, that isn't it." They didn't share baths together, and Natsuki refused to dress, or undress, in front of the woman. Sure, Natsuki would walk around in scant shirts and boxers, which could be considered nearly nothing depending on the occasion. Still, Shizuru had not yet seen, only felt, that which made Natsuki the person she was. "You like playing, and we can't." This was in a small way, Shizuru's own demise. "You won't take the pills, so it's better if we're celibate."

"Oh yes, because making me so wet, that I feel like I might be dripping, is being celibate." Shizuru sighed, she knew it. She knew she should have just done as Natsuki wanted, but she had her own pride too, her own goals, her own wishes. "Just wear a condom Natsuki." Honestly, that idea bugged her too. More than Shizuru wanted to admit, but if Natsuki wanted it, she wasn't going to deny something that simple. "It's not like they break that easily."

"You'd be surprised." Natsuki said looking at the woman she loved. "They don't break all the time, and most of the time, you're right, they don't." Natsuki shook her head, that wasn't the point. "It takes one time Shizuru. One time for it to break, one night of not thinking, and that's it." They went around this time and time again it seemed. "I mean, think about it, really."

"I am." Shizuru said as she knelt on the floor in front of Natsuki, her hands pushing against Natsuki's legs to keep her seated. "We're adults, if we both use some level of self control, everything will be fine." She quirked as eyebrow, seeing Natsuki twitch at the statement.

"I wouldn't call what just happened 'self control' though, Shizuru." Natsuki impressed upon that fact by pointing in the direction of her tattered shirt.

"We're both frustrated." She told Natsuki in return. "I doubt satisfying mutual needs will cause problems. Unless, of course, you really think I can get pregnant with it in my mouth."

Natsuki couldn't have turned more red, never before had she turned such a color. "Oh my god!" Of all the things she'd expect to hear, that wasn't one of them. "You don't really want to do that, do you?" She had her hand covering her face immediately as she'd heard the words. "That's dirty." Natsuki swallowed heavily as Shizuru's teasing fingers danced at the hemline of her sleeping shorts. Meaningfully, she felt that same finger trail lower toying with the button of her fly. Even though she was declining the idea, her body throbbed at such a feeling. Shizuru's fingers were clutching her through the fabric, and Natsuki nearly let out a yelp in response. Natsuki couldn't help but feel partly humiliated at the thought. The power this woman had on her... "Shizuru, no...you really shouldn't do that."

"A hand job then." Shizuru pressed again. "I touch you, then you touch me." She purred quietly. "Come on now Natsuki, that's a fair trade."

Natsuki's breath cough as the button came undone and Shizuru's hand slipped inside. "Oh dear lord." She shuttered, seeing the pleased, and slightly amused eyes of crimson peering into her her own. She had to bite into her knuckle, a sharp hiss escaping her lips as Shizuru gave a teasingly long stroke with her fingertips, and that's when Natsuki grabbed Shizuru's wrist panting heavily. "Why do you insist on playing with fire?"

"Why indeed..." Shizuru sighed then becoming a bit doleful at that. "Because, my Natsuki, I want to burn." That was the feeling she felt after all, her core scorched with need. Even so, even if it was the passion that drove her, there was more. "I am that type of person after all." Still, Natsuki's gaze was something else, it was cool. Slowly, one by one her digits released Shizuru's wrist, as if in she was surrendering to Shizuru's unspoken plea.

Natsuki nodded then, though she couldn't look Shizuru in the eyes. "I...uh...I like it firm...and slow."

Chapter 30  
(POV, Natsuki)

Her fingers had gripped me as if they owned me, running up and down my length, by that time, it was nearly as painful as it was pleasurable. I hate prolonging that feeling, some people like it, I don't...I'm just not like that, I've never been the type to really yearn for something as primal. I guess I'm not that all of a romantic. I conditioned myself to be that way.

The step for some might have been small, I know that Nao said I was a pansy when she asked me just what had gone on. I still can't believe I told her, but you know, I needed some help. The night was overwhelming, I was feeling a bit...well, I can't really explain it. That night, I wanted to just run away, when Shizuru showed me that damned file. Then, she kissed me, she took at pain away, and I felt like I was high, but, it wasn't like the drugs I used to toy around with.

It was pure and filled with love.

There are times Shizuru pisses me off, I mean, to the point where I'm just in a bad mood all day long. Her teasing, her crimson eyes as she pokes fun at my expense, her tone as she laughs...it really does annoy me. She's better about that though, now that she understands that she doesn't need to tease me...at least not in order to make my face as red as an apple. Then again, as much as she makes me mad, or drives me nuts, she also confuses me. Shizuru is a very forward thinker. I'm, well in relationships, I'm not. I just don't have the background others do. I kept to myself mostly, even when I did have friends, I couldn't really say the things I wanted, not all the time.

I'm not Nao after all, which, I would like to consider a blessing.

Still, the sadness of my past, the feeling of Shizuru's body pressing into mine, the urge to melt into her, to become one single being...it sounds stupid...but I wanted that. I wanted the pain to strike me like a thousand knives, just so she could take me away from my inward prison...just so I'd never have to let her go. I lock up, freeze, or panic a lot, sometimes, I don't even know I'm doing it. She hadn't ever touched me before, not like she did, anyway. Every sigh I made enticed her, encourage her to do more, to help me find my release.

She did that.

Her core, it was slick with wetness, the heat was intoxicating, but she wouldn't let me enter her. I think she may still be, well I know she is, but I thought girls could break it in other ways. Either way, Shizuru is still very much intact, and that, well, lets just say that drove me crazy...feeling the hot moisture I couldn't have for my own as it collected on my fingertips. She was so far gone by that point, it didn't take much anyway.

It was a small step, for some...but for me? No. It wasn't small. It was a gigantic leap of faith, one I took, should have taken sooner. Thankfully, I landed on the other side. Why am I always so lucky? I guess I'll never know.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Happy Halloween (or new year for some of you) I hope your festivities were of fun times. Those of you who were dealing with the hurricane, my heart goes out to you, and I hope you've been kept safe. That said this chapter is being updated after my wonderful family and I had a few good laughs, and quite a few shots (after the children went to bed, of course) so I do apologize if I happened to miss anything spelling error wise. Thank you to those of you who have been following since the beginning, and to those of you who have been lending me your constant support through each chapter. For those of you new followers, I hope you're enjoying the adventure thus far.
> 
> Don't own Mai HiME or Mai Otome
> 
> A/N#2: More edits...

Chapter 31

Sleepless nights and bad moods could only go on for so long. It was both a gift, and a horrible problem that the days passed with anticipation.

Shizuru though calm and collected, wasn't in the least bit amused about the meeting that would be coming up, and she knew her life would be a flurry of activity once the exams for the teenaged students were over. Exam month was always such a difficult month for everyone involved. If it wasn't that, it was placement tests for the younger students...another trial in and of itself.

Haruka was busy maintaining order in the halls, the students as unruly as ever it seemed. Yukino had begun her crash courses in helping Natsuki learn the role of her job, and all that it would entail. That left Shizuru with a lack of anything promising to do. Sure, she had student files to oversee, a few teachers to reprimand for insubordination, and the occasional problem student, who were by and large ones Haruka refused to deal with.

Miss Maria hadn't the time to trifle herself over every little thing, she'd been too busy consoling the young children, who were, by this point in the year, pinning over their families, and missing them greatly.

It was a routine that had carried the uneventful week along with it's normal distaste. It could, after all, be far worse. It was a truth they all knew, but refused to accept. Natsuki herself, was a basket case, and everyone expected it, Mai and Nao did their best to keep her busy after the work for the day had been completed. Shizuru corralled the meltdowns, which seemed to be an every night occurrence. Miss Maria, as always, played the mother hen that Natsuki had never had, and conspired at every chance to become the solid protector, and witty provider when Shizuru found herself unable to deal with Natsuki alone. Still, as difficult as it seemed to be, there was redemption among the dilemma.

Monday rolled around quicker than expected.

The day seemed to drag on so slowly, the usual ruckus echoed through the halls of the school, while Yukino, Miss Maria, and Shizuru all attempted to keep everything in working order. It was no easy task, but, it wasn't ever meant to be, Shizuru assumed. Still, as she sat lonely inside of her spacious office, she tried desperately to hear what was going on in the next room. Yelling would have been better, she would have proffered it. At least then she would know how to deal with everything. Muffled voices from beyond the door offered little in the way of clues.

One father, one daughter...both likely at odds.

They had come in an hour ago, sitting in the waiting area, Miss Maria reflected, it was as though history found itself repeating. Sure, the suit the man donned was of better quality. The little girl found herself in a long, black dress, frilly and proper, still there was something oddly ghostlike about such a scene. It was as if a phantom of the past had, in some magical way, reared it's ugly head. Then the series of meetings took place, ones that were far more strict, being the fact the child wished to join midyear. First, it was the group orientation, which went flawless, despite Natsuki's glaring, and her father's surprise. He'd had no idea, after all, that his daughter was part of the faculty.

Then, the one on one meetings began, and those had gone without issue as well, that is, until Natsuki's turn had come.

"Alyssa, could you please go introduce yourself to the headmistress." Natsuki asked the child as politely as she could as she sat behind her desk. "I'd like to speak with your father alone." She pointed to Shizuru's office. "If you ask her really nicely, I'm sure she'll be happy to show you around a little bit." She'd done her best to keep calm, but now that her father had brought in all of the signed the paperwork, she felt bile rise in her throat. It sickened her, and now she wanted a few words. The little girl shyly nodded, and had scampered through the side door.

It wasn't any sooner that the door clicked shut that she huffed out a breath of air. "Just what the fuck is wrong with you?" She felt powerful for once, sitting in her chair as though she owned the world around her, then again, she wasn't at all the meek and mild little girl she had been in her past. Her father had aged quite a bit it seemed, though she hadn't paid any mind to the tired look in his eyes, and the deep frown that had seemed to etch its way across his face...chiseled in it for all eternity.

"Nothing, I'm perfectly fine." Her father sighed, looking at his offspring, who was now fully grown. "I'm just doing what I feel is best, that's all." He had made a mistake, assuming she was a student, the time had gone by before his eyes. His daughter was not so young any more, and her eyes gifted fury, but also deeply seeded wisdom. Her gaze had bore into him for several hours now, and the only time she ever seemed to calm herself was at the side of the headmaster. The implications hadn't gone unnoticed, but who was he to begin to question the morals of his child? He had expected after all, that she would forge a life of her own from the ashes. "I now have all the proof I need, seeing you as I have." It was the very idea that fueled his actions as he gifted Alyssa the same fate.

Natsuki was his living proof, his solid evidence that though he may have failed as a father, he had not failed in his judgment. His theory was tangible, right in front of his very eyes. Natsuki could not have done a better job for herself, having risen above such a difficult path. "It takes a strong woman to build a strong man, to support him, and see his rise to victory." It was something his father had told him as a small boy, and now he knew, Natsuki's strength must have also come from the same place, though she may not have been completely that of a man. "It also takes a strong woman to nurture young women, and see that they grow up soft and gentle creatures." He killed two birds with one stone.

"A kid is still a kid." Came the calm, darkened retort. "Kids need their fathers, regardless of the women in their lives. Any child, male or female, can benefit from a strong male figure to help guide them." Though she said it, she had partly agreed with him. Natsuki knew she hadn't belonged in his care. Miss Maria couldn't have done a better job, though the pain of that reality didn't ebb her hatred of him. "You're such a bastard." Natsuki told him, the ease in which she said it, surprising even herself. "What's wrong? Is she not good enough for you, or, is she a freak like me?" Natsuki was so angry that she could only see red.

Still, he'd sat there through the entire orientation, smug, acting as if he was contented with his choices. She couldn't be bothered by the likes of him any more, and she knew he felt the same way about her. He'd given up, they both had. Neither one of them would extend any sort of apologies, it was far to late to go back and reverse the damage they'd both done.

Natsuki knew well, he was not the type of man to forget his mistakes.

"I never thought that you were a freak." He told Natsuki quickly. "However, if your question pertains to her gender, then yes, I could say that she does share your qualities. It runs in the genes, I'm afraid." He cursed then, running a hand through his short head of hair. "You've missed out on quite a lot." He told her, though he dared not look as shameful as he felt. "There is more to this than meets the eye, Natsuki. Although, I doubt explaining my position will give me any sort of favorable outcome." They both knew that. "Either way, you'll find a way to hate me."

"So that's what you want, is it? My damned forgiveness?" She was the spitting image of her parents, both of them in her own ways. Still, it was her mother that remained Natsuki's emotional strength. Likely, it was her greatest weakness too. "As much as I honestly don't give a damn about her home life, I do work here, and I require some measure of family history. It just so happens, my shit gets dragged along with it, no matter how much I hate you." Still, the file that sat between them hadn't been opened, Natsuki didn't want that responsibility. "She's my sister, and I'll ask her what I want to know...but from you...I just have one question before I kick you the hell out of this office." That's why the question she held didn't have anything to do about their shared father. "Tell me about her mother."

Natsuki scowled when her father shook his head, denying the information.

"Her mother is angry with me. She threatened divorce papers." The eldest Kuga said. "She isn't the best mother in the world, and I don't want Alyssa involved in a messy home life. She'll be here, where I can guarantee she'll be safe." Why? He couldn't say, but, he saw the same question reflected in the eyes of his eldest child. "I'll do my best to keep my marriage together, so that both of my children will have a home in which to return, although, I know you don't want one."

"Neither will she if you just leave her here!" Natsuki roared, finally standing from her desk, her eyes flashing dangerously. "Who are you dumping your kid on this time James!" She never spat his first name like that, never even gave him the time of day until now. "Who do you think will watch out for her, makes sure she gets the things she needs?" Those weren't the real questions Natsuki wanted to ask, and they both knew deep down, her rage was pure pain and little else.

Her father didn't budge. Didn't back down from the gaze that dared him everything, questioning his conviction and his backbone. Anything and everything he stood for, as Natsuki waited for his plea. Still, as much as she wanted to see him crumple in defeat, he didn't give her the pleasure. "You will." He said simply enough. "I was going to put my stock into the head master. However, since you're here, it would better suit the needs of the family. You will do it." It was as if he could feel the heat of her anger upon him. "You'll understand her in ways I'll never be able." Yet he was so cold of a man, not even the fire in her eyes could melt his heart.

It was a stare down then, as the two of them sat there, watching and waiting. Somehow, it always turned out like this. Things that couldn't be said weren't, things they both wanted to say were left forgotten. Someone had to throw in the towel, that's just the way it had to be, and Natsuki knew sooner or later, it would be her. "She doesn't even know me." Natsuki finally said.

"Sometimes I wonder if that really is for the best. You struggled through just fine on your own. I was never needed." Her father stood and picked up his briefcase. "I won't begin to pretend I've been a proper father, I know better than to try." Still as he walk to the door, there was nothing to halt the finality of everything, the reality set into his broad shoulders. "Her mother doesn't want her." He turned then, giving his eldest one final glance. "She's just using your sister as a way to manipulate me. This is the safest place for her, she'll grow up safe, and she'll never have to know about our fighting. Her mother and I, we both agreed." He wasn't going to come back, and when he walked out of her office she let him go.

She didn't know why.

Perhaps it was because she was so used to it. Maybe it was the way she'd given up hope on him years ago. Either way, Natsuki knew she hated him for some reason. He gave up easily, let go of things as if they were unimportant. She wondered how a man like that could live with himself. His implication hadn't been lost on Natsuki either, about how he had put his stock in the school. As if they could properly raise Alyssa. As if they could even begin to understand what that child, rather what every child needed. It wasn't the best thing, hell it hadn't even been sloppy seconds.

Her mother didn't really want her. Their father didn't have it in him to raise a child by himself. It made Natsuki feel ill. What had just ran through her head, the list of excuses she'd been expecting, that hadn't been one of them. Who would want someone like them, after all? Someone so different, so odd and obscure, someone so not...normal...yes, that's what it was, now wasn't it? They deviated from the normal path, even if they hadn't wanted to be that way, even Natsuki's cause, her reason for who she was, it was all placed on the table.

Genetics were a twisted mistress...Miss Maria wasn't any replacement for a proper family, it wasn't something she could do, though god knew she had tried her best.

Natsuki found that fury made time speed by, though her thoughts seemed to be as slow as a snail. She struggled for an answer, a way to ebb her mounting memories. Her wounds that had closed, healing over as little more than scars of her past had been sliced open, and with a venomous blade no less. A wandering mind found no solace within the depth of itself. Her body was numb, her mouth went dry, and though she'd been sweating profusely, she found she felt cold, the shivering in her spine more about her fury than anything. She couldn't find purchase in her father's logic. Even if she had turned out well, it hadn't been any thanks, any credit, to a man like him.

One so cowardly, that he couldn't even be there for his own children.

Natsuki never noticed that the woman who had protected her, loved her when no other adult would, had come to stand at her side in wordless support. The shadow of Miss Maria more of a comfort than anyone would begin to guess. "Mr. Kuga just left." Miss Maria told her charge, watching as the frown marring Natsuki's face grew deeper. "What will you have me do with Alyssa's bags?" Her tones were softer than usual, kinder...the stern tone in her voice seemingly gone. Natsuki just sat there numbly, even as the older woman pulled out the rooming arrangements, looking for an open bed. Natsuki sighed, pulling the book away from Maria, giving her an exasperated look, though she hadn't said a word in answer. "Do you have an assignment in mind?" The elderly woman asked, though she knew where this was headed. It was a futile effort, but it was something she still had to try.

"She's my sister. I'm not going to put her in the dorms with the other kids." Natsuki felt lost, unbearably so. She'd be damned to let her past be repeated though. "She'll be staying with Shizuru and I. She can have my room."

"I would advise that you reconsider such a plan." Miss Maria began slowly. "The students will notice that she's being given special treatment. It would look questionable at best." She knew such a statement went unheard, her efforts would be in vain. "There are other places she can stay, with children she would probably end up befriending."

"Her entire life's been questionable. One or two more fingers pointed at us won't hurt." Natsuki muttered, putting the book inside of her desk. When you were like them, after all, how could you not be questioned, and within that, question the world around you in return? The answer was simple, it was near impossible. "You know, the only thing I ever wanted in my life was a family that loved me." She let her fist connect with the table, shaking her head. "He didn't even ask me how I was doing. He was so different, like he wasn't even the man that I knew." She let it connect again. "To think he's our father...and that little girl had to deal with him."

Over and over again, she let her fit hit the desk. Natsuki couldn't feel the pain she knew should be there. "To act as if this was just a passing phase." Her words fell from her lips try though she might, she couldn't quell her fist, or her fury. "Acting as if I was a stranger...and he just left her...on her own." Finally an elderly hand stopped her from hurting herself, and Natsuki's emerald eyes looked up, seeing something she hadn't expected.

Deep pangs of remorse etched deeply into a face normally as cold as stone. "Alright." Miss Maria conceded, looking at Natsuki's reddened hand. That one word was both an order for Natsuki to stop her actions, and a loving request from a nurturing woman. "I'll move her in with you, for now." She still didn't think it was a good idea. "Just be careful, you don't know what you're getting into."

"Oh yes I do." Natsuki whispered heatedly, fury still in the edges of her voice. "Nothing less than a shit storm."

It was true in a way. Shizuru had expected it to become a complete cluster of difficulties. She didn't however, expect Natsuki to fall pray into her father's plans so easily. She'd hadn't found out about Natsuki's decision until she returned to her room that day, Natsuki gathering things from her room and putting them into a pile in Shizuru's, all the while scowling in displeasure. "Don't be pissed." Natsuki said in passing as she shoved most of her clothes into a haphazard pile in the corner. "I know this is way beyond screwed up, but just let it happen."

Of all the things she was however, Shizuru couldn't say that anger was one of her current emotions. Although, some place deep within her heart, she had the urge to strangle a particular man, she knew she would have to disregard it. "I left her with Mai for now, Alyssa's eating lunch." Shizuru could see the swirling of tightly wound anger, mixed with worries Natsuki hadn't even begun to process. "I thought you would approve, and I also figured it would give us some time to talk."

"Whatever." Natsuki grumbled, although inwardly she was happy to know her young sister would be in good hands for the moment. "I just gotta get this place clean so she can use it." Clean was a figurative statement though, and they both knew it. Natsuki kept her room as clean as a whirlwind. Shizuru frowned knowing her once luxurious bedroom would soon look like a sty. "Then, she can move her crap in here, stay with us."

"Are you quite sure?" Shizuru didn't know if this was the best idea. "I really don't want to make things difficult on the poor girl. Why don't we just let her stay in her own room." She sighed then leaning on the wall nearby, fiddling with the reading glasses that she had perched atop her head. "Garderobe has made accommodations before for that." Shizuru was stating the obvious, but she still felt Natsuki had been over looking that fact. "Segregating her from the student population may very well cause more harm than good."

"Right." Natsuki sighed, rudely tossing her box of inordinate nicknacks onto the floor in Shizuru's room. "Leave her to wallow in self pity." She licked her lips, the bile rising again. "What is it that you people don't get about my choices in the matter? Why are you all so freaked out about the choices I make in my life, and now, my sister's?"

"You see, my Natsuki, you have a gift for rash reaction, often times without thinking." Shizuru smiled softly. "I don't doubt this will be a fine idea, but Natsuki, as good as an idea that it could be, it could also be difficult." Garderobe had rules about things like this. All students had to be treated fairly, never mind the fact Natsuki knew very little about children. "She may simply be better off staying with someone her own age, so that she cam make friends. You and I did, after all."

"Dad wants me to watch her." Natsuki finally breathed, the malignancy in her words couldn't be mistaken. "He's dumping her off here, Shizuru. If she wants it this way or not is beyond me, but he has no intention on coming back." She ran a hand through her hair, anger lacing her voice both broken, and heated. "So, I'm going to do what that bastard can't. I'm going to give her a family, or what little I can." She wasn't doing it for her father, in fact, she wished little more than to spite him. "She's not going to be alone, I won't let her be."

"And what do you think you can offer her, Natsuki?" Shizuru searched emerald eyes for something, but she couldn't see anything clear. "What can you give her?"

"A family that's dysfunctional as hell." Natsuki grumbled as she continued to move her things. "But it's still a family, and that's better than what my dad's done."

"She doesn't know." Shizuru said abruptly. "She hasn't figured it out yet, Natsuki. That may be for the best." She'd spent some time with the girl, getting to know her, and Shizuru realized quickly Alyssa had no idea who Natsuki was. "You can ease into this slowly, you don't have to jump head long into this."

"Yes." Natsuki said with finality. "I do." It was the last box...her old room was now empty. "We can't just be happy that she has no idea. I'm not that much of a coward. I'm going to give her a family...I'm going to make things right."

"You're not going to reconsider?" Shizuru asked then, softly, unsure of Natsuki's meaning. Though their living area was more cluttered than before, it was Natsuki's words that were messiest of all. Shizuru didn't know what to think, even if she felt that little pang in her heart. Hopeful dreams aside, Shizuru felt her heart flutter.

"You're the one always complaining that we aren't close enough." Natsuki spoke truthfully. Shizuru had wondered, and often complained about that. "You want this too, Shizuru, so you've won. We get to play house, and we have at least eight years ahead of us, better not get bored and leave." Though, Natsuki would totally understand if Shizuru backed out, she knew the woman wouldn't even think it, let alone do it. It was then that she grasped the handle of the door, sighing deeply in defeat. "When I come back, that kid is going to walking through the door with me, you'd better be ready."

Chapter 32

Alyssa sat there, a small sundae in front of her, as she sat talking animatedly with Nao and Chie, her eyes of blue shimmering with delight.

What had she been missing this entire time? Natsuki couldn't say she knew. Still, there was something about just watching them, taking in the sight of this little girl, her family. Blond locks of long hair held up by ribbons framed her face, and idly, Natsuki wondered if Alyssa had been given the same kindness, the same happiness, that their father had lavished her with...right before she'd been left to fend on her own.

"She's such a sweetie, Natsuki." Mai said as she leaned on the counter that separated the kitchen from the eating area. "So cute...it's hard to believe you're related, you know?"

Then again, she hadn't been entirely alone, had she? "Yeah, I figured..." She'd had her friends, they were like family, they were more than enough. Better than what her father had given her. "Nao isn't teaching her anything bad, is she?" Even if Nao had been, Natsuki wouldn't have minded.

"Why do you think Chie is over there." Mai sighed with exasperation. "They came to mooch some food, so I told them to keep her company. She can really pack it away, like you in that way."

"Mai...do you think, I'm doing the right thing?" That's what Natsuki didn't know about. Her heart ached seeing this little girl. "I wasn't ever there for her, I never even held her in my arms when she was a baby." Her eyes burned with tears, it was a reality she didn't want to face. "Now look at her." Where did the time go?

"You can be there for her now." Mai said softly. "You aren't her mother Natsuki, you're her sister...her older sibling. It's our job to look after them when our parents can't." Still, Mai felt her own guilt wave through her. She'd run away from her problems too, after all. "There are times I wish I could have gone back and done a lot more for Takumi, but I came here instead." There wasn't anything they could do about their past. "She'll learn to understand, because that's just the way things are."

"What if she doesn't?" Natsuki asked then, looking at the laughing group at the table. It seemed as if Alyssa didn't carry any of the burdens Natsuki had at that age.

"She will." Mai said as if it was an absolute fact. "She'll be alright Natsuki. She's just gotta be."

Natsuki nodded with a sigh. "Just like we had to be."

Natsuki strode over to the table, sitting down in one of the seats that had a high back. The table itself made of finely crafted wood, though some students had already carved their names into it, Natsuki wasn't surprised. There was once a time when she had done the same, Natsuki even had the photo to prove it. A pocket knife of Chie's is what had left their names embedded within the wood. It was ironic, in that way, that Nao was showing the girl how to carve letters. "Nao..." Natsuki said abruptly. "I don't believe that you should be corrupting our new student, do you?"

"Buzz off, Kuga." Nao grumbled, and she didn't even pay her friend any time of day, still holding the knife steady, teaching the little girl the finer points of knife work. She was stopped when Natsuki's hand fell over the two others. "What now, can't you see we're busy? Go ahead, tell her kid." The little girl hadn't said anything, her eyes fixated on the tall woman next to her. "Hey kid, you okay?"

"She'll be fine, Nao." Natsuki said, though she removed the knife from the thick wooden table. "Can you give us some time to ourselves." Natsuki said then, not a request, but an order, handing Chie's knife back to her. The others didn't need to be told twice as Mai gave them all an expectant look from the kitchen. They left the two siblings alone, though, Natsuki wasn't sure what to say, now that one of her idiot buddies has spilled the beans. "Hey..."

"Kuga?" Alyssa said then, her eyes knowing, even as she asked the question. "Natsuki...Kuga?"

"Yeah." Natsuki nodded. "Dad didn't tell you?"

The little girl just shook her head, her eyes wide in understanding. "You don't look like your picture." Granted, even Alyssa knew the photo album back at the house had been several year older than anyone would admit. Still, she hadn't expected Natsuki to be so much older.

"Dad's an idiot like that..." Natsuki shrugged, a little bit of her annoyance seeping out. "He must have rocks for brains sometimes, at least, that's what I think." Alyssa's name was incomplete, and Natsuki shook her head, taking the steak knife that was on the table. "This is sharp enough." As she began to trace the lines Nao had began, she found it easier to look at her current work in progress, instead of her little sister. "I graduated recently...got a job...never went back home."

Alyssa watched as Natsuki worked on the carving that could be considered vandalism. "He said...you went here. As a student." She was lacing her fingers in her hair, twirling the golden locks as she thought about it, and regarded Natsuki for a moment, before dropping her eyes back onto the knife's movements. "Why didn't you come home, and visit?"

"It wasn't my home." Natsuki explained while finishing Alyssa's name. "Why would I visit a place I don't belong?" Natsuki knew her sister was confused, and Natsuki just sighed. "You know dad isn't coming back, right?" It was a small frown, but Natsuki knew Alyssa had the same idea. As she began to carve Kuga into the wood, Natsuki just did her best to ignore the sadness. "Hey...it's alright." There wasn't any good way to say it, any good way to think about the implications. "Dad thinks I'll be able to take care of you better...that I can understand you, a little better than he could."

"Mom hates me." Alyssa seemed more than a little stern. Natsuki hadn't wanted to hear a tone from one so young. "That's why, he decided to leave me here. He said I would belong here, better than at home." It was troubling, her words not harsh, only utterly depressing fact. "Mai and Nao, they're really nice." It was a weak attempt to change the conversation, but Natsuki still accepted it.

"They're like family for me. They're why I never came to visit. Mai may be really flighty and annoying, but she's a good person. Nao, well, she's just a pain in the ass, but she grows on you." They all did, clinging like glue in the worst of times, making the best of times amazing. "Do you like Chie?" Alyssa nodded, and then Natsuki bit her lip. "What about Shizuru?"

"The headmistress?" Alyssa asked then, unsure of that was the right person or not.

Natsuki nodded, a small smile playing on her lips, hope within her emerald eyes. "Do you like her?"

"She's nice enough." Alyssa said slowly. "She likes teasing people though. Really pretty, but daddy would say she's nothing but trouble."

"Yeah, she can be." Natsuki burst out laughing. The description was oddly accurate. "I live with her in the same dorm. She and I, we both help run the school." As soon as the laughter came, it had also gone away, and Natsuki didn't know if she should say what she wished she could. "Listen, I know what it's like, being dumped here without anyone to rely on, feeling like shit, because you can't do anything about it. I had to make my own family, and it isn't perfect. Actually, it's pretty messed up when you think about it, but, I want you to be apart of it, my family...and not dad's. In my eyes, dad never was family, or rather, he isn't anymore."

"Is it really that easy?" Alyssa asked, her blue eyes hopeful, and yet, the unmistakeable fear laced her eyes.

"Yes..." Natsuki said after finishing the last name. "If you want that." Gently, she put down the knife, looking at her handiwork. "There are times I know I'll mess up big time, and others when I should give a damn about things, and I might not." Natsuki sighed then, realizing the storm she'd invited, but it was odd, in her eyes at least, that she didn't find it disturbing. "I can't protect you, not from everything, if you are like me. I just don't want you to be alone."

Chapter 33

Natsuki had brought Alyssa back with her, and after the new student got situated in her room, she went to bed that night without a care in the world, or so it seemed.

Natsuki wasn't so at ease. Then again, when was she? Her entire life had been riddled with turmoil, even if there had been bouts of joy and happiness laced within it. It was late at night, and her own stress had carried on into the depth of sleep. It had also woken her up with more than just a little frustration, anger, and depression. The hardness that throbbed in her pajamas wouldn't go away, and without much else she could do, she had let her desire take over.

Safely concealed under soft, silky sheets, she'd let herself free of her confines, her fingers running down her length in slow, firm movements. Each stroke provoking more desire than the last, and it was all Natsuki could do, keeping her breathing even. She knew Shizuru didn't mind when she did this, and yet, not even that helped her relax. "Shit..." She muttered through clenched teeth. She couldn't do it alone any more, she just could quell her own emotions, having become so utterly lost in the care and love of another.

Every cuss and hiss she made hadn't gone unheard, and she knew well that Shizuru had also been awakened by her inward suffering. Still, as she felt Shizuru's eyes watching over her, she could do nothing but sigh, even when the questioning gaze fell over her aroused form. "Who would want a freak..." Natsuki said softly, not minding the fact there were tears threatening to spill from her burning eyes. "No one..." She'd answered her own statement, the insecurity from log ago consuming her mind.

Her old pains were opened anew.

"Natsuki, don't say that, ever." If Natsuki was such a thing, then Shizuru decided it must have been the rest of the world that had to be warped. "You're not." She wasn't, she would never be. "You're a beautiful person, one whom I love."

"Alyssa's the same." Natsuki laughed bitterly, her eyes not daring the chance to gaze into crimson orbs. "We were screwed from the start. It's in the genes." She told Shizuru, her chest feeling heavy with every breath. "We're not like everyone else, we won't ever be. I tried to find that side of myself for so long before I gave up, and now, I wonder why I spent so much time invested in it anyway. It wouldn't have mattered."

"Then, if that's the case, it's the way it's meant to be." It had to be, there wasn't any other way to define it. Although, Shizuru knew if there was a way, she'd damn it back to the very hell from whence it come. "Natsuki, the reason I love you, is because you are not the woman you first appear to be." The woman of midnight tresses was a soul so deep, endless and vast in her emotions, even if it didn't appear that way. "I want to burn, why else would I play with fire?" That was only one, out of a plethora of reasons, but it was enough. "I lust for you, because I love you, Natsuki." Shizuru purred.

Shizuru then dove under the covers slowly, her disappearing act only a short one as she let her lips trial hot kisses onto Natsuki's hard arousal. Her mouth easily slid over it, her tongue playing in hot, wet circles. It seemed fitting, Shizuru thought as her head bobbed to continue to take Natsuki's full length. It was only perfect, that this beautiful person would protect such a secret. Any lesser man would be ashamed, any powerful woman wouldn't ever carry such a thing on her person. No, the throbbing member that she lavished belonged to only one individual, the world and it's pompous morals be damned.

She could feel the swelling heat as she continued her ministrations, her throat a low hum that she knew Natsuki enjoyed. The soft gasps proof, as shaky hesitant fingers wove themselves into her fawn tresses. Natsuki was a quiet lover, her sighs as gentle as could be, even when the need in her body demanded she take charge. The slick heat of Shizuru's mouth made quick work of what had once been pent up frustration. Going so far as to take care not to bite down, or reject her, even as the evidence flowed freely into her mouth, each buck of Natsuki's hips welcomed with fervor.

Even once spent, Natsuki was a beautiful creature.

Shizuru dreamed of the day when Natsuki would allow them that final step, though more trusting she had become, she had been strict about it. The yearning in her eyes would never be hidden away at times like this. "Natsuki, you are stunning." Shizuru told her quietly as she poked her head out from the stifling covers. "You know that, right?"

"Sometimes, I just don't think I am." Came the shuttering reply.

"But you are, love." Even while soft, Shizuru couldn't stop her fingers from waging war, hoping once again to cause a fire in Natsuki's belly. "You simply have no idea just how much."


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N#2: ...edits...lots of edits... /facepalm
> 
> I do not own Mai HiME/Mai Otome.

Chapter 34

"Apparently, she's doing well in class." Natsuki shrugged in answer to Shizuru's question. "But, she's not really trying to make friends." Not that it surprised Natsuki. She sipped at her coffee, the only saving grace as Yukino went to collect more folders filled with papers.

"Hmm." Shizuru nodded, though she didn't have much she could say about it. "This is probably as strange for her, as it is for you." It was a cryptic answer, but the laced hints of exasperation didn't slip by Natsuki's ears. "I think she'll adjust, if you give her time. She does blend in rather well, currently."

"I was never like that, though." Natsuki said again, keeping in their current routine, speaking of personal matters in fluid terms. "Stupid things." Natsuki was actually muttering about skirts, not that Haruka would understand, even if she was in the room. "How long will it be, before she gets caught?" Alyssa was admittedly much more suited to wearing such a getup as the school uniform, seeing as she could sit with her legs closed.

"Caught doing what?" Haruka asked then, looking up from the list of students who wanted permission to leave the grounds during the break that was fast approaching. "Don't tell me you're corrupting the kid! She's a perfect fit for this school, don't you dare go and mess her up." Haruka nodded to her herself, as if she was assured of that fact, oblivious to Natsuki's overt eye rolling.

"It isn't like that, Haruka." Shizuru dismissed absentmindedly, though her eyes cut to Natsuki, displeased. "Although, I suspect you shall refrain from any more vandalism in the future."

"I knew it!" Haruka bellowed. "That was your carving on the table! I knew that sweet little girl couldn't have done that on her own!"

"Oh, calm down now, Haruka." Yukino finally returned, a stack of papers in hand, quietly closing the door behind her. "Natsuki and Nao only did what they felt would make Alyssa feel welcome." Gently, she took the pile and she placed it upon the tables. "Natsuki, you need to learn how our system works. If you're going to attend the meeting in front of the board, there's several things you should be mindful of."

How could she explain the years of bloodline, the exuberant wads of cash, and the stringent ideals of the members who funded the school? She couldn't, but she could prepare Natsuki as best as she could. Yukino feared it wouldn't do much, but Shizuru insisted to at least try, so here they were trying to explain in one meeting what they'd grown up around their entire lives.

At Natsuki's concerned frown, Shizuru sighed. "I don't expect that you'll grasp everything today." She replied carefully, sipping her tea. "I'm merely throwing you into the water now, to see if you can at least keep afloat." She let her eyes drift to Haruka and then to Yukino, knowing that teaching Natsuki would be a difficult, and long running task. "Our lives are filled with this sort of complexity."

Yukino nodded first in reply. "Now then, lets go over the staffing of the schools. There are three of them." As she searched through the papers, she sighed. "Now, the school for girls is run by women." Yukino gestured around the room. "We have only a few male teachers and staff, but they are indeed special cases. It is often uncommon to hire men into these walls. We pride ourselves on having a mostly female administration."

"I get that much." Natsuki grumbled. "But why the hell do I have to show up to this damned meeting. Treating me like a little kid, I swear to god."

"If you're to stay at your position, it would only be natural that you attend." Shizuru said as she took another sip of tea. "The students may have some level of say with what goes on within these walls, but ultimately, they're requests at best. The four of us are considered the female administration for this school, we oversee that the requests be met, and that we still stay up above the average standard in every aspect of school life." Shizuru pulled out a list of names nodding as she considered it. "We are the largest school for girls, and the highest ranking, however, we are not the only one. There are several. The same applies for the male schools."

"Wait a sec..." Natsuki said slowly. "There's a school for boys, run by you guys?" She thought all of that hype was just a joke growing up.

"Indeed, though it is run by men, not women." Shizuru sighed, shaking her head. "Schools run in districts, Natsuki, I thought you knew that. Granted, we run ours a bit differently, the fact of the matter is, the meeting we're going to be attending has several schools involved, all to discuss our core curriculum. It is shared by every single one of our schools, and it is more or less our foundation upon which we teach."

"Damned mandates." Haruka finally said. "We're forced to kiss the ass of people even higher than the board, but the thing is, we do differ from the norm. We kiss ass only when we've got no other choice. The rest, well that's developed by us." She gave up on the file she'd been reading leaning back in the chair. "We go to these meetings as a way to connect, socialize...sometimes, we even bring a few students to attend as well. The teachers and staff share their issues, and we try to come up for solutions. Garderobe is the leading school for women. Fuka academy, for the young men, well they're just as good as we are."

"And you guys shoot the shit back and forth?" Natsuki could understand that, but she still had no desire to go. "That's really all you do?"

"It's more important than it sounds, Natsuki." Shizuru then sighed, looking at Haruka. "I don't know if the Trias should attend this early in the year."

"I agree." Yukino nodded. "None of them are apart of the families that run the board. It would be unwise to simply drag them along at the meeting." Then, Yukino sighed, the sign up list was small, but there was one name she didn't like. "Anh is coming, or do my eyes deceive me?" That could be a recipe for disaster.

Haruka shrugged. "Why wouldn't she?"

"I thought she was going to be working with her father?" Shizuru's simple question seemed to come easily enough, but the pensive glance she received told her otherwise.

"It seems as though she decided not to go along with her father's wishes." Yukino said softly, placing her had over the top of the teapot as she poured herself something warm to drink. "She stayed with Sara. This is merely speculation mind you, but I think Anh has grown quite fond of her."

"Who wouldn't like Sara." Haruka agreed easily. "She may be cut throat, but she's got a good heart." Haruka sighed then, noticing Natsuki's worried gaze first before the others. "Garderobe, Fuka, and Aswad." Haruka counted the names slowly with her fingers. "Those are the three most important schools in the district, and you'll have to put up with some of the people there. You're going to have to deal with Anh just like the rest of us, though, if I were you, I'd be spitting nails at a few of the other idiots we have to play nice with."

"Reito isn't that bad." Shizuru said knowingly.

"Between him and Tate, oh yes he is that bad." Haruka hated the staff from Fuka, with passion nearly untamed. "If that stupid pervert comes near Yukino again, I swear I'll kill him."

"It was just a dance, Haruka." Yukino said softly. "I couldn't deny him, he was only being kind."

"I was watching them the entire time." Shizuru nodded. "He didn't do anything wrong."

"Do I even want to know?" The meeting had horridly gone off course, but for some reason, Natsuki didn't think it right to remind them of that. There was an air of danger lurking where it ought not to have been as they sat around the glass table. Instead, she took the time to watch what looked to be a possible incoming train wreck.

"There's a formal ball after every meeting." Shizuru began, taking a sip of her tea to contemplate her answer. "That's where we mingle and meet up with share holders, alumni, and several other important figures, some political, others influential, or at least very wealthy."

"It just so happens last year, Reito let Tate get drunk." Haruka interjected then. "Reito is fine, when he's not with Tate and Takeda. When the three of them are together, they get stupid."

"Now now, I could say the same for you, when you're with Anh and Sara the three of you lose your minds." Shizuru commented without hesitation. "Really, Natsuki don't mind her."

"Damn it, Bubuzuke...don't talk like him!" Haruka grumbled, slamming her hands upon the table. "He sounds like an idiot when he says it...don't stoop down to his level."

"I didn't realize he had a level..." Shizuru fired back, mostly in amusement.

"This could go on for hours at this rate." Yukino whispered to Natsuki as she picked up the files and papers in front of her. "Let's let them bicker by themselves. We can go into your office to discuss this."

Chapter 35

"This is just stupid, Shizuru." Natsuki grumbled as she packed her bag for the long trip that would be soon approaching. "I mean, of all the completely redundant things in this world, this one takes the cake." Natsuki fumbled with her clothing as she tried her best to cram it all into her suitcase. "I don't even know the first thing about this crap, and you want me to sit in at the damned board meeting!" She was panicking, and it wasn't just about work. There were other factors involved. "They're your parents, and there's no way in hell they'll like me."

"Natsuki, calm down." Shizuru sighed, her lover had been a basket case all morning when she'd sprung the news. "It's only for a few days. You'll have to meet them eventually, anyway, might as well be for work. I promise you, everything will be alright."

"This is just totally and completely stupid." Natsuki sighed, as turned to look at her lover. "What are we going to tell them? Why would we even want to tell them that-"

"That'll be enough of of your tirade." Shizuru said softly, placing a finger over quivering lips. "We're going to be open and honest, and that's simply that, Natsuki. You've no reason to be afraid of my parents, they wouldn't dare reprimand me for bringing home the person I love." Shizuru released the pressure from Natsuki's lips, and she knew as soon as she did, that the ranting would continue.

Natsuki couldn't even get a word out when she was promptly hushed again.

"I said no." Shizuru had clamped her palm over Natsuki's mouth this time. "I will talk to them before we go, and explain everything. However, I'm not going to pretend you're someone you aren't. I won't hide behind falsehood. If they can't deal with it, it'll be their issue. However, it will not be ours."

"You're going to tear your family apart." Natsuki told her, as she pulled Shizuru's hand away. "They don't need to know anything. It's not a big deal. I can just be a coworker, or something. We don't have to say we're dating, or any of that...we really don't."

"Yes, until we decided five or six years down the line that we'd like to have a few children." Shizuru reminded her. "Suddenly, you're able to knock me up? Now won't that just look ever so lovely in the press." Shizuru sighed out her anger, trying not to get herself upset over this. "If we tell them now, we avoid a scandal later. That is what we want to do, is it not?"

"Well yeah, I'd rather not be plastered over front page news." Natsuki grumbled as she eyed one of the garments that she hadn't purchased. "Why in the hell is there a damned tuxedo in my dry cleaning!"

"There's a black tie dinner, and I doubt you want to be mascaraing around in a dress. Although, that thought is quite appealing, I don't think you can keep your wits about you long enough." Natsuki looked at her lover with new found confusion in her eyes as Shizuru merely smiled. "You'll find that there's also a binder in there along with it."

"Mans clothes?" That one floored Natsuki, her eyes stretching the binder made of spandex as it had very little give, frowning in thought. "Like, completely...like a man?" She hadn't done that in years, not since she started having breasts bigger than she could hide easily. "Do you realize how long it's been?"

"Four years." Shizuru recalled easily enough. "You were in the school play as Romeo after losing a bet with Anh. That was the last time that you did it." Still, Shizuru didn't see the issue. "If you're worried people will think it odd, don't worry yourself in the slightest. There are many women who choose to dress a bit on the masculine side. Haruka for one is almost always in something like this, though she doesn't bind herself down."

"With the set on her, there's no binding that shit." Natsuki shook her head, willing away the unpleasant image. "Dear god, it would be impossible."

"But not unlikely, Natsuki." Shizuru could barely contain the smile playing across her face. "There are airs among the wealthy, particular expectations, if you will allow the term. We have to appeal to the mass public. I know you don't fancy dressing up, but unless you want to be in a dress, this is the best I can do for you." There would be many women dressed in male formal attire. Some did it purely out of rebellion, but others did it for the ideals of their community.

"No way, I'm not wearing some fru-fru dress!" Natsuki bit out then, looking at the tux. "But really, black tie dinner?" Just what did she get herself into? She couldn't say she knew. "I don't have any problems wearing a tux, but am I going to be pretending to be a man, or...what the hell am I doing?"

"You're going to be yourself, Natsuki." Shizuru said softly. "This isn't about hiding anything, this is about dressing appropriately for an occasion that comes only a few times a year." Shizuru sighed a little, feeling the weight upon her, as emerald eyes glared in annoyance. "People who are wealthy are often very well educated, they know being gay isn't exactly something that can be helped." Still, there were some things that couldn't be changed. "However, that being said, you know just as well as I do, the mass public will see things differently. Being one's own person doesn't always work to an advantage. Haruka and Sara both dress in tuxes because they always accompany women, someone simply must play the male role."

"What!" Natsuki shook her head at that. "Of all the asinine things I've heard, that wins the prize."

"I know." Shizuru shrugged. "It seems no matter what we do, someone, some place, will find it questionable. However, the ball will be filled with people, and many of them will be used to such a sight. You'll be among friends, Natsuki. I promise."

"I damn well better be." She really wouldn't be though, and she knew it. Mai and Nao would be staying behind, so would Miss Maria. Chie and Aoi had no reason to be there. Natsuki knew she would feel out of place. "What are we going to do about Alyssa?" Natsuki said then. "I think it really would be best if I stayed here, for her sake."

"She'll be fine here." Shizuru said, knowing well of Natsuki's concern for the child. "Mai and Nao will look after her, and so will Miss Maria. They'll keep her safe, Natsuki. You know that." Besides that, there was also one other glaring difference between Natsuki and her younger sister. "I hear she's got a shadow following her around campus, she's quite the little go getter isn't she?"

"Miyu isn't a shadow." Natsuki grumbled, thinking of the often quiet teen. "Damn pain in the ass never says a word, never did to me anyway." Miyu was a senior this year, and had been in the grade below Natsuki. "And I've got no idea why she's following my sister around, but you know what, as long as it keeps the bullies away, I don't care." That was the real reason Natsuki hadn't said something about it yet. "I figure, she can beat their asses in for me."

Shizuru knew Miyu would too, in a heartbeat.

She may have been one of the quietest students in the school, but she was also one of the most respected. As she watched Natsuki zip up the last of her bags, she smiled softly. "Miyu's fond of her, I can tell. There's light in her eyes again, one that hasn't been there in years. She's always been so lonely, but, I guess that's to be expected. Her father is even colder than she is. He never talks much at the meetings, he just sits there and watches everything. The moment he does speak, it's like the world may end, that's how rare it is."

"Shizuru..." Natsuki said then, her words falling from her lips slowly as she thought about something. "Just how many people are going to be at this meeting of yours?"

"The important ones?" Shizuru asked then, trying to get a handle on what was worrying Natsuki. "Or the grand total?"

"How many people might I possibly offend?" Natsuki asked, knowing even if she cleaned up well, her mouth often got the best of her.

"Oh that...who knows." Shizuru shrugged as if she didn't mind either way. "Haruka seems to do it all the time, in fact, so do I." Shizuru smirked then, something conspicuous hidden within her eyes. "Some people just can't take a proper joke." Then again, she knew well the type of ruckus that she could cause. "As long as you keep Anh and I away from the wine, you should be quite fine, my Natsuki."

"If you even take one sip..." Natsuki warned, remembering the one and only time she's ever seen Shizuru drunk.

"I'm not quite as bad as a few of the others." Shizuru said knowing. "There will be copious amounts of wine, and other beverages, so I feel I should warn you now."

"Why do I get the feeling I'm going to be prying drunken women off of me all night..." Natsuki muttered, a hint of bemusement lacing her voice.

"Because that is likely to happen, if the right people socialize at the right time." Shizuru deiced not to mince words. It very well could go as Natsuki had assumed. She couldn't deny that the parties sometimes got wild into the night. "Just stay near me, I'll keep you safe."

"That..." Natsuki sighed knowing there was no way out of this. "Or, you'll rip my clothes off."

"Well now, isn't that an idea..."

"Damn it, Shizuru!"

Chapter 36

"Natsuki, what type of character are you making?" Buzzed a voice on the other side of the headset. The opening cinematic was playing in the background of a newly purchased game, and a few of the players really couldn't have cared less about the storyline. "I need to know, so that we don't make the same thing."

"You better not take Cleric, that's mine hands down!" Mai called through. "I really want to try the warden."

"Over my dead body." Nao grumbled, her voice cutting out the other two. "You can't play healing classes worth shit Mai, and you know it." The truth was, neither could Nao, but she wasn't about to admit it.

"I'll play the healing class." A voice called out in the background. "Then, Chie can play the tank."

"Almost all of the damned things can tank, all except mage!" Natsuki growled at the both of then, before sighing. "I don't know about you idiots, but I'm going to play the rogue. I hear the battle bard is pretty fun. Then again, I kinda like the idea of Saboteur...you sling bomb all over the place, it looks neat as hell!"

"I'm going to go rogue tank." Chie said then, Aoi talking some type of nonsense in the background. "Aoi says she'll play the warden class, since that's a pretty good healer over all. She's been looking this shit up ever since we decided to buy the game."

"Well screw her and her free time." Nao grumbled, shoving some food in her mouth, her shoddy microphone squealing in displeasure.

"Chie already does that..." Natsuki sighed, wincing in pain from the noise she could hear coming from Nao. "Listen guys, hold on a sec, I need to check on something." Pulling off her headset, she went to get the cord from her laptop, and plugged it in. "Are you sure you don't need any help?" Natsuki asked across the room from where she sat back down, the loading screen finally showing the character selection. She turned to look at the girl, who didn't respond, her blue eyes focused on a text book. She'd been like that for hours, blankly working away, and Natsuki wondered just what type of school work the child had been doing. "Alyssa, do you need help?"

"No." Alyssa said, her voice a quiet murmur. "I'm alright."

Natsuki just shook her head. "Alright, that's enough of this crap." Natsuki said, pulling the book away from her younger sister. "Come on, we're gonna play a game." She dragged the girl back to the computer, pulling the headset out of the computer, pushing down her key that activated her mic. "Guys, you're on speaker, for the love of god, be good."

"Fuck that!" Nao echoed across the room. "I'm here to play Rift, not kiss the ass of everyone who may, or may not have a problem with it."

"We love you too, Nao." Mai grumbled, and Natsuki could tell she was trying to contain her own outburst at the redhead. "How is she going to play with us, it's a one player game." Then she rustled her head set back into place. "Why aren't we all just in one room, this headset is killing me."

"You hit us when we cuss." Natsuki said knowing, Nao and Chie agreeing wholeheartedly.

"Ah, the beauties of Voip!" Nao laughed, knowing that her microphone was beginning to grate on everyone's ears.

"Mai does make a good point." Aoi said into her headset, one of the better quality ones, even though it picked up Chie's cursing. "You won't be able to play with us, if your sister is using the game. You'll have to make a character and level grind."

"Hey, if things go well, I'll buy her a copy and a laptop too, but until then, just play with her, okay?" Natsuki said handing over they mouse, and putting the laptop over onto the cooling try, handing it to Alyssa abruptly. "They'll teach you, or Nao will get her ass beat." Natsuki smirked. "I can hear you, remember, so don't be stupid. I'm going to talk to Shizuru." Then, it was an afterthought, but one she knew would save a plethora of headaches later. "Mai, Aoi...you two are in charge of the idiots. I'll be back later."

"Okay!" The two girl rang in chorus, all the while, Nao cussed under her breath.

Shizuru was hiding away from the ruckus as best as she could, though it hadn't gone as well as she'd hoped once Natsuki yanked out her headphones. Now, Shizuru could hear everything, instead of only once voice. Even when the door opened, and then clicked shut again, Shizuru knew she couldn't escape Nao's muffled voice, or Mai's constant jabbering of things that sounded unnatural. Shizuru groaned as she buried her head into the pillow. She had to get up early, and this wasn't helping. "They're so loud." Shizuru said in annoyance.

"Better get used to it." Natsuki shrugged, not really minding the noise, knowing Shizuru would grow accustom to the bantering. "Alyssa was at that stupid table studying for over three hours. What was I going to do, just let her sit there?"

"You could have sent her to bed." The girl did have class in the morning, and for not the first time, Shizuru thought it was a grand idea. "A child her age needs rest, and plenty of it." Never mind the fact Shizuru wanted some for herself too.

"There's nothing better than an up all night gaming session to relax after a pain in the ass day." Natsuki shrugged, never really minding how much of a zombie she's been after. "If that kid is anything like me, she'll barely get a few levels before she falls asleep and auto runs right smack dab into a wall or a monster and gets stuck there all night. Once she passes out, I'll make my character and grind up to the the level that they are. Alyssa gets some down time before her face hits the keyboard, and I get some time with you before my idiot buddies keep me up all night long. It's a win all over."

"From what I've seen, she's hardly like you." Shizuru sighed then, giving up on sleep as she sat up in bed. "She may not fall asleep."

"Oh yes she will." Natsuki said then, as she sprawled out on the bed. "I give her an hour tops, two hours if she's hyper, but she never acts like it, so who knows if she is or not." Finally, after what seemed like forever, Natsuki heard giggles coming from the main room, and before she knew it, a smug smirk plastered its was across her face. "See, she's having a good time already." Natsuki was pointedly ignoring the cause of the laughter, knowing Nao's colorful language was the culprit.

"How long will she be busy?" Shizuru asked slowly, as she looked down at her lover. "I want to talk about something."

"The phone call?" Natsuki wasn't at all in the mood to hear how it had gone, in fact, she was still sure she wouldn't be going to the board meeting if she had her way about it. "What did she say?"

"Oh, this and that." Shizuru said calmly. "We spoke of many things, it wasn't all just about you. Although, I must say she found herself quite confused by that discussion." It was to be expected, Shizuru assumed, but it hadn't gone bad, like Natsuki had automatically concluded that it would. "My mother knows of the situation, but she simply shrugged it off. I shouldn't expect anything less from her though, considering. The fruit doesn't fall far from the tree, you see, and my mother has been apart of plenty...troublesome activities, shall we say." That was actually where Shizuru inherited her attitude from.

Natsuki shook her head. "I don't even want to know." She dared not even ask. Shizuru had been a pistol as a teen, and hadn't grown out of it when she was among those whom she considered friends. A trying woman at times, and Natsuki feared what an older version would be like. "Really though, she's gotta have an opinion about it, everyone seems like they do."

"You assume everyone does, you mean." Shizuru said, looking deeply into the emerald eyes that were gazing at the ceiling. "Your file was on school record, that means all of the board who approved of your admission and accepted you into this school knew of it, well every adult anyway. You weren't exactly a simple case you know, the request that your father sent, it was read by the board members, and my parents do sit among them." Shizuru should have known, but that detail didn't cross her mind. "The medical records give you away, my mother, she's known for years...all of the administration has. Although, she does find it odd that we're dating."

"Why'd they let me come here?" That was something Natsuki never really had an answer for.

"Had you been older, likely, they wouldn't have. Still, you were accepted, and that's what counts. There was no real reason to deny a child entry into the academy." Had Natsuki tried to enter as a teen, things would have been different, Shizuru was sure. Still, Natsuki had gone to Garderobe, had passed her classes, and now, she was one of the people who ran the school. It all had to count for something, odd thought it was. For many, it was a point of interest. "You don't have any idea how favorably you made yourself look, even as a child, your destructive behavior aside."

Natsuki didn't want to believe that, didn't want to let the understanding show in her eyes. "I never belonged here."

"Yes, you did." Shizuru said then. "Just as much as Nao, and Mai...and all of the others. Natsuki, you may have used your fist instead of your words, and I don't doubt that caused more than a few problems. Still, all that aside, you had a lot of people respect you for that. I'd like to think that you belong here just as much as everyone else, and I know Nao and Mai wouldn't have been the same without you." Yes, that was one of Natsuki's gifts, though she herself didn't see it. "Though trouble exudes from you, you've also healed the wounds of many, without ever noticing it."

"I didn't do anything, Shizuru." Natsuki chuckled then. "They did everything on their own."

"Oh, really? I don't think you realize just how much good you've done." Yes, Shizuru knew now, had known for a while, just how much Natsuki had done, purely by acting out. "Nao was on the verge of being expelled. Mai was lonely...and Chie looked at you for backup in cases of bulling. You did so much, for so many. Though, the truth is hidden in the depths of many hearts, and you'll never really get to see all the good you've done." Sometimes, she wished she could play their entire lives on tape, as if to figure out where one mistake ended and the others began. Where all the good had come from, even if it normally couldn't have been seen.

Natsuki nodded, but Shizuru could see that Natsuki hadn't believed much of what she said. "So, your mom, she thinks this is weird?" Natsuki couldn't blame the woman for that, but it did worry her.

"I came out of the closet as a lesbian a few years back." That was likely the most probable reason. "My mother and father supported my choice, after I told them I'd never consider being with a man." Even if they had accepted it, the truth was a bit uneasy for everyone. "I could see that they tried their best to not be judgmental, or opinionated about the issue. More often than not, awkward silences would settle down over us, without ever realizing it, until it was beyond the point of talking." Shizuru suspected that was the stage they were at right now. Letting things sink in. Letting understanding become apart of the very unusual situation at hand. "They won't hate you, though I doubt my father will know what to do with you."

"What do you mean?" Natsuki nose wrinkled at that.

"Will you drink tea with the ladies, or should he invite you for brandy and cigars after family meals?" Shizuru said in explanation. "Blue blooded people tend to have particular social norms based on gender. Men go along with the men, and woman with other women. Rarely, unless at the dinner table, do the two genders converse side by side."

"Well, why the hell can't I just do both?" It was a smile question, but Shizuru burst out laughing at it.

"Given the friends you keep-" She tried to keep herself from snickering but the image was far too much. "I'd say you really wouldn't want to be sipping tea with the other women. Unless, of course, you'd enjoy spending time with a handful of women that are not unlike myself and Yukino."

"Oh hell..." Natsuki shook her head. "Screw that, just leave me with your dad. At least if that gets painful, I can drink myself into stupidity."

"They do that anyway, especially when congratulations are in order." Shizuru nodded, though gazing at the clock told her it was far too late for anyone's own good. "They stumble around in stupor, celebrating everything. Even the color of paint on the walls, if they're too far gone. It is quite amusing, let me tell you."

Somehow, Natsuki doubted that she wanted to experience Shizuru's idea of amusement. Still, like it or not, once the weekend came, she'd be dragged along for the ride, come hell or high water. "Oh lord..."


End file.
